For the first time a have a real crush
I'm a 26-year-old closeted lesbian who has never had a relationship with anyone, man or woman. I've been focused on my career and trying not to feel so bad about my true self, because it's hard for me to come out for different reasons. The thing is, I have eyes and I have seen women that I consider attractive (I've even fantasized about them); however, I hadn't had this feeling about anyone in particular until now. All right, I'm going to explain it better.
I recently graduated as a doctor and started working in a small clinic. While interacting with the staff, there's a nurse who didn't catch my attention at first, but now I can't stop thinking about her. She's 33 years old and she's hilarious. You could say that she is not the most beautiful woman, but to me, she is. The bad thing is, I know she's straight. I was hoping she wasn't, but now I know. However, I have to scold myself because I see hints where there are none. For example, sometimes she teases me, even through messages, and she has gotten close to me on two occasions. I don't know what to do. Once, we were talking and I thought I saw a different look in her eyes. She also gave me some advice: not to say anything too personal to the staff because people like to gossip. But when I ask her about her life, she happily tells me about it. I know maybe I'm misunderstanding everything, but I can't help it. I'm aware she's kind, hilarious, and teases everyone around her, but my naive mind wants to think otherwise.
When I know my shift is getting close, I just feel happy because I will see her again. She doesn't know it, but she makes me happy just by existing.
I wish I had enough money and the courage to ask her out on a date. I don't care if she's straight; at least I would know that I tried.