Am I actually non-binary?
Hello. To explain my situation, I'm quite confused. I'm afab, 18, lived like a girl, I was fine with it. At some age I rejected skirts, thinking it's too feminine for me, but thought it's just a classic teen protest. About a year ago I started wearing them again cause it's kinda cute. I like some traditionally feminine stuff, I like to be in spaces with other women, all my close friends are girls. In general, I'm totally fine with being surrounded by girls and doing "girly" stuff(tho I never imagine myself being a trad wife or something, I'm pretty set on more modern view of family, I want to have a family in the future and work), but lately I've been thinking that I don't exactly feel like a woman myself? I'm not exactly sure. On one hand I lived just fine, I never felt like I hate being a girl(but I hate when people described me as feminine in my mothetongue. Just hate the word for some reason), I want to be included near women and I could imagine my future as one. But right now I'm not so sure??
Barely two weeks ago I felt like it stopped fitting. I started identifying as non-binary and use he/him pronouns. Practically everywhere. At home, with friends. And I liked being called he and masculine words(mister for example?). Since then I'm thinking about it, and I look through some identities under the enby umbrella, but I can't exactly understand what would resonate with me yet. I know I'm not agender, I don't feel like I'm a perfect 50/50 balance either, but I don't know what side I lean on. At one hand I look feminine and present so, but on other hand I like being "him", I like the mental image of being physically a guy. Honestly, I'd want to be able to shapeshift between me like this and guy's body. I like how a woman's body is, it's beautiful, but at the same time I just like imagining being on different side. At this point I don't know what exactly do I want. Through these two weeks I've been called she by my parents, he by friends, I liked hearing he more, but on the other hand there were times I genuinely wanted to switch back to she. I want to be a woman in a way too, but not just a woman. I thought about demigirl but the name just pushes me off? It's not exactly it. Maybe it's not less of a woman, but something else on top?
I started to think maybe I'm genderfluid or bigender, but I'm not sure. I tried looking through experiences of people on Reddit, but most posts were with much more telling signs of people leaning towards the specific gender, and I didn't see something that would be similar to my thoughts, so didn't help much. Or I tried wrong phrases to look for🫠
I remember a moment when I did an eyebrow split, had my hair tied back and looked somewhat more masc for a moment. I liked it, but brushed off quickly. Also when my mom says "but you're a girl", I often respond with "then now I'm a guy", but I thought of it as rejecting some sexist standards. In my family we also can use the opposite gendered words when jokingly insulting someone or just for fun, so it's also a thing I did. I'm also not sure who I'm attracted to. I'm thinking maybe bi? I don't know because I never had a strong crush on anyone, only light ones on both boys and girls, but I'm not sure they're a valid "crushes"
To be honest I've been trying out he pronoun for a few months with my non-binary friend, but after I watched the finale of tadc and post about Jax being a trans woman, I was surprised, because I didn't read the signs, but the thought of someone not being clear to me personally as trans person, actually turning out to be one made me question my own identity more. Like, if it can be not so obvious, can it be a case for me? Am I then valid enough to be not what I'm used to? It's probably silly but soon after that I risked to try out different pronouns.
I'm really lost rn. Also kinda scared that I made everything up and I'm just a girl who's trying to seem different
Either way, I would really appreciate if someone could share similar thoughts on their identity journey or tips on how to test how you feel without drastic changes. I don't want to cut my hair or change my entire wardrobe for now. Thank you for reading this❤️
(I'm sorry if I communicated my thoughts weirdly at any point of the text, I never meant to upset anyone or imply that any identity is better or worse, I'm just trying to find out what do I feel like)