I think I'm losing the plot
I don't want to do anything anymore, and I don't have a reason. I hate going to uni, my job, and my personal life feels like it's falling to shit. I keep getting upset over the stupidest things that I wouldn't normally, and I just don't want to talk anymore.
It feels like the only thing I feel is sad or angry, but it's not even real anger; it's just sadness disguised as anger. Both my grandpa and my cousin died within a couple of months of each other recently and I can't tell if I care about it or if I'm actually being affected by it in any way.
I've struggled with my mental health throughout my life, but I thought it was getting better. I recently (few weeks ago) relapsed from SH and I just feel so stupid about it and I don't know who I can talk to about it without feeling shitty that I told them. I don't want to upset my boyfriend with it and I don't want to bother my family.
I missed my older sister's uni graduation, which was completely my fault and I don't know what to do to make it better. I've apologised and told her why I missed it but she isn't talking to me. She's the person that basicaally raised me and my younger siblings and I don't want to lose her or for her to hate me but it feels like she should. I'm not there for her like I should be but I don't know how I'm supposed to support her. She told me that it doesn't feel like im there for her for the important things, but this was the first thing that she wanted me to be apart of that I missed and I don't think it's fair that she said that. We see each other once a week at our grandmas house for dinner and apart from that, we don't talk. She doesn't respond to my messages, especially now, and I don't know what to do to rebuild our relationship, but I don't even know if it's worth it anymore.
I just want to curl up into a ball and never move again, but I can't because I have stuff to do, but it's so hard. It's so hard to keep finding reasons to do anything. With it coming into winter, my snake is going into hibernation, and I'm about to lose the only thing that makes getting up every day better.
I just don't understand how I can fall into this again or how I let myself fall back into this. I want to be better. I was better, why didn't being better stick?