Contamination OCD, but cleaning itself is extremely triggering?
I have OCD, and at the moment I am SO triggered by cleaning the toilet.
This feels really contradictory to me because I also really want to live in a clean and organized environment. The idea of dirty toilet makes me want to die, I almost threw up writing this. I want them SPOTLESS, but the idea of doing is so triggering. I feel like I’m breathing all kind of stuff, I wash myself raw and still feel disgusting. Years ago, I was an au pair and I had no choice but to deal with a clogged toilet. Even with the layers of gloves, the excessive washing and disinfecting , I ended up cutting my thread bracelet and throwing it away because I felt so vile wearing it , even though I’m sure nothing had touched it 😭
I’m not someone who compulsively cleans everything. Quite the opposite: sometimes the thought of cleaning something “dirty”, is so triggering that I avoid it completely.
Another example : my mother had this plastic fork she uses for the cat food. It only touches the cat food, it is only used for the cat food. I make her clean it with a separate sponge. But the idea that it is in the same sink as other things to make me SICK. Just thinking about it I start to feel unwell.
At the same time, clutter and dirt really affect my mental health. When my environment is organized and clean, I feel so much better and I function much better. So I feel stuck in this frustrating paradox where I desperately want a clean environment, but some cleaning tasks are themselves extremely triggering.
I’m wondering if anyone else experiences OCD this way rather than constantly cleaning/avoiding contamination by cleaning. How do you deal with cleaning tasks that trigger your OCD? Did anything help you make cleaning feel more manageable without turning it into another compulsion?
I’d especially love to hear from people who used to struggle with this and found a way to manage it.
TLDR : I’m so triggered by cleaning the things that I desperately want to have clean