Wtf am I supposed to do?
I’m just venting at this point.
I’m working through and existential crisis: nothing I’m doing is working and it’s all beyond my control. Earlier this week at it was shared that I’m on 90 day probation while on a path to being a full time hire for the job I’m already doing. I’ve partnered, I’ve taught, I’ve simplified, and I’m the only person in the role that I’m in. Have I made mistakes, sure, but I’ve probably executed the equivalent of 5M of consulting work while balancing what it’s actually needed.
The news made me question everything I’m doing -> I’m trying to be everything to everyone and it’s not working.
This obviously spills over into what’s happening at home. When I tried to explain everything to my wife, she was understanding and supportive about work, but totally dismissive about our relationship. “Nothing is happening” outside our marriage, which is not true. She’s been having an emotional affair for three years. “She doesn’t feel anything for me and has the ick” and “ I should find someone else if I want romance”.
Honestly. What. The. Fuck. I don’t want someone else. I don’t want to start over. I want my wife. And yes, we are friends and things are great when we’re together, but I’m fucking invisible. At the slightest flicker of mutual attraction she shuts down.
I’m destroying myself to keep everything together and don’t know how much longer I can hold on to sanity.