I am my dad's caretaker and I'm eshausted
I think I'm mostly shouting into the ether about this.
He is dying of stage 4 colon cancer. He's had it for years and was strong enough to mostly take care of himself in the beginning, but now it's a losing battle. He needs to be on oxygen 24/7, but for some reason, he just takes it off for the stupidest things like picking his nose. I have to constantly remind him to put it back on. He barely eats even when badgered and reminded. The food could sit there for hours if left to himself. He doesn't even take his meds on time even when i'm there with him reminding him.
Should i just let him be?
He can't control his bodily functions anymore, and I'm constantly cleaning up one chuck/bed liner and replacing it, only for him to soil it again. I'm sleeping 4 hours or less at a time because I'm afraid if I go to bed and sleep too deeply, I'll miss him calling out, and it'll be my fault.
I cried in front of hr at my job asking for options of fmla or wfh. I kinda regret asking because work was my only escape, but sometimes I didn't even want to be there. The hospice care team kept telling me to take it off and told my dad, "You took care of your kids, and now its time they take care of you." But what about me? I guess that doesn't matter right now.
I think I'm disappearing behind my father's illness. Any time someone checks in, it's always about him. I don't feel like his kid anymore. I feel guilty for being tired of taking care of him or getting mad at him. I know he's dying, but sometimes I can't stand him. There must be something wrong with me to feel this way.
I feel like my life hasn't even started yet. He's been sick since I graduated high school, and I stayed because I felt like it was my duty to stick by him. But I haven't grown. I don't think I got the chance. And when he's gone, I'll be alone. I don't know if people will check in on me after he's gone, other than right after. I don't really tell people how I'm doing because I'm scared of how they'll look at me. Like I'm worthless or flawed. I suppose I'll be okay. I have to be.
If you read this, thanks