Hi, im an idiot and ran out of gas. Im on G and 20thish. Im parked right in front of the cats braiding and weaving sign painted on the garage. If you have a gas can and a little gas i will compensate you for your time but unfortunately it won't be till tomorrow. I ran out before I got paid. Jerrod btw
I am consumed by rage and I dont know what to do. I have been dating someone for about a year and a half. We met online and kind of agreed it would only be a fwb or hookup thing. Im more of a relationship kinda guy. I dont really like one nighters. I have had before, but its not really my style. Call it what you will but I put too much emotion into sex. Like to me sex and love are about on an even plain. Pretty high up on the emotional scale. At the time this was a fairly recent realization. So I kinda wanted to get some separation in there. We hookup a few times and she starts to get attached. The sex was good so while I was not attaching emotionally I could tell she was so we had extensive conversation about what we were. One day she said she wanted to make it official and date. Mind you, im not actively seeing anyone else. I hardly open the apps back up. Two women at a time sounds exhausting. She knows tnis and says the same. But now she wants to date and says if not cool ill go back on the apps and find someone who will. I pushed and pushed for a while untill around christmas I went home for about a week. Before I go any further I should say that in my past I have never been really jealous, overbearing nothing like that. I have been pretty confident in myself and relationships. At the same time I would say I have a little bit of an anxious attachment style. My relationships turns out we're very transactional. I provide this you provide that and as long as we do that everyone is happy. I did not know this isnt really how it's supposed to go. I know this now. I have read and watched and am constantly working on what it means to be in a partnership. Anyway, while I was home she went to a party. Got completely wasted and called me over and over drunk. I answered to see if she was ok but I finaly said dont call me in the middle of a conversation gangbang. Im gonna go to bed. She was talkin to a bunch of dudes. All had there so there but one. I said fuxk it and went to bed. She eventually made it home and fell asleep recording a polo. So I wake up to darkness and snoring. This is getting way to long. I just wanted to give an example of the many red flags I should have taken heed to. The next year and a half would be a continuous cycle of her doing shady shit but tell me how much she loved me and she doesnt cheat and why would she she adores me blah blah blah...so I stay. When we are together we are phenomenal I couldnt ask for anything better. As soon as I leave ( im 2 hrs away) its starts again. Saying she is sleeping when she is not(shes graveyard). Silencing her phone....I mean the list is so long. But she is convincing and I dont have evidence. Even tho I can see it on her face and read her like a book its not evidence. Come to find out she has been fucking around this whole time. A lot. I acually kind of think she is a fucking hooker. Like for real. But I dont know aboit thst. I just know she has had multiple ppl this whole time. So all these fights when im asking why this tjis and this dont line up and talk to ppl she shouldnt be, she always flipped to and made it seem to be my fault. It had recently bec9me very very toxic. Oh also I forgot to say she is 6 months pregnant with what I would say is a 20% chance it being mine. So now this woman who i dispise at this point is possibly carrying my child. The more I dig though our photos and conversations the more shut i find out. The things she had to tell me to reassure me, and the way we vibe when together had me head over heals. Then I see all this. It was a joke to her. She was never in it. She just need the validation. While im telling her this doesnt feel right. Dont lie to me, if somthing is up let's just talk about it and see if its worth saving. Nope. Fuckin deny flip and attack my mentality. This has caused me to have soo much anger I can not control it. I have the ability to say things that can hurt. I know tjis and I never use it bc im jot that person anymore and just bc someone pisses me off doesnt mean they deserve that. Well that is out the door. I have said the most vile things to this woman. Right now in the moment I don't regret it. But I know I will and I know I wont stop. I have been betrayed by someone I used to take mushrooms with, have the deepest conversations with, experimented new shit in bed with and asked aboit moving in and getting married. It all ment nothing to her and I am not the same person bc of it. I fear who I will become and I fear how this will affect how I treat women in the future. Im a big somewhat intimidating looking dude. But im getting older and I want a partner to share cool shit with. And when someone was telling me they want the same I forced it. I stayed in bc thats like the goal. I dont want to desensitize I dont want to sleep around. But what the fuck do I do now. I cant trust no one, even myself from not cutting ppl off when I should. Now there is a kid involved. If he is mine.....like I hate this person so much I dont want shit to do with this kid. Thats just not right but I dont see myself viewing this situation any differently. Evem with therapy.
Im not asking for advice. I just needed somewhere to put this down. I thougjt it mught help quiet the noise.
TLDR: I may have fell in love with and got pregnant a hooker without knowing it. The hooker part, not knowing that. Since I found out im turning into a super villain.