u/DriverHot3120

tonight I was SA’d by a guy i thought was my friend here’s my story: I snuck out to hang out with this friend and we were in his car parked at an empty church, it started small he smacked my butt and i moved his hand then he kissed me and told me to climb over to go to the back seat, out of fear i did he came too and locked the doors, then he took off my shirt and bra and began doing stuff there he eventually laid me down and opened my legs and took my pants off i panicked and told him no and that i didn’t want this he proceeded to do stuff to me without consent despite my discomfort and touched me in my privates, he took off my pants and attempted 3 times total despite me saying no and stopping it everytime he continued to cross my boundaries. I wish i spoke up more and said how i felt more firmly maybe he would’ve stopped when he took my shirt off, i blame me and fully beilive it’s my fault and now im crying because i don’t feel valid that it was SA it feels like i was just violated but for no reason idk i feel so disgusting and sad. i need advice please.

here’s what happened

I could feel smth bad might happen based on how he was acting in the room w ppl and he was being very creepy, I blame myself for that. He decided to go to the corner to have more privacy after a bit of small talk and cuz some janitor lady came in randomly then left. This is not the best part.

 So he’s sitting in a chair and im in the corner and he is holding me in his lap touching me all over, this time i froze for a second but then I started shaking and saying stop stop stop I tried to get up and leave but he pulled me back onto his lap and I was to weak from the weed to fight any harder. I was so scared but I didn’t think he would do this, I thought if I spoke up more this time than I did in the car he would understand and stop, bc when it was a group he asked if I was comfortable. I was too out of it too scream, but I knew he wouldn’t let me leave.

 It felt like he was trying to eat my face he pressed his mouth all over me and harder when I tried to talk. I said please stop, i said I don’t want to do this , I told him he’s hurting me, I begged him let me go, I said I want to leave, I said no so many times but I was weak and intoxicated and scared. He kept kissing me forcibly and aggressively all over my mouth to keep me quiet and restrained my wrists with his hands. I did not kiss him back at all I couldn’t even turn away i was begging him to please stop and I kept trying to telling him I don’t want this and I kept trying to look around the corner we were in or smth to hopefully see maybe someone would be at the door or someone would see me and help or so he could stop but he didn’t.

He put his hands under my shirt and lifted it up and my bra as well making me feel exposed, he ended up taking off my shirt and bra halfway forcibly. he bit down hard on my nipples and sucked on my breast rubbing his tongue all over me chest and squeezing them, as well giving me hickeys I didn’t ask for I felt his teeth against my chest, it even pierced the skin it hurt so bad. I slowly started kinda passed out from the weed. He caught me as I began to fall forwards, taking advantage of the position I was in and grabbing my butt. I thought since he saw I was so intoxicated I was basically passing out he would stop and let me go, but he kept going. 

he started kissing me again saying things like » shh nobody can hear u «  or « nobody will see us » he kept saying « it was fine » and that « this is was I wanted bc I was a tease «  he kept saying « come on » or telling me to « stop moving. »He kept telling me to « be quiet » and « it was almost over « and « it won’t take long, « he said « he wouldn’t let me leave and nobody would get in because he locked the door ». Eventually I stop trying to fight it and gave up letting him do what he wanted, I felt like I went numb and like out of body. I could only make noises from struggling against him and the pain and being intoxicated so he wanted to quiet me before already so I was scared what else he would do so I stopped. 

eventually he started to go further and he put his hands in my private area between my legs, pulling at the crotch of my leggings I thought he was going to take off my pants he kept trying to put his fingers inside of me through my pants, but luckily stop trying because I kept moving too much. I felt like crying but I was so out of it and my breast hurt so much from him squeezing it and my wrist hurt from him restraining me, my neck hurt previously from Adam holding me by my neck against the wall, and everything else. and he held me in place so tightly even if I tried to get up he’d js pull me back and tell me « it’s okay « and to « stay here ». 

Eventually he got my water bc I kept begging for my water bottle and i started to come back a little bit with things getting clearer he stood up and turned me around my face against the wall bc he wanted to try things from my back side he told me « let’s try things from the back now », and he started like groping my butt sliding his hands between my butt but through my leggings and touching me from behind and kissing my neck, he pushed up his body against me so I couldn’t move and held one of my arms in place and smacked my butt a couple times , I js stayed still trying not to cry or anything but I could feel his private part pushing against my butt and I was scared he was going to rape me, but my pants were still on.

 Finally that janitor lady came in right as he was about to take my pants off and unlocked the door because she needed to take the trash out of the room or maybe because she heard me crying n stuff and he got scared and immediately stopped grabbed his bag and walked out. I stayed in the corner for a second so she don’t suspect what js happened then I left and went to the bathroom to cry and examine my body. I kept shaking from the Starbucks this morning to the weed to what js happened I felt so overwhelmed I felt like throwing up, I could smell his scent on me and I hated it.I cried for a bit because i felt like it was my fault I let this happen, i cried because I don’t know why he changed so suddenly when he was asking for consent somewhat before, i cried because I feared if no one had come in and stuff he may have ended up raping me, I cried because my head was killing me and my body hurt.