So...now what?
First, thankful to see that I'm not alone in some of what I've experienced with the peri-journey, and while my situation has not been a cakewalk, I'm also grateful that my situation hasn't gone quite as badly as some others. That said...here's my situation, super condensed:
January 1, 2025, after the ball dropped, my wife and I went to bed. Little did I know that'd be the last time we'd have sex. The following morning, we get up, go about our day, but she says she wants to talk to me about something, so I should schedule some time for us to sit down. After awhile, it becomes clear this is something that's eating at her, so I tell her let's talk now. We sit, she tells me that I've been an amazing husband, done everything she's ever asked, but she's feeling like she needs to "strike out on her own" and that she wants a divorce. She tells me she's never really lived on her own and that that coupled with some past trauma has made her feel like she needs to step out solo. I'm floored. I keep my composure, I ask if peri has anything to do with this, she says that's part of it, and she doesn't really know what else to say other than she's sorry but this is what she feels she needs to do. She also says that from here on, regardless of how things play out, sex is done for her. She has no interest and I can do whatever I need to do, but she doesn't wanna know about it. I tell her this is not what I want, that I want to fight for us, she says there's no need and her decision is made.
The following month, she tells me she's ready to go to the courthouse to file paperwork. We continue to cohabitate. We have a few conversations about the situation, and I've gone on reddit and done research on the peri/divorce pipeline. I point this out, she says that makes sense, and acknowledges that's a lot of what's happening with us. I again say this is not what I want, that we can work through this. She says she's decided. We file paperwork. She then suggests therapy for both of us, but ultimately does not follow through.
March 9th we have our Zoom meeting with the court. That morning, beforehand, I ask her if she's sure - absolutely sure - that this is what she wants to do. She says, "I know this is batshit crazy, and accept full responsibility for what's happening, but if i don't do this i may regret it and I'm compelled to do so." We have our meeting, they grant us an uncontested divorce. A few weeks later divorce papers arrive and we're done.
She mentioned in the initial conversation that she wanted to be on her own and get her own place. Finances did not permit that to happen, and after a few months she made it clear she didn't want to leave, and that maybe this was a hasty move on her part. She tells me she hopes to maybe reconcile one day if she ever feels normal again. She also refuses to take any medication, hormones or anything else aside from Estroven and whatever natural remedies may be available.
Now, the weird thing is that our relationship is such that we are actually best friends and even through the divorce we are caring and talking everyday and basically living like an 80 year old married couple. We do things together, we eat dinner together, we do family stuff (kids are 20/22, grown but at home). Basically we do all the things except sex.
So. It's now a year and a half since the announcement. She's continuing through her peri journey, i'm supporting and assisting where i can though we're divorced. My internal situation is trying to figure out how to navigate everything with this "new normal" - our relationship is probably 80% of what people want to have: we get along pretty well, i support her (financially, I pay all the bills except her car and credit card; and emotionally) still, and i do everything i can to make her feel seen and heard. I'm trying to figure out what to do about the sexual aspect...do I accept that i'm basically in a sexless non-marriage, do i seek out a sidechick/external "contractor" (lol)...like what's the protocol here? And how does one go about that? I'm 49...i'm not dead...but i have seen on here a lot of men who have accepted the situation as "sex is done for me".
