I found messages between my wife and a guy from her past. I need serious advice because the pain is still not going away.
I need honest perspective, but please do not just tell me to leave. I am trying to think clearly because we have a family.
For context, I have been cheated on multiple times in my life, and betrayal is something that affects me deeply. When I discovered what happened, I had intense anger and intrusive thoughts that scared me. I did not act on them, and I do not want to hurt anyone. I am saying this because I want to be honest about how painful and destabilizing this has been.
Recently, my wife brought up interest in swinging and was browsing related Reddit groups. She also searched for a guy from her past. That made me check older messages from 2024.
The conversation included sexual jokes, flirting, “what if” comments, talk about still thinking about each other, references to her cheating on me before, and discussions about hiding the conversation through restricted chats, deleted search history, and avoiding records.
The part that broke me was when she said none of the guys she cheated with were worth it, but with him it “would’ve been worth it.”
They also talked about my child, their past sexual connection, secrecy, guilt, and how she felt safer opening up to him than to me.
My wife has also been dealing with therapy or psychiatric-related issues and has questioned some findings. She has said things that make me wonder if she feels remorse normally, or if she is emotionally numb. I am not trying to diagnose her, but I also do not want mental health context to erase accountability.
I still love her. I do not want to destroy the family. But the pain feels the same even now, and I do not know how to rebuild trust without becoming paranoid or controlling.
My questions:
Would you consider this emotional cheating?
Is hiding conversations and avoiding records already a major betrayal?
Can a marriage realistically recover from this?
What should accountability look like if we try to rebuild?
How do I stay calm and not let anger control me?
Should I ask for couples counseling, individual therapy, or both?
I need thoughtful advice. I am hurt, angry, confused, and trying to handle this responsibly.