r/MenopauseShedforMen

Depeche Mode said it better than I ever will. You already know the words.

Words are very unnecessary...

For a long time, silence in my marriage scared me. Silence meant something was wrong. Something I did. Something I missed. Something I needed to fix right now. And honestly sometimes it was just that. I won't pretend it wasn’t. My wife and I wife have been making the same commute for twelve years. We work together. We eat lunch together almost every day. There were days we sat in the car and said nothing, both of us staring straight ahead, pretending like whatever argument or disagreement from the night before wasn't sitting between us. Yup awkward. Those were the hard ones. And yeah, sometimes the silence was totally on me. We got through it and here we are but it took me longer than I'd like to admit to understand what the silence was actually telling me.

But something changed when I started learning what perimenopause actually does and how it works. Not just to my wife's body but also to her mind. Her brain doesn't stop. It's not just the perimenopause hormones running underneath everything. Her cycle is still going on top of all that. Being a mom doesn't stop for any of it. And for a lot of women you throw in being the eldest daughter, managing her own parents while managing everything else in her life at the same time. All of it running every day, all at once. So when she goes quiet, it is not about you. It never was. The quiet is her carrying something you can't see and probably couldn't name even if she tried to explain it.

Took me way too long to get that. I kept turning her silence into something about me. What did I do? What did I miss? How do I even fix this? That's not support. That's just me making her stillness my problem to solve, which made it worse all the  time. What I understand now is that sometimes doing nothing is the most useful thing I've got. We'll eat lunch in my office and barely say a word. Commute home with music and no conversation. Other times we enjoy the silence. When I know she's had a hard day. I don't ask twenty questions. I'll just give her the space to read her books. This is still a work in progress. And I tend to be a little annoying at times.

But I keep myself busy.

I'm almost 50 and started playing Fortnite Rocket Racing specifically, go ahead and judge me. (And to all the Bhoppers out there. How about you give some old guys a chance to reach Elite. I only have till October to prove my boys wrong. I bet them I can make Elite and I'm currently sitting in Champion. So every time you see me out there racing, I challenge you to beat me, straight up. No Bhoppering. #RocketRacing)

Anyway. Back to the point. And if things get frustrating and I'm not gonna pretend they don't. It just needs a place to go while you figure out who you're becoming in this. It doesn't need an audience and it sure doesn't belong on then drive home. I started gardening(grew a pineapple) and kinda writing. I started riding my bike again, early mornings along the LA river. None of it was planned. My wife needed quiet and I needed somewhere to put my energy so she didn't have to feel bad or worry about me. That's the whole trade. Find your thing. Doesn't have to make sense to anybody else and it doesn't have to look good either. It just has to get you out of the house or off the couch or out of your own head long enough for her to enjoy the silence.

The silence stopped being a problem the moment I stopped treating it like one.

"The forest stays alive because it lets dead things fall."

This link is worth watching folks.

https://youtu.be/tvHYnqYXVr4?si=ca6CnnxiKVGsfPw-

Its for those partners who feel lost.

It’s been one month since my wife saw an HRT specialist and prescribed her three medications. Within about two weeks, my wife sees a difference and I have as well.

She said she’s calmer, less heart palpitations, her skin feels better and she sleeps way better than before. That’s a good news.

The bad news is we are still in a sexual drought. Also, she has not made an effort to call for three months follow up, which is strange.

I have noticed that when we go to bed, she instantly cuddles with me, but that’s it.

I need to have a conversation with her about her lack of sex drive.

Is this normal?

Me 47M, wife is around 3 years peri and 51F. The last time we had "relations" was November 2024 (but who's counting...)

I'm starting to just accept that we're never going to have sex again. Throughout the damage years of discovering her change had started we have had a bunch of discussions about it, in therapy and outside of therapy. One key takeaway from all of it is that she said that sex isn't very important to her. We would at least knock boots 2-3 times per month, then like a wall it damn near went to zero. That was in early 2023.

We've been married around 10 years, and met 12 years ago. No kids. Already sleep in separate rooms but that's because she snores and I'm a light sleeper. We started that in 2017 and it didn't slow down the relations so that is a non-issue.

So, to the people (men or women) in a dead bedroom marriage, how do you live with it? To be honest I'm not sure I can power thru another 25 years with zero sexual intimacy.

My wife is going through peri - is on HRT and Test and states she doesn't have anymore peri-symptoms - except the glaringly obvious zero interest in me in the bedroom. It's like she has lost any/all attraction she ever had for me and I'm some guy who is just around to lift heavy things, open jars and take the kids to sport. I am a very involved father and I do my share of the housework to the point I get told I'm doing too much (can't win hey).

I may get a quick hug or kiss goodbye but thats it. Sadly this is making me withdrawn, distant and quiet (due to constant rejection)and just more interested in keeping my mind busy - and I'm sure its a viscous circle but I have no idea how to reset it. I do not pester her for intimacy (and the rare times it has happened she has enjoyed it) - I will occasionally suggest some fun in the bedroom, even setup some candles and nice music etc only to be met with a laugh or a 'huff' 95% of the time. I am trying but slowly dying inside and losing hope. I have tried to talk but she just gets so defensive and I feel like a dick for making a deal about it. SHe does not believe me when I say it affects me this much and it must be 'something ele'. She said she misses it but seemingly does not do anything to try to improve the situation. My weekends are now just spent just waiting for them to be over (apart from kids sports etc) so I can just get back to work and keep my mind busy.

I want to know - to any of the wives going through this - do you actually miss that part of your relationship or are you relieved that its over - how are your husbands dealing? Did you get past this?

Ladies of this subreddit. I have a question for you. My partner 52f and myself 49m were having a converstion regarding intimacy, (she brought it up). She said to me that i havnt talked about sex lately, wanting it ect. She has been going through peri for about 7yrs we figured out the other day.

I said i dont really think about it anymore as perimenopause is a beast that i cannot win with so i just try not to think about it and in many cases the kids need help with something or the house hold jobs need doing so its forgotten pretty quickly.

Many years ago she wanted space so i left the bedroom and took up residence in the loungeroom. Its just easy that way.

Anyway she was supprised with the answer, we usually have some sort of intimacy once a month give or take.

She let me know that she still does want sex but has no sex drive, loves it when we are having fun.

She said she is open to sex i just have to ask her and get her motor going and it would be all fun and games. She just cannot get her motor going by herself.

She has never openly spoke about this.

My question is this. Is this just hormones talking (she is on many hormone replacement medication) or is this maybe a crack in the peri beast that has taken her only because she is thinking this way. I dont want to dance the happy dance if this is just a phase and me asking for sex does more bad than good. Ive not asked for 7yrs and only let her lead, (for saftey reasons,)

Thank you for your time and replies in advance.

Men and women -Cherish the fire phase . Tell ur wife someday soon, when an orgasm feels like nothing more than a fart , she’s gonna REALLLY regret all those times she turned you down cuz she was “too tired” 😪 I know I do

My spouse (55) seems to have experienced permanent changes to her personality - snippy, often rude, cuts me off mid-sentence, constantly irritated - and when I calmly (sometimes not so calmly) express frustration she doesn’t seem to even be aware that she was being truly bitchy. Her RBF is permanent.

I notice when she smiles or laughs because it’s so infrequent these days. I often avoid contact with her at all. And I’ve noticed our grown kids and friends seem to be more distant these days. I usually get the worst of it. She’s like a grumpy old person walking around pushing our former life further and further away and has no idea her constant negativity is having this effect. Does this go away eventually?

Hey All,

So my wife started on 100mg progesterone and 0.025 estradiol using the Vivelle-Dot in mid March.

Before all this she had all the classic symptoms that’s talked about in this subreddit. We used Midihealth and I was able to get her an appt.

Anyway, within days she completely 180 and was lighter and happier and with me. Soon I had to get a refill but they (Safeway) were out of stock. So I got it switched to Walgreens which used Sandoz for their estradiol patch.

Didn’t think much of it but in this last month her symptoms and moods have shifted back slowly. I initially wondered if it was the dosage but that would be so drastic. Now I’ve read about the manufacturer being a big shift.

Anyone have this experience? I need to call the first pharmacy again to see if they have any more Vivelle-Dot. From what I read, Sandoz is like a generic version of the same formula.

EDIT: I looked at photos I took and realized my wife did really well on Mylan. She is currently using Sandoz but it’s not effective it seems.

We are going through it, and I just need to vent. I'm 50 and my wife is 45. We have a fantastic marriage, we get along so well

My wife was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer 2 years ago, and after surgery and chemo is cancer free. I'm so grateful, that she beat that damn disease and will love a long life.

She decided to proactively have her ovaries removed as she tested positive for the gene that also puts her at risk for ovarian cancer. This of course has put her into peri menopause at 45, and it sucks.

We had a pretty great sex life pre cancer, and since she has lost all her Libido. Familiar story here I know. What I'm struggling with is the fact I find her absolutely gorgeous and want so much just to be intimate with her.

She has zero desire to have sex. I completely understand the physical and mental struggles she is going through, but my desire for intimacy is so strong and there is just nothing there for her.

We've had long chats about this new reality, and I understand that she needs very specific attention to even get her to the point. The worst thing is, she says when we are intimate she feels good and loves it, but getting here there is almost impossible.

She unfortunately can't take HRT because of the type of cancer she had, and I completely support that, I want to reduce any chance that it will come back.

I just don't know how to deal with the intense need I have for intimacy that just isn't going to happen.

Not sure what I'm looking for here, I guess I just wanted to vent. I was expecting this at age 70, not age 50.

Ok so this is going to be short and to the point! I miss seeing and touching my wife's tits!

So a first in my peri journey... My wife just told me that she wants me to have sex with other people... This is probably having the opposite effect on me as some would expect. Its making me feel like she is close to completely checking out and being done. Also, thoughts of maybe she is.. But that can't be... I mean she is a frequent toy user alone... I don't want anyone else... I don't know how to feel

It'd be helpful to get some perspectives on those who have survived, even if those perspectives say they wish they'd left sooner.

Our background is 20 years together and we're in our early 40s. The last 6 years have been tough and we've only just started to realise that perimenapause is probably the main reason for that. We're reasonable communicators and are going to therapy.

I feel like I've got one foot out of the door already, it's more a case that I need convincing to stay together (and she knows this).

Some context: Late 40s and married for 20+ years with two kids. Both of us work full time. We have always had a good relationship. We agree on the big stuff and seldom fight. I will agree that our relationship has not been the most passionate (more on that in a bit), but we haven't suffered any significant bumps over the course of the marriage.

I knew my wife was going through premenopause and that she had gone to her Dr about hormone therapy. The other night as I was cooking dinner, she hits me with "I've been in therapy for two weeks and I feel like we're just roommates and I'd like to do marriage counseling". I think she's right about all of this but it still knocked me sideways. In a nutshell, her complaints about me are that I am not very affectionate. I get that, but I am the primary "doer" in the house. I do all the cooking and grocery shopping, I pack the kids lunches, deal with school matters, do most of the picking up around the house, and 100% of the house / yard maintenance. When the kids have a question or want something, they come to me. They will walk right passed her and walk all the way out to the garage to ask me. I am the point person. My wife spends most of her free time reading. When she's not working or doing something for herself (running, personal trainer, etc---none of which I begrudge her at all) she's in her chair reading. A bomb could go off and she wouldn't know it.

Shes right that I'm awkward about giving affection but I'm more of an "acts of service" type of guy. I make things for her (I'm a woodworker / carver) and, like I said, I cook every night of the week. It's easy to get resentful when I'm cooking and dealing with the kids and I look over at her in her chair, completely oblivious. I'm trying not to the the suggestion of therapy personally but it's difficult to take criticism (even when it's fair and warranted) when I feel she's the one who has retreated and distanced herself (not just from me but from the kids too).

I've done a lot of reading about mid-life relationships and I know that a lot of this is normal and, hopefully, between the hormones, the kids getting older and the therapy we'll come out the other side stronger and healthier. Still I've been thinking about all of this nonstop for the last 24 hrs and I'd like to hear what you guys think. Thanks.

Interestingly enough this was deleted on the r/perimenopause sub. Hopefully some of the women on this page will help out here.

I work in healthcare and the office I work in is staffed by more women than men which is pretty much the norm. I have always had a brother/sister vibe with my coworkers in pretty much every job so it isn’t uncommon for us to discuss relationships, life struggles etc on a pretty personal level.

For example, when my closest work sister (we started together just before COVID and really ended up as close as I am to my bio sisters) was struggling with fibroids and other issues that led to a partial hysterectomy, I was one of her confidants. She would share relationship struggles, discuss her irregular periods, pain, Etc. This tends to be sort of the norm for my work relationships.

That brings me to my question, my wife struggles to talk about things like period discomfort, perimenopause symptoms, relationship concerns much more than my coworkers do. This has gotten better over time, but it still seems somewhat forced.

In my work life, the women I work with have shared peri/menopause books with me, talked about podcasts, discussed treatment options and current research, etc. When it comes to navigating this phase of our marriage. They offer a sympathetic ear at times and also as a reality check when needed. One keeps threatening to steal my wife if I screw it up (she is also married so it is in good fun, but also reminds me what a great partner I have). I couldn’t be more grateful for them.

All that being said, why is it easier for the women I work with to talk to me about things than it is for my wife?

Any other husbands or wives dealing with bipolar and perimenopause? She’s getting close to the 12 months without a period (yeah, I know 12 months is just number they use to declare menopause), she’s got 7 months down, but the last two years have been absolute hell on her, and myself, first signs of peri started about 9 years ago. I finally was able to convince her about three weeks ago that she should try HRT, I had to schedule the appointment, and she’s been on progesterone and estrogen for about two weeks. Last Saturday, she came out with the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you, and I think we should separate.” The next day after church, she’s breaking down in tears, “I don’t want to separate, I don’t want to leave you, the kids, our home, but I don’t know what our future holds.” Another blow up two nights ago about feeling trapped, and she can’t make decisions because she can’t think straight, and I should decide if we separate. I simply told her I wouldn’t beg her to stay, that I wouldn’t fight with her, but I would fight for us, and I would advocate for her and support her (conversation started at 10:00 pm and ended at 5:00 am). I spent all day yesterday talking to different psychiatric offices that work with bipolar, women’s health, and life transitions, neither one of us feels like she’s being medicated correctly for her bipolar while she’s in the throes of peri. I Brought home all of the information, and she didn’t even want to look at it, just told me to text it to her. She said she was just tired of talking about it all right now, and didn’t want to be worried with it. I know I overthink too much, especially right now, and it’s driving me crazy, not so much that I’m worried about divorce, but I’m truly worried about her mental health. So, anyone else found themselves going through peri and living with bipolar at the same time?

My wife has acknowledged for awhile she’s in peri but actually recently asked me about trying HRT as long as I handled all the logistics and went with her. Of course I would help her try anything. The only thing we know right now is that free/testosterone levels are basically zero from private lab work recently done. (These may have been almost zero before peri)

The problem is now so many online places and private in-person clinics appear to be a money grab. And it seems most traditional doctors are dismissive, and of course her current doctors are too. I want to give this a try at least. I already know a lot about the various options. Getting someone to listen and try something is the issue. Any suggestions on actually getting started on finding a provider? (Either online or in-person). We are in the US.

**edit** Wow, thanks for all the input everyone! I forgot to mention she is on synthetic BC with progestin/estrogen which is why I was looking at the testosterone. Thanks again!!!

We are about 4 years into this adventure of perimenopause at this point. To say it has effected our house would be a understatement. To add on to the situation she got laid off from her job as a software engineer early this year and as anyone looking for work in that portion of the tech industry knows those jobs are not easy to find right now. Unfortunately she was the primary breadwinner in our house so I’m working 60 to 70 hour a week to try and make up for the lose of income. I go in early so I can be home by 5 so the kids don’t stress her out to much. Most nights by the time I get the kids to bed and to bed myself I get 4 to 5 hour of sleep. In my twenties I could easily work this much on less sleep but those days are behind me and I am wearing out.

I have done much reading and listening to professionals on podcast and it seems the simple answer for her to get some relief from symptoms would be HRT. Even if everything was good in all other aspects of our lives the answer to regaining any sex drive is HRT. Unfortunately she is reluctant to even consider them because her mother had her first stroke after starting them when she was a teenager and she thinks that is the cause.

Is there any literature are sources that have been helpful in convincing a spouse or your self that HRT is safe if done correctly. I fear I will have to switch jobs to try and make significantly more money. Unfortunately this will leave the majority of the responsibility of raising our kids to her and I don’t know if that’s doable right now with the way she feels.

Also what are the odds that if she keeps going through this natural things will get better. Looking forward after she is menopausal and hormones level out is there a chance she regains any desire for me again.

Any advice or personal experiences are appreciated. Thanks

**Venting / Ranting ** Married for decades. Wife now regularly is very annoyed with people she works with and with me. I've gotten reasonably good at not reacting anymore. As to some of the work stuff, the underyling reason for the annoyance is reasonable, but the reality of life is that some people are frustrating. Also, if I made some equivalent professional decisions based on equivalent annoyances, I'd wager a non-trivial amount about her talking about my male insecurity / male fragile ego.

Because of her work, she is very familiar with the peri and meno literature and research. But continues to be of the view that she is not in peri, even though various other things she has experienced at least raise a question. [To preempt comments about seeing a specialist and HRT, she already shut that down, and I may as well just serve divorce papers if I raise that.]

I don't buy into the choreplay discourse popular in different subs or and think that keeping "score" is very not good a marriage, but that premise hit recently after she sent a video about the load of women doing everything (presumably triggerred by her deciding to go handle a certain household task for the first time in several weeks). In recent years I do the majority of household task or I coordinate the persons we hire to handle.

[In times before that she did handle many house management task or we hired someone because I had a job that paid several multiples of what she makes, but I left that because she wanted us to have more time together, though she then decided to transition her work to require very long hours, without much of a change in compensation and then recently opted for something where the long hours stay the same but compensation goes down.] When I have made various career decisions, we discussed things before I acted, but for her recent decision she informed me that is what is happening, so I need to ensure I make up that change in our household income, which I can do, but that has generated negative comments about my work hours.

Got some additional negative comments tonight about my career choices, health choices (even though my PCP thinks all is well, workout somewhat regularly, and I have had to push her to get basic health checks), and overall life choices, that are hard to take. I'd acknowledge that there are places where I can improve, like most adults, but if I raised some equivalent items or suggested a medical response to peri....

Just venting.