Does wishing to be cis ever goes away?
I know I'm trans for more than a decade, I'm transitioning, on hrt and everything.
I've came out to my family and they love and support me, same with my friends.
And to be frank, I feel worse than ever.
I just don't want to be trans, I don't even care about gender anymore, be it being cis guy or girl, I don't care, I just don't want to feel dysphoria. I don't want to break up in tears, sobbing uncontrollably because I've never experiences nor experience growing up or just being cis.
I don't want my day randomly ruined because I've reminded myself in my head that I'm trans and now I'm bummed for next couple hours.
I don't want to feel absolute disgust when thinking about anything remotely intimate irl.
I don't want my absolutely worst point of the week being taking more care about myself, or taking hrt, because it is only reminding me of how I will never be able to achieve some things.
I'm just so tired of this. It never gets better, and every step in transitioning makes it worse. Even when I do everything and even when I pass and look pretty the only thing I can think about is how beautiful would I be if o was born the right way, how much of a wasted potential it is that I was put in a wrong body.
I am not even that angry anymore, or that sad? I just feel defeated. Does that ever change?
Therapy should have been the thing to make it better then psychiatrist help, then coming out, then transitioning. Yet everything only makes it worse and makes me not see the point in living if I can't be cis.
Lately I've realised I wouldn't even mind being cis guy, like at all, if it meant of all of this dysphoria to go away.
How to even deal with it? Like I'm exhausting more and more options. I'm planning surgeries etc, but seriously if it will get worse again after spending thousands of dollars on ffs, srs etc, just like it got after hrt, then I think it will just be the end for me.