I’m done and over it all , I got eplilepsy right before turning 21 and just have been on a downwards spiral since then seeing everyone else doing all the fun shit I can’t do and that’s just the tip of the f*****g iceberg. I don’t want to do this anymore
9 years ago I just started a downwards trend and everyday is like hell. It caused me to never get sleep to the point of me getting epilepsy and most of my freedoms have been stripped away like driving and being able to drink alcohol or smoke weed and on top of that the medication I have to take only makes it worse. It also lowers my sex drive to the point of me not wanting to even talk to women at all. The only thing keeping me going is I don’t want to create grief for my parents and my brother from my death. I’ve tried once and failed but not again. I also feel like no one ever can fucking hear me. No matter what I say or how I say it no one ever fucking listens and I’m getting so sick of it I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear from reality. I wish I was never born.
I’ve lost the girl of my dreams before due to her leaving for college and she didn’t want to stay in a relationship with me. I can’t even fucking cry anymore cause I’ve cried so much. I’m just over all of it and hope I die in a car crash or some shit, I don’t know how else to say it. I can’t fucking land jobs cause of my epilepsy and I don’t have anyone who can relate to me and it all just makes me feel that much more distant from everyone and everything and no one ever asks me if I’m ok cause I can’t tell people no matter how hard I try . I also have no direction in life I don’t know what I want to do
Tw: suicide
I’ve been struggling with the idea of suicide for the last 9 years of my life. I’m 21 and for the last 9 years I have had zero interest in pushing forward. I haven’t talked to anybody about this and the only reason I haven’t done it is just thinking about how it would affect my parents and my brother make me feel shameful and I could never do that to them. I just wish I could curl up into a dark cave and not have them know I even existed so they wouldn’t worry about me. There’s nothing in my life that makes me happy and on top of that, I was diagnosed with epilepsy about a year ago and the medication I have to take only made things worse.
I have no sexual drive, (the meds make this way worse) and I have women who adore me and I don’t care. They are just a waste of my time. I would love to care for a woman but I just literally can’t and that also sucks.
Another thing keeping me pushing are my dogs. If anyone or anything hurt them I would do everything in my power to kill them on the spot because they are the only things I have love for in my life and as fucked up as it is to say I think I love them more than my family because they don’t hold me back from committing suicide.
I feel like I’m never heard when I do try to open up about anything and I am always trying to be the bigger person when someone complains or argues to me about anything but it seems like everyone else just try’s to make stuff about themselves and it’s so annoying so I just take the high road most of the time and agree with them or say their right.
I have some other health issues that I’ve dealt with all my life and it also doesn’t help that the rich people in our country want us to stay down here in the working class as it supports their pockets better.
I don’t know if I can continue to live like this but I keep trying anyways as I don’t want to make my parents sad. My moms the only person in my life I’ve met that genuinely wants good things for people and even she has her moments just like the others
It’s like I’m an Alien secluded to society with all their stupid choices actions and words and I’m so tired of them all just being so stupid and selfish and rude all the time.
Edit: life just loves to make me feel like no one cares . 600+ views and no one responds…