r/MenopauseShedforMen

We have all witnessed the hot flashes that come and go. In my wife's case, we're going on well over 15 years of aggressive hot flashes - so we've just kind of accepted that this is what life looks like forever (she's mid-60s now).

One thing I noticed early on though was that even though she has lost most of her sexual feelings, when I massage her back or am generally, physically sweet to her she'll often get a hot flash and start sweating profusely.

I have always seen that as "Hey, there are some hormones, maybe even the potential for sexual desire, yet there!"

Does this idea ring a bell with anybody else here?

I'm trying to be supportive of my wife as she suffers with perimenopause symptoms. We are 3 years in and she is just outright emotionally abusive at times. She's on HRT which absolutely helps, so the rage and demands of isolation are reduced, but when she slips into pm mode now it's absolutely abusive. The hate and vileness is unbearable. I'm in therapy. She is not. Our daughter is 19 and has two years of school left. It's affecting her career, our marriage, my career, our whole household is beholden to her moods. I'm contemplating telling her off, to behave, to go hard; but I do not feel like I can do that. At what point do I call this and go find peace? It's my home and my family, but this is fricken painful misery. How long can this go on for???????

Does this work? Trying to not sound like a record level jerk, while still being kinda real -

So... I’m not misogynist. I'm not, it's 2026, equal rights, feminism, sexual revolution, women in the workforce, I'm here for it.

But...

So I’m like, arguably... In a certain light... age-misogynist??!

Women in their 40s need a Transition Decade.

Ireland has Transition Year, where teenagers basically take tenth grade off and go learn about themselves and see the world. Great idea. Do that at 40. Lots of space. No major decisions. No divorces. No career situations where brain fog can fuck up everybody’s life. No interactions with your teenager consequential enough that they might never speak to you again. Just: “Hey, we found this lovely program in India, 2030 to 2035. Then there’s one in New Zealand. Go find yourself, sweetie. We’ll miss you. Send letters. No, don't call, it's fine, you need space. Letters are perfect. Love you."

My wife is going through menopause, and we haven't had sex in about 24 months.

I know menopause can completely change libido, energy, mood, sleep, comfort during sex, and how a woman feels in her own body. I'm not expecting her to magically turn that off or have sex with me when she doesn't want to.

The problem is that after 24 months, I'm struggling with a lot more than just the lack of sex.

I feel lonely in my own marriage.

Whenever I've tried to talk about what's happening between us, she's tired, sick, stressed, or tells me she doesn't want to talk about it because she's already stressed. She doesn't want to pursue treatment for the hormonal changes either, which is her choice, and I'm not trying to force her to.

But the changes haven't stopped at intimacy.

She's also almost completely stopped helping around the house. More and more of the everyday responsibilities have fallen on me, and that's becoming another source of resentment. I feel like I'm carrying the household while also getting less and less of a relationship in return.

And as petty as this may sound, sometimes it feels like her cat gets more affection and attention from her than I do. She'll cuddle with it, talk to it, fuss over it, and show it affection while I feel almost invisible sitting right there.

I'm not jealous of a cat. It's what that contrast represents that hurts.

But where does that leave me?

After being rejected over and over, I've gradually stopped initiating. Then I stopped expecting affection. Now I can feel myself becoming emotionally detached from her, and that scares me.

Sex isn't the only thing that matters in a marriage, but I also don't think it's unreasonable to say that physical intimacy, affection, communication, shared responsibility, and feeling wanted by your spouse matter.

What I'm struggling with is whether I'm supposed to simply accept that this may be our marriage indefinitely because menopause is involved.

I don't want to abandon my wife because she's going through something difficult. At the same time, I don't know how long I'm supposed to live feeling lonely, unwanted, overburdened, and unable to even have a meaningful conversation about what this is doing to us.

Am I being selfish for reaching the point where I'm considering leaving?

Before learning about perimenopause, I thought I was losing my mind several months ago. Everything would appear to be fine, and then she suddenly changed. The first half of the cycle would be fine but the second half would be horrendous. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

She has started progesterone (not progestins/birth control) and this has helped tremendously, but the issue still remains.

This has resulted in me "living on edge" for lack of better words. Everything - travel, social events, home improvements, etc, all revolve around my wife's cycle. We can still do stuff in her Luteul Phase but I try to do more things in the Follicular Phase if possible. However, if one is only limited to non-menstruating days of the follicular phase, there is only so much one can do, and so the cycle continues.

Pretty much every post I read on here I can relate to . I would like to consider myself a strong person mentally . I have had to be over the years for one reason or another . However the last year or so has been so so hard to deal with . I am with someone who shows zero affection to me doesn’t engage in any way apart from day to day requirements about the house and kids etc
. The only time she has come near me sexually recently is the day after she came back blind drunk and started verbally abusing me saying the most horrible vile things to me and told me we were not suited and to f#ck off into the spare room as she didn’t want to be near me . The next day she said she had no recollection of this couldn’t remember even getting in and used sex as a way to try and make it go away . I am ashamed to say I fell for this and ended up feeling shit about myself for doing so and not holding her to account as I should have . I told her exactly how she had behaved and she kept saying it was a blur ( similar has happened a couple of times before when she drinks too much , her answer is I am just not a very nice person when I am drunk )
. Surely this can’t all be menopause related and if you treat someone like that it has to be what you are thinking deep down ?
I must add we have 2 young children who I love more than anything in this world or I would seriously consider going . She does take hrt but it doesn’t seem to make a massive difference . Does this get better will things calm down? or is it just more of the same for the future ?
I

Married almost 23 years with two daughters. In 2020, we went into that zeitgeist of darkness known as Covid. We started hanging out with a group of neighbors I never cared for and expressed that. We were both drinking way too much and I drugged some too (blow and mushrooms).
The wife of our neighbor at some point in 2021 texted me about discovering WhatsApp messages between her husband my wife. He was 10 years younger than her. I’m 5 years older than she is. This stung.
They had been fucking (lots) during that six months. I immediately locked my drinking/drugging down and quit cold turkey. I’m the child of a very traumatic divorce and decided divorce was off the table. There were so many parallels to my family. My older sister had mental illness and the divorce sent her life spiraling and she’s never recovered. My oldest daughter has similar underlying issues and I knew it would unleash similar trauma. So I the my body on the live grenade and kept it from children, my parents, her parents. In the immediate aftermath, my wayward wife said and did all the right things. Plus, there have been things on my side such as financial infidelity for me to reckon with.
Still, she’s had more than one affair throughout our marriage, come to find out, although just how carnal/emotional it was is something I’ve never been completely confident about knowing all. She was a virgin when we met, and wasn’t confident/slightly overweight and has glow-ups in the last ten years, plus has become social media obsessed. I think women like this can be extra dangerous. I’ve come to realize she’s not who I thought she was. And I just don’t know if I’ll ever feel safe with her again. My nervous system is fucked, and I hate myself for not having the self-respect to leave. That’s all on me.
It’s 5 years past the D-Day, I’m still sober, but I think staying has fucking destroyed me mentally. There’s nothing left of me as a man, it feels like. The affairs were eerily similar to ones my mother had, so there’s a lot of abandonment wounds tied up in this. My wife and mother have similar personalities and even similar careers. Subconsciously, I see now I was seeking something from my childhood wound, an unavailable type of love. What a shitshow!
Ever since then, been so deeply depressed, I’m taking the radical step undergoing deep brain stimulation surgeries to attempt to break this long-term depression. The thing is, I’m not unhappy
The sex life has never recovered to my satisfaction, and now she is in the throes of menopause and she could give a all the time, not even most of the time. It seems to happen when we haven’t had sex for a spell and then fuckin-A, it starts to fester and I have so much bitterness, anger, and sometimes even hatred for what this woman has done to me.
She genuinely tries to be loving and is loving, but physical intimacy is my love language, and right or wrong, I feel I’m owed it after she had an affair.
Getting divorced at 53 over an unsatisfactory sex life just seems so shallow. Besides, our lives are so intertwined, I wouldn’t know where to begin, and my lifestyle would take a major hit. Because of kids, family, and my crippling depression, I don’t even know how to begin to unravel it. But I can’t go on having infrequent bland, affectionless, rote sex for the rest of my life. I’m 53 and still very sexual.
I have very little hope for my future either way I choose. Ain’t no use, to cut you loose …

Me m52 and my wife f47 24 years married have had problems for years and she has always been successful at blaming me and after fights I usually fold and accept all the blame and that is what has always worked for her. She creates scenarios and circumstances that are unique and if I express even one concern or say that I don't like it she rages and blames me for everything. For back story, My wife always complains about everyone. Everyone at work is mean or bad or she can't stand them. This is daily. She comes home everyday and dumps how bad everyone has been and how she just can't stand them. She goes to church and leaves complaining about everyone. I, as a husband have always assumed that she was sensitive so I listen and usually agree or offer reasons why people may be just human. If I dont agree though she gets mad so I usually just go along. So for this example, about three weeks ago her coworkers announced that they were having a retirement party for a member of their team. She immediately started to complain about how she didn't want to go, wasn't going to go and she just wanted out because everyone was a jerk. The complaining was daily. After two weeks of listening to it I declared that I certainly wouldn't go if it was going to be that bad. So three days before I told her she should just go, pop in and express congratulations and leave. She said that was her plan. She continued talking about everyone poorly. She said she would leave no later than 7, that she wasn't going to drink and wanting to ease her trauma I made plans to spend the evening with her when she got home and that I would make her feel better by giving her a massage. So on Friday at the end of her day she calls me before the party very ho hum and not really sharing much and then says she wanted to call her mom real quick before she goes in to the party at 5:15. We say goodbye and I start setting the house up for a romantic evening. 15 minutes later she sends a text saying her phone is dying "I must have forgotten to charge it last night" (she is always anal about keeping her phone charged for work and she spends a lot of time in her car) and she says she won't be able to call me. Immediately I am confused and wondering why even send that. Then at 7:15 I realize something is up and I send a text that says "this is dumb"

She doesn't reply until 8:15 but at this point i have given up and disassembled the massage table. She drives home and drives 20 minutes and comes home and commences to screaming at me for controlling her life, not letting her have fun with friends, that she cant even have a drink because she has to rush home to her insecure husband and that I am jealous, and that she just wants to kill herself. She kept getting in my face screaming. She later said that she went off because when she first asked why I wrote "this is dumb" and that the look on my face was hateful when she asked me why i would send that message. I'd say my look was shocked. I remained calm for most of the screaming. She later said that she only got mad because I was calling her a liar about the phone and that's what made her mad. I was just trying to say that her car reminds her when her phone is low and the phone has a message to plug it in when it's low so I didn't buy the story. Her phone was at 40% when she got home. In the argument she spun 9 kinds of sideways even screaming something about how she was upset that her phone died because her cousin who is 2000 miles away was dying (she never has talked with her cousin for the 15 years that she has had cancer. We have had these problems before. Last May we had a big fight because I discovered that she had been sneaking off to go see a friend (female) for two years secretly. Waiting for me to go out of town to meet up with friends but then lying and saying her phone was turned off. (All confirmed with text messages). I am so tired of being controlled and gaslighted. I don't know how to respond anymore. It's like I have completely lost myself and I don't know who I am anymore. Will this ever change.

My wife is so excited that I took charge of the Obgyn appointment and talking to the doctor. She said it takes soo much off of her. I told her that I will step out during the exam so I don’t beat the hell out of the lake Doctor but after that I will be there. I don’t think I could ever watch another man touching my wife and not stomp out his teeth

I love venting in here it’s been very cathartic.

Daughter going away to college next week for first time, wife is a mess. I’m in bed last night she’s downstairs.

I get a text “I can’t, I can’t”…(meaning she can’t handle her leaving”)

I respond back “We both have to. You can do it be strong. We both need to get close to each other again we both need it “

Our marriage sucks just like most of yours on here so this is me trying to reach out somehow to connect.

Zero response back but 30 minutes later I can hear her stomping up to bed.

I don’t have the exact quote when she entered the bedroom but it was bitching about the humidity upstairs and it’s because our windows suck, this is so stupid and I can’t believe we haven’t replaced them. (We live in a huge, very nice house btw and no I don’t want to spend 50k on windows knowing we want to move relatively soon). And it’s not “humid” upstairs btw.

After that it was mumbling one word answers to anything I said so I went to bed.

Priorities….your husband is trying to bridge the gap, opening the door through text and you want to talk about windows at 9:30 at night….

Vent over thanks very much 😃

She left me. I've lurked here for a while, took strength from some of your experiences and shared shreds of what I had left. But she cut me out. Then she started turning into something else. Started talking to the TV and radio. Like full manic conversations.

I asked, begged her to speak to her doc but this only triggered her harder. She ranted at me, shouted at me, told me everything was my fault.

Then she got volatile. Told me I was not allowed to speak. Shrunk what was left of me. When she pushed me I called police. She was taken to her mum's. I changed the locks and then the threats started. 150+ messages and aggressive voice notes overnight. I had to call police again. Now I'm having to follow through with a criminal complaint just to protect myself.

I've packed all of her things, with care and organisation; spent money on solicitors and financial advisors... And amidst this found she's stopped taking medication and started taking drugs... She's cut off her family now too and now she's alone somewhere but beyond help.

This is more than just peri/menopause and turned into a different beast altogether. I'm lucky to have a lot of amazing friends and family. People came from all corners of my life and supported me. Honestly without them I'd have been crippled.

Still going through the legal motions and starting to feel more myself but it's been brutal.

The woman I married is the sweetest, most thoughtful woman. Smart, intuitive and incredibly perceptive. But I lost her 2 years ago to this. Everything that happened is not her, I am not putting her down or shaming her, just grieving the loss of her. And I feel for the woman somewhere in there that I love.

I pray nobody else has to go through this, I hope your experiences are trivial in comparison and I share this only as a worst case scenario, maybe for some to relate to, maybe for some to see warning signs before I did.

I'd have stuck it out for longer if she had let me, in the hope she'd return.

If anyone is ever in similar circumstances and doesn't know who to talk to or where to turn and you read this, give me a shout. I'll be here.

How do I support my wife through perimenopause when she has completely withdrawn, and does the emotional distance get better?

​I desperately need other perspectives (input from ladies would be great too) who have navigated perimenopause. I want to support my wife, but I am terrified our marriage won’t survive the current distance between us, and I feel completely helpless.

​My wife is dealing with severe burnout, depression, and classic peri symptoms: irregular periods, sleep disruptions, temperature issues, and zero libido. I know her physical and emotional suffering is the primary issue here, and I am trying to take as much off her plate as possible. I've taken over more household duties, and I actively encourage her to take solo weekends or at least several hours, away so she can unplug entirely from being a mom and wife. She is also taking a week-long trip with her mom and sister soon to decompress.

​Logically, I know her withdrawal isn't about me. But emotionally, I am struggling to cope with the absolute loss of connection. The hardest part isn't the lack of sex; it's the total absence of physical affection. She sleeps as far away from me as possible, facing the wall. I have completely stopped initiating anything physical so she feels no pressure and feels safe in her own space, but it is incredibly lonely.

​When she gets overwhelmed, her instinct is to withdraw and build walls. She is currently very opposed to therapy for a variety of reasons, so we aren't getting outside help. We recently had a conversation about our sleeping arrangements because the rejection in the shared bed is breeding resentment in me, and her response was defensive—she told me I could stay in the bed but not to expect her to cuddle me.

​I love my wife. I want to work through this together. But living with a partner who currently acts like she doesn't even like me is breaking my heart.

​For people on the other side of this, or in the thick of it: How can I best support her without losing my own sanity? Beyond giving her space and managing the house, what actually helps? Most importantly, does the emotional baseline stabilize once peri transitions into menopause, or is this profound withdrawal the new normal? The prospect of permanence is my biggest fear now.

My wife is my best friend. 30 years married and we still flirt constantly and have fun together. Sex life is ok for still having kids in the home and when it does happen is very good. In the past year or so we started trying some new things and her body has reacted nicely, she went from having moisture issues for most of our marriage to dripping wet. Not to get too graphic but she has now started to do something requiring the sheets to be washed the next day. A couple of months ago she said she made an appointment, she said the hot flashes are becoming unbearable and she’s having trouble sleeping. She’s at a women’s care center right now for her appointment. I want everything good for her but I’ve heard on this sub things that worry me. Can anyone on this sub share stories of what happened to them when the starting point was a good and loving marriage?

My partner has not kissed me for over 14 months now . We haven’t had sex for even longer . I’m not sure what to do . We have kids and our relationship is purely practical now ( I think she wants that) . I definitely don’t. She is on HRT and seeing a hippy therapist she likes . Through therapy she has discovered the following : she thinks there is a mother/son dynamic going on (me being the son) as she feels as though she looks after everything . I honestly think now we are quite equal , but there was a period in the relationship when she took on the vast majority of childcare etc ; however I was struggling with mental health problems - depression /ocd etc .

She says she wants to try a period of continued non intimacy while I try and be more aware of her and things that need doing . I think I could improve in this department , but I think I treat her well currently . She does have a tendency to take over and not ask for help .

She is definitely going through peri ( she had a really tearful period , then a v horny period and now this period! ) . She has also completely changed the way she looks , spends hrs on her appearance and has started socialising way more . Which is all good but the lack of intimacy /care for me hurts and I’m not sure what to do .

Any advice ? Anyone one else in a similar situation. Mine feels v complex ; there is def some resentment in terms of the amount of childcare she had to do . The other complexity was at the time she really wanted kids , I wasn’t ready , but she said she would take on the bulk of the childcare and if I didn’t give her kids she would leave . I wanted kids with her at some point so I went along with it but I really wasn’t ready and I think it made my mental health worse . Don’t get me wrong I love my kids and they think I’m a great dad but it was hard for me for various reasons .

Thoughts ?

First, thankful to see that I'm not alone in some of what I've experienced with the peri-journey, and while my situation has not been a cakewalk, I'm also grateful that my situation hasn't gone quite as badly as some others. That said...here's my situation, super condensed:

January 1, 2025, after the ball dropped, my wife and I went to bed. Little did I know that'd be the last time we'd have sex. The following morning, we get up, go about our day, but she says she wants to talk to me about something, so I should schedule some time for us to sit down. After awhile, it becomes clear this is something that's eating at her, so I tell her let's talk now. We sit, she tells me that I've been an amazing husband, done everything she's ever asked, but she's feeling like she needs to "strike out on her own" and that she wants a divorce. She tells me she's never really lived on her own and that that coupled with some past trauma has made her feel like she needs to step out solo. I'm floored. I keep my composure, I ask if peri has anything to do with this, she says that's part of it, and she doesn't really know what else to say other than she's sorry but this is what she feels she needs to do. She also says that from here on, regardless of how things play out, sex is done for her. She has no interest and I can do whatever I need to do, but she doesn't wanna know about it. I tell her this is not what I want, that I want to fight for us, she says there's no need and her decision is made.

The following month, she tells me she's ready to go to the courthouse to file paperwork. We continue to cohabitate. We have a few conversations about the situation, and I've gone on reddit and done research on the peri/divorce pipeline. I point this out, she says that makes sense, and acknowledges that's a lot of what's happening with us. I again say this is not what I want, that we can work through this. She says she's decided. We file paperwork. She then suggests therapy for both of us, but ultimately does not follow through.

March 9th we have our Zoom meeting with the court. That morning, beforehand, I ask her if she's sure - absolutely sure - that this is what she wants to do. She says, "I know this is batshit crazy, and accept full responsibility for what's happening, but if i don't do this i may regret it and I'm compelled to do so." We have our meeting, they grant us an uncontested divorce. A few weeks later divorce papers arrive and we're done.

She mentioned in the initial conversation that she wanted to be on her own and get her own place. Finances did not permit that to happen, and after a few months she made it clear she didn't want to leave, and that maybe this was a hasty move on her part. She tells me she hopes to maybe reconcile one day if she ever feels normal again. She also refuses to take any medication, hormones or anything else aside from Estroven and whatever natural remedies may be available.

Now, the weird thing is that our relationship is such that we are actually best friends and even through the divorce we are caring and talking everyday and basically living like an 80 year old married couple. We do things together, we eat dinner together, we do family stuff (kids are 20/22, grown but at home). Basically we do all the things except sex.

So. It's now a year and a half since the announcement. She's continuing through her peri journey, i'm supporting and assisting where i can though we're divorced. My internal situation is trying to figure out how to navigate everything with this "new normal" - our relationship is probably 80% of what people want to have: we get along pretty well, i support her (financially, I pay all the bills except her car and credit card; and emotionally) still, and i do everything i can to make her feel seen and heard. I'm trying to figure out what to do about the sexual aspect...do I accept that i'm basically in a sexless non-marriage, do i seek out a sidechick/external "contractor" (lol)...like what's the protocol here? And how does one go about that? I'm 49...i'm not dead...but i have seen on here a lot of men who have accepted the situation as "sex is done for me".

So, I posted this recently within comments of my last post. I am really struggling to understand the girlfriend's POV and what she called me.

I am selling my house to move in with my girlfriend and as part of the sale I have listed things I am leaving behind for the buyer which includes curtains and blinds. Out of nowhere on Sunday my girlfriend told me that we will take the curtain pole from my living room to her house for my daughter's bedroom which is getting sorted. I said the pole will be expected to stay and its not a big deal for me to replace a new one and I also said it would inconvenience the buyer who is a single Mother...because I used that line (her being a singl3 mum) I was accused of using it as ammunition to make her feel like shit for asking for it and then called me a fucking liar when I was absolutely bemused at what she just said. We were out having a walk when it kicked off because I couldn't deal with the atmosphere and energy and called her out on it. Once she called me what she did I then got my house keys out of her car and walked home.

We've had surface level messages and agreed to talk it through on phone or in person. Anyone else had similar shit and how did you cope?

Why does it feel like she has this magic reset button when it comes to trying to progress through issues?

We have a heated argument about a certain aspect. Four or five weeks go by. I bring up the subject in a lighter way to get some clarification only to be met with "well talked about that weeks ago and it will take longer to get over it or answer you".

One or two steps forward and 4 or 5 steps backwards. Doesn't matter how small or large the discussion or action. The entire process seems to be reset.

We are just really beginning this journey. She can tell that her body is changing and she doesn’t like it. I’m trying to be supportive. I messed up a few days ago and lost my shit over the loneliness and never being intimate. I’m not as worried about sex, as the intimacy we used to share. For whatever reason it seemed to make a difference. We had a wonderful night together last night. Best in months. She actually wants me to go with her to her ObGyn appointment at the end of the month. I’m going to make sure to ask about the Hormone Replacement Therapy. Plus I have already, read lots of helpful things on this page already.

I try but its hard.....

I think the worse for me is when she comes up with something which, to be quite honest, is borderline insane.

Having a difference of opinion or being in a mood I can ignore but when she starts having a go at me for something just crazy I can't.

Perhaps its me, I think "so why on earth do I have to put with this crazy person here?"

I think I'm luckier than a lot of you on you. Yeh my wife is passive PITA but shes not abusive MOST of the time. Its just that 5% craziness that comes out means we can never disagree about anything.

I've been on a few threads about perimenopause to try and understand what both my wife and I are going through and it's always the same comments from women when men ask questions. They just think men are complaining about lack of sex. I don't think it's the sex that men are missing it's the intimacy that sex provides. Men struggle to express emotions and feelings so sex with your partner is the only time you can be emotionally and physically close to them.

I know it's the woman who is physically going through the menopause but it needs to be understood that a husband/boyfriend etc is also going through their change as well and they are also justified in their feelings.