AITAH for not wanting to live with my jobless GF?
Back in March, I had posted here about not wanting to move in with my GF (23F) because she did not have a job at the time and I had a job that required me to work 4 days a week in person, meaning I would need to move out of my parents house because I simply couldn’t sustain my commute to work from there (5-6hrs round trip).
I’ll summarize: my (23F) GF (23F) have been planning on moving out together to NYC for a while. Jobs you can get with our degree (so paranoid she’ll see this so I’m being vague) are concentrated in NYC. I graduated last year and she is graduating this year.
I was initially working 2 days a week in office and 3 days remote. I was commuting to NYC from my parents house, which is a 5-6hr round trip (I would take the train in and then drive close to an hour to get to the train). Fine for 2x a week, certainly not sustainable 4-5x a week. I quit that job and found a “unicorn” opportunity, making 1.5x my old salary. This job was 4x a week in office, so I just had to take it. My old job was paying 50k and my new job pays 75k. I couldn’t afford to move out with my old job.
My brother’s friend (also female) was looking for a roommate and I decided to ask her about it. At this point, it was March and I was trying to commute to the city 4x a week but wasn’t sleeping at all. My meds stopped working because I simply wasn’t sleeping or doing anything other than working and commuting. We ended up finding a really nice apartment in our price range.
At this point, I hadn’t told my GF that I was looking for apartments with this friend. My GF still didn’t have a job yet and I felt like bringing up moving out would stress her out even more. I finally bit the bullet and asked her if it would be ok if I moved out with a friend and we could maybe move out together when my lease finished. She blew up in my face. Rightfully so, I had been planning this with her for a long time, however, my plans had changed and I really couldn’t commute from home anymore. My GF also still didn’t have a job and graduation was slowly approaching. One day, she calls me with this “genius” idea. She’s saying she’s going to get something huge inheritance from her grandfather and then will work multiple waitressing jobs so we can move out. I still had to say no. The money wasn’t in her hands yet and how was I supposed to count on her to get multiple waitressing jobs in this job market? She was really upset. She then started telling me about how her parents would take care of each other when they had bouts of unemployment etc. and asked why we couldn’t do the same. I told her that while I am making 25k more than before, I can’t afford to pay 3.5k+ rent etc. for two people. I also didn’t want to leave my brothers friend in the dust.
Here’s where we stand now- I moved in with my brothers friend. We found an amazing apartment that is huge for NYC. I’m very happy with my 20 min commute.
My GF found a job a week after I signed this lease. She was going to move out with a friend but that fell through. It seems like every apartment/roommate group she’s found has fallen through. She starts work June 1 and time is ticking. I’m not sure if she has bad luck or isn’t doing something right. she’s now trying to get a studio by herself and is taking out a loan to do so. I feel like there are other options but every time I suggest going on Facebook or instagram to look at roommate pages, she says she’s exhausted those. Sure, Jan. This “inheritance” never came either.
Her family isn’t happy with me, either. She told me that her mom said some “comments” that she wouldn’t repeat. Her mom had been nothing but kind to me in the past. I don’t know why she would’ve said this to me. I went to an event with her family a few weeks ago and it was SO awkward. I just knew they were all pissed at me.
I feel like her not being able to find an apartment is all my fault. Either that, or I’m being gaslit every time she calls me crying about the whole situation. I feel like she’s making me feel bad because I caused this. Like yes I did, but I feel like a key part of this story is that NYC is expensive. More expensive than LA and SF at the moment. Not a place to be when you’re “jobless”. I’ve tried telling her that she can stay with me sometimes if she needs to but she doesn’t want to hear it. She can’t move back home because her parents live in Virginia.
She asked me to join her to go see an apartment listing this weekend. She initially said 3:30pm, which worked, because I also had plans with my roommate, but then changed it to 10-7pm. I literally told her I had plans. I feel like I owe it to her to go with her because I “ditched” her.
AITAH for not wanting to move into a very expensive city with my GF?