Need urgent help from black women to formulate a message
Hello everyone, this is going to be a long post, but I'm really distraught right now.
I just want to provide some context first that might help with formulating the message. I've been on a few dates with a black girl wand things seemed to be going very well. I made sure they were all personally styled to her and what she liked and got to know her well, and she wanted to get to know me more, too. A few days ago she shot me a message saying that she didn't think us dating was going to work out, and that one major reason was that (I'm not proud to share this whatsoever) I "emphasized race/micro aggressions" multiple times in the short period we have been talking.
In every other conversation we had or so, I would make small jokes or quips. We'd be laying next to each other at the park and I'd be feeling her hair, which she liked, and I'd say something like "is this a microaggression?" I know, not the funniest thing, but the jokes were always of that nature. Never offensive or stereotyping, as far as I knew. She even laughed at a few of them. I later asked a few questions and she says that she felt that I brought it up a little forcefully at times, and that it rubbed her the wrong way; that it was important to be capable of getting to know someone outside of that perspective.
What's killing me is I never framed us in that way in my head. I said it when it came to mind, and then it was back to just getting to know her for her. I REALLY like her, a lot for the short time we've known each other, and it's for who she is. I brought her to a pasta spot first, because I knew she loved it, to IKEA next, because she wanted to decorate her room, and she loved that too. I wanted to get to know all about her and I didn't really ever have that dynamic constantly in my head. To be honest, the only reason I brought it up (one too many times, it seems) is because I thought it'd make her comfortable knowing I could put a topic like that on the table, and above all, I did it because frankly she was so gorgeous that I wanted to acknowledge that I kind of saw that about her. She's very proud of her identity, and she works for a black student outreach group, too.
She says she believes in second chances, but that she feels like she won't be able to get it out of her head. It's not my place to tell her how to feel as a man and as a white person by any means, but I feel as if I could repair things with her if I formulated a message in the right way. There were a lot of things she liked about me to, and she wanted to get to know me more as well. I really want to try again with her, and it's ironic that I'm thinking about her identity again when that's precisely what she doesn't want, but I do need some help. I'm thinking of sending her something like this.
"I know we ended this pretty clearly, but I wanted to give myself a few days to think things over, and I thought a few days might help for you as well. If you feel annoyed and harassed, or if I'm repeating myself, please just ignore this and I'll get the message. You said that there are certain things you'd never be able to get out of the back of your mind, even though you believe in second chances, but part of me can't stop thinking of how I might prove you wrong about those things. If I'm being completely honest now, another real reason I brought it up so much was because I couldn't get over how pretty I found you, but I didn't know how to say those things in a way that didn't sound weird. It was never top of mind for me, though, and I want to undo that impression. My jacket still smells like you, and if I was someone who wasn't capable of seeing outside of that dynamic first and foremost I wouldn't be so distraught over what happened. I want to get that impression out of the back of your mind, and give you an eraser for where I rubbed you the wrong way. You're gorgeous, smart, hilarious, and I tailored the few times that we met to you so personally, with the pasta and the decoration shopping, because I really saw you for you. I found the fixation on maps you had so adorable and interesting and attractive, and I was really ready to get that book you recommended me. So, I'm not asking for anything concrete, although I'd love that, but for now I just wanted to ask "how are you," and "what have you been up to?""
My apologies for the long post. Please let me know what to say, or if I should say anything.