My wife and I (35f and 36m, married 5 years with no kids) have been struggling financially in a way that’s starting to create resentment for me, and I honestly don’t know what’s fair anymore.
Right now we pool almost all of our income into joint accounts. We each keep a small amount separate as personal “no questions asked” money: she gets about $500/month and I get about $200/month. Outside of that, everything is shared. I make about 60% of our household income and she makes about 40%.
The issue is that over the years our lifestyle spending has increased a ton, mostly driven by her spending habits. To be fair, it’s usually not outright irresponsible stuff like gambling or luxury designer shopping. A lot of it is things for the house, decorations, replacing things that still work, nicer vacations, trips with friends, concerts, eating out, etc. But it feels constant, and most of it isn’t stuff I personally want or would spend money on myself.
What’s frustrating is that over the last 3 years we’ve collectively increased our income by around $40k/year through promotions and raises, but our savings have barely grown. My spending has stayed pretty consistent while hers seems to scale upward alongside our income.
I’ve tried talking to her about long-term goals because I want us to buy a house, pay off student loans, and build retirement savings. Her perspective is basically that life is short, tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, and she wants to enjoy our money while we’re young enough to do it. I understand that mindset to an extent, and I don’t want to live like a miser either.
But honestly, at this point I feel like I’m subsidizing a lifestyle that I wouldn’t personally choose. If I were single and lived exactly the way I currently do, I genuinely think I could buy a house and pay off my loans within about 5 years.
Because of all this, I’ve started thinking we may need a completely different financial structure. My idea would be that we each contribute proportionally to shared expenses and joint savings goals, and then whatever money remains is ours individually to spend however we want.
My wife would probably see this as me pulling away financially or punishing her for how she spends money.
So WIBTA if I insisted we separate our finances this way?