Where to even start
It just seems to only get worse.
I was quite a happy kid but after lots of bullying, shame and guilt I've just never recovered. I've got nothing going for me. I only have a high school diploma. I would like to have friends and a relationship but I just can't stand being around people. It makes me so uncomfortable and all my instincts scream at me to get away.
I try to work on myself by working out, eating well, reading, breathwork, going to therapy, anti-depressants, but its just not working. I still live with my parents and they love me and do their best to support me and it just breaks my heart that I'm failing so hard, seeing them feel sad for me, I feel so guilty.
When I was younger I thought it would get better as you got older but its the complete opposite. I cant see a future. There is no light at the end of the tunnel.
Last year I tried to commit suicide and it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. Not because of the physical pain, but because I survived, and had to see the people around me cry for me. Knowing my parents read the note I left in my room and how they must've felt at that moment. I'll never be able to forgive myself.