I’m writing this to get a second opinion on my situation because maybe I’m just looking at this all wrong and I’m welcoming all perspectives and genuine advice. 43F and 45M.
I’ve been married going on 7 years. Backstory: When I first met my husband I wasn’t interested in relationships at all. I mean I had been through so much heartache and pain that I was over it and washed my hands with love. Even though I kept turning him down he continued to pursue me. We had mutual friends so whenever he would see me, he’d make sure to flirt and declare his affections. After about 3 years of this I finally gave in and decided to give him a real chance. We dated for 2 years and then we eventually got married. Compared to all the other men I dated he’s the kindest. He’s genuinely a good person. He’s non confrontational, he works and he pays his half of the bills. He always says if he earned more he would pay them all but for now we spilt them and I’m okay with that.
Here’s my problem. He expects me to do all the cooking, cleaning and handle all the responsibilities for the house. Like paying the bills (he gives his share), but I’m keeping track of their due dates, etc., scheduling his appointments, completing all paperwork for him, and grocery shopping. And everything else.
All he expects to do his work and come home relax and hang out with his friends.
On top of that he refuses to take me on dates, or spend quality time with me. And when we are together he’s always quiet. I mean dead silent, when we’re riding in the car, sitting out eating (most of the time I pay), even when we’re home in bed. He doesn’t talk much. It grinds my nerves so bad. And when I ask him a question about anything he won’t respond and say he didn’t hear me or lie and say, I did say something you just didn’t hear me.
Im talking about normal conversation where two people talk back and forth. For example, you see a random topic and want to discuss it, you watch a movie and want to discuss us. I’ll say something and there is no response from him. Then he always makes some excuse on why he doesn’t say anything back. It’s exhausting.
When he does talk it’s like he’s forcing himself to engage with me.
He always says he never talked much all his life but when he’s with his friends he can’t shut up. That’s what hurts the most because I see him talking and interacting with his friends and family, so I know he can talk.
I’m the type of person who loves to hang out and have fun with my partner. He doesn’t. He only cares about being with his friends and when he comes home. He goes to sleep or sits off listening to his music on his headphones by himself. I barely get any personal time with him.
To him I’m nagging and starting problems when I beg for quality time. And when we do hang out it’s like I’m forcing him to hang with me.
At this point I don’t know what the issue is. I’m questioning myself. Am I the problem? Is my personality not good enough? Is he ashamed to hang out with me?
Here’s the thing, he acts so sweet and innocent but part of me feels like there’s more beneath the surface that I might be ignoring because he’s so well liked and not the typical bad guy. He’s more passive aggressive.
The other day we were talking and he made this comment about how he feels like sometimes people can be brought together for one person to humble the other person.
And this was his second time saying that. So it made me start to think okay is he saying that about us? Does he think his purpose in my life is to humble me? And what does that mean anyway because I don’t think I’m buffed up.
To be honest I’m not the most attractive person, I’ve always been called ugly and fat all my life. Almost every past relationship I’ve been abused physically, mentally and verbally. The only thing I actually have going for myself is my intelligence. I try to treat people how I want to be treated, I show kindness to everyone I meet, I even pray for random strangers, I help the homeless and less fortunate, I try to tip whenever I can, I mean I literally try to show love to everyone I meet.
I’m not a push over and I speak my mind. I don’t tolerate lies or phony people and when I notice someone doesn’t like me or is using me I separate myself from them.
I’m seriously wondering what about me is the problem and why he think that I need humbling?
Advice Request:
I need a second opinion on my husband's behavior. Why does he talk to everyone else but shuts down with me? More importantly, what does it mean when a spouse says they were brought into your life to "humble" you, especially when I’m already handling all the domestic and mental load?
Summary:
• Married: 7 years (he is 45).
• Division of Labor: I handle all cooking, cleaning, bill-tracking, and his personal appointments. He works and pays his half of the bills.
• Communication: He is "dead silent" with me but talkative with friends and family. He claims he "didn't hear me" or gaslights me by saying he already spoke when he didn't.
• The "Humbling" Comment: He has stated twice that some people are brought together for one person to "humble" the other.
• Self-Image: I have a history of abuse and low self-esteem regarding my looks, but I value my intelligence and kindness.
tl;dr: My husband is a "nice guy" who doesn't help at home and refuses to talk to me or take me on dates. He recently said he feels his purpose is to "humble" me. Am I overreacting, or is this a major red flag?