Both of my parents are in a life threatening crisis, and they shift the blame on me because I try to help
I live a few states away from my family. My mother (65) had a botched surgery last year and has been in a physical and mental health spiral ever since. She has several comorbidities and one of the top ones is extreme insomnia, like 3 hours of sleep a night on average.
This has caused her to lose grasp with reality due to psychosis. She refuses to take any medication, doesn't trust doctors. Doesn't have proper nutrition or hydration. Every time I call she is in absolute hysterics without fail, like full on crying fits and panics.
My father is her primary caregiver and he is facing full caregiver collapse. He is now an insomniac too, cries all the time, and I think he is hiding self harm from me. Here's what really bothers me: he reinforces her psychosis. Tells her that she doesn't have to take the medicine if she doesn't want to. Says he doesn't trust her doctors. He is very mentally ill himself and is unfitting as a caregiver. They both have delusions that people are coming to "take them away to the loony bin" or arrest them if they seek help.
I have made a million phone calls to physicians, department of aging, other family members. What ultimately happens is that when my parents are confronted with harsh truths (like "hey you need to escalate care") they refuse, downplay, or just explode in anger.
Well I had one of those anger explosions over the phone recently. Suddenly everything was my fault because I was "making too many phone calls". I told them that if my mother does not take her medication I will have to call her doctor again. They both lost it on me. Told me this is my fault because I'm not there with them. Told me both "leave us alone" and "you're too far away", so basically any situation I'm at fault.
Full disclosure, my father was very physically and emotionally abusive to me growing and this brought me right back to the feeling of being a little scared boy.
At this point I have absolved of the situation. I don't think I will hear my mother's voice again by Christmas and I'm afraid what my dad might will do once she passes. But I can't insert myself in this chaos anymore. No more agencies, no more phone calls.
Shit sucks man.