u/DruidByNight

I am a very low energy person. I don't get excited. I don't yap. I don't get competitive. I talk in a really boring tone. I'm exhausted all the time. I can't form my words coherently. I struggle to spontaneously conversate. And when I do talk I can barely even break out of my own head enough to actually listen to and engage and have fun in the conversation. I can't think of topics to speak about(I have a special interest in and think about politics constantly but my partner does not want to talk about politics constantly, but I feel like I have nothing else in my head).

I forget conversations, plans, details about my partner, which stories I've told or which ones I've heard. I have constant urges to self isolate. We have the same conversations because I make the same mistakes. And what hurts the most is that I love my partner so much, nothing about this is due to me not loving them or not wanting to be with them. I love them and yet I still have all these fucking problems.

I didn't used to be this bad. In college I could talk to him for hours. What happened to me?

I know that getting a sleep schedule and figuring out meds and exercising can help me with this. I just hate that it's slow. We are working on building a routine where we schedule time and activities together because my stupid fucking brain requires discipline in order to hang out with the person I love. It makes me feel pathetic that I need that. Why is it so hard? I mean I know why, it's the fucking autism, but I don't know why I can't give myself that grace and recognize that instead of beating myself up about not being good enough. I feel like my love should just make me "get over" my symptoms, I know that's not true but I still feel terrible for having those symptoms hurt my partner and myself and our relationship. If I love them, why do I struggle? Wouldn't I just be better? If I **want** to change, why is it still so hard?

Ugh. That's it. I'm working on getting better, and we're doing it together, so that's really all I can do for now. I just wish I could unplug some of the emotions from all this. When I get home I'll remind them how grateful I am for them to be with me and to be putting up with this shit and help me change. I wont give up even though this is hard because I deserve and they deserve the happier, more involved version of myself, even if I have to construct it brick by brick

I am way too forgetful to be an "encyclopedia" for topics, even ones that I am interested in, let alone things I am not that interested in. I'm sure I remember more than I think I do, but it's just weird because I feel like I fail at my own interests because I struggle to remember stuff about them. I enjoy learning about them, like I can happily watch 12 hours of Star Wars lore, but most of it will not cement in my brain and it's not knowledge I could recall if quizzed.