Just had a Waymo pull up with my DoorDash order and I had to grab it out of the trunk myself lol. Kinda surreal seeing where this is all headed in real time. No driver, no tip, no waiting for someone to accept the order.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. We met when I was 19 and he was 22, and we’ve lived together for almost 5 years. For most of our relationship, I assumed we were slowly moving toward marriage because he always talked like I was his person and like we had a future together.
But whenever engagement comes up, he says he doesn’t think we need a piece of paper to prove we love each other. His point is basically that if we both know the relationship is real, marriage shouldn’t matter that much. I understand that idea in theory, but it’s hard because he still talks about future things like kids, buying a house, and growing old together. So it feels like he wants the comfort of a future with me without ever actually making a real decision.
I don’t want a huge wedding. I don’t even care about an expensive ring. I think I just want to feel chosen on purpose.
The hard part is that I already feel like I’m doing a lot of the wife stuff. I do most of the cooking, cleaning, groceries, laundry, bills, appointments, and planning. I remind him about things with his family, I keep track of what we need around the apartment, and I handle most of the boring life admin because he gets overwhelmed by it. He has ADHD, so I’ve tried to be patient, but sometimes I feel more like a caretaker than a partner.
He isn’t cruel. That’s what makes it confusing. He can be sweet, and I do believe he loves me. But I also feel like his love is very passive. He appreciates the life I’ve built around him, but he doesn’t really take much initiative unless I specifically ask. Even then, I usually have to explain exactly what needs to be done.
Last month, one of my best friends got engaged. Her fiancé planned a small picnic proposal with their dog and family nearby. It wasn’t flashy or expensive. It was just thoughtful. I cried when she sent me the pictures, and I felt awful because I wasn’t only crying because I was happy for her. I was crying because I realized I don’t think my boyfriend would ever plan something just to make me feel chosen.
I brought it up to him later, and he got really quiet. He basically said conversations about marriage make him feel like he’s not enough and like I’m disappointed in where he is in life. He’s insecure about his job, his future, and not being as far ahead as some of his friends. I do feel bad for him because I know he struggles with that.
But somehow I ended up comforting him, even though I was the one who brought it up because I was hurt.
After that, we didn’t really talk for the rest of the day. He played games in the living room, and I cleaned the kitchen and folded laundry. It wasn’t a huge fight at all.
I don’t want to pressure someone into marrying me. I just also don’t want to spend more years acting like a wife to someone who still treats choosing me like some impossible life decision.
I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has been in a relationship where someone says they love you and sees a future, but the future never actually becomes real.
leftover carrot cake.