This is long btw. If it is offensive or should go somewhere else let me know.
So my gender has come to my attention since a year ago or so. Before then, I was way more dissociated from everything and didn't take the time to notice my feelings or analyze what I wanted. I started really not liking my body and wanting no breasts and narrower hips. Eventually I felt better about looking at myself in the mirror but I still feel a bit uncomfortable nude.
But these feelings started after a big mental health crisis for me, and I'm worried if it's just a symptom of mental illness or something. I started feeling really weak and inferior being a woman because I came across a post about how strong men are and how some women couldn't believe how strong their boyfriends were when they were playing around and stuff. I am over it now but at the time it made me feel bad about myself and fed into feelings of powerlessness from my trauma I already had.
I ask myself if I'm a man for real though, and like I don't love everything 100 percent about men and the idea of being a guy. Like some people would kill themselves if they couldn't transition and talk about loving being a guy. I also ask if I'm a woman then and I say maybe not, but that could be because the images in my head I imagine for being a woman are too stereotypical or something? Like I get a feeling of avoidance when I think of being a woman, but is that rude, like am I just being misogynistic and underrating it? How do I know if that feeling is for the right reason? Or at least a reason that means I am trans as opposed to any other cause.
But I also get scared at the idea of being non binary. Like it feels too genderless or something idk.
Sometimes I feel interested in starting T but other times I get too scared to think about talking to my doctor about it and worry I'll just detransition and have made a mistake that would harm the reputation of real trans people, or make me look ugly or something.
Idk if I feel like a guy, like guyish enough. I viewed myself as a genderless thing for a while or something idk, I was too busy surviving to think about it. Like I don't know if my brain is like a boy brain, or my personality a guy's if that even makes sense lol. Like I worry I would try to change myself or force a 'boy's' personality to convince myself I am trans enough to do T.
I could exist as I am and feel mostly alright for the rest of my life probably. Maybe most of my upset comes from having to know my gender for sure and getting frustrated that I can't more than actually being trans.