Summer last year, through mutual friends, I (M50) met B (F40) at a gig. We got on casually, and I messaged her, but it was a non-event. She was going through relationship issues at the time.
A couple months later, she got in contact saying she had a spare ticket to see the same band, so I went along with the mutual friends, too. The relationship she'd been in had ended, and she was distraught about it. We had a great night and she seemed on top of the world. We started messaging a lot.
A couple weeks later I was invited to mutual friends' NYE party, and she was constantly following me, eyes all over me, etc. I left ten minutes before midnight, knowing she'd want a kiss, etc.
Now, I've read lots of books about personally types, attachment types, etc. And I knew what red flags were, and I was seeing some. But, I was also aware that I might be seeing red flags to protect myself. She's also a GP/doctor, so I thought this might just be a rough patch for her that I could help her through.
We were in constant contact. She'd say things like she always falls for people on video calls, right before we did them. She'd say she always saw sex as love. In saying this, she also said she'd only had one boyfriend, then got married for 20 years, and then back together with the boyfriend.
Very quickly we moved from friends to "seeing how it goes". The idea of a relationship freaked her out. We'd make out a lot, and she was extremely sexual. I resisted it going further. She kept telling me her life was a bin fire, that she didn't know what she wanted, that the divorce from her evil husband was draining, as was the ex boyfriend. I would then say "let's just be friends", where she'd then be all over her (after a lot of tears). I knew everything that was happening.
She asked me to go to a Valentine's quiz night, but I said no as we weren't a couple. I ended up going, and afterwards was when the frequent BJs started.
I'd always be told how much she wanted sex, but that I must stay over for it to happen, as she was so emotionally attached to sex that she didn't want to be alone afterwards. She only used to sleep a couple of hours a night anyway.
The thing which put me off having sex was all the "rules". She only wanted unprotected sex, wanted to explore some sex bible, have sex in public, etc. I never did have intercourse.
When we agreed on being friends, she'd come around, start being all over me, wearing incredible lingerie, etc.
One time, whilst the kids were (unbeknownst to me) in the car outside, she gave me a BJ in my house foyer. Minutes afterwards they walked in. She'd also send the kids to bed to be all over me, and even if they were crying, she'd be going down on me and not stopping when I'd tell her to.
When we'd be naked, she'd stand us in front of a mirror and say how amazing we looked together, gazing at herself.
There were a lot of tears about how difficult her life was - financial issues around the divorce (she had a massive house, a Tesla, lots of nice things in the house, etc.), and would get friends to sell her ex's things (she was too busy... m*sturbating). There were tears about how she was abandoned and how awful ex's were, how evil her parents were, etc. The tears quickly turned to mad, dry humping passion.
I was constantly being told how special I was, how much I helped her and she couldn't have done things without me.
I knew all the warning signs, but enjoyed having someone to hang out with - and I got on with the kids. They kept telling me how much their mum loved me, etc.
She wanted to teach me to drive, organise my house and clear the attic, and loads more things.
She'd tell me she's always speaking to her friends about me, showing them photos and videos of me. She'd stay up late at night watching my videos, m*sturbating.
We planned to do loads of things for the Easter weekend, with the kids and together (we never did go on a proper date). We'd planned loads of things for the year. 2026 was to be our year, she'd say.
Then, she messaged saying she didn't like me looking after my ex wife's dog so often (she was allergic to dogs), and would I stop having the dog. I said no, and then on the same day she'd been hearting my messages, sending me her work calender, etc. she ended. Two weeks later she said it had nothing to do with the dog, and she ended it as she felt I wasn't prioritising her.
She'd gone from watching 5 seasons of a series I liked so we could talk about it, to buying clothes she thought I'd like, etc. to just switching.
I tried once to fix things, and then today she looked at me like I was a stranger, saying I was being really inappropriate by popping by to see how she was doing with the divorce court things.
She never had notifications turned on on her phone, and acted weird when I asked if I could see her phone - it was for something really innocent and I was not checking anything out.
She told me today never to ask our mutual friends about her again or talk to them about her.
I knew everything that was happening, I knew what would happen next and how it would end. When it did end, my best friend said I'd called every shot.
Here's the issue though, I miss it. I wasn't attracted to her really, as she wasn't my type - she's very attractive, don't get me wrong - and everything was too intensive. But I liked the company.
I'm not a player, tried my best to not make her feel used or unsafe, etc. so it couldn't be used against me, and I'm a good looking guy - but I do have anxiety issues - so I find it hard in this day and age to meet someone else.
How do I rationalise this and make peace with my idiocy for not walking away very early?