Yesterday I wrote something in my notes app explaining how I feel about life and society as a whole. I just wanted to post this here to get some outside opinions on the ideas that I discussed in my notes app. Unfortunately, since I did write this very late at night and also in my notes app, it is not written very professionally so I apologize.

recently i’ve been anti-suicidal??? not like feeling hope or whateva still very sad all the time and depressed but instead of wanting to die it’s been wanting to live more,?? idk how to describe it it’s basically like my life is boring i can’t die like this i need to do everything i want to before it’s too late because something will happen and i will die eventually as all do. and of course after my death i will cease to exist as a whole, so i have to do everything now. that’s the part i really don’t like, the fact that after you die you just don’t. you don’t.  you know? like you aren’t you because “you” isn’t a thing anymore. your conscience your memories your thoughts your ideas your beliefs your interests all of it disappears. this conscience we live through will all end. after you shut your eyes for the last time on your death bed there’s no coming back, and even if you wanted to, it would be impossible. I want to believe in God, in life after death, but I am unsure. How can there be an all loving God when the world is so bad? A few days ago I was really going through it, so I decided to pray, to ask God for a sign that he is real and that he does care and that he does have a plan for our souls. Even though I pray and pray and pray, however, they are never answered. I don’t even know what to think anymore. Of course, I came to understand these notions of death and absolute end from a young age, probably around like 9 or 10, but I was young so I didn’t let these thoughts linger. Now, as I am approaching my senior year of what has been a thoroughly disappointing high school experience, I can’t help but return to these thoughts as frequent as possible. It has been keeping me awake at night trying to make peace with the idea that this is really it.  I will graduate get married work pay taxes start a family and be a slave to society for the rest of my life. 

My real question is why? Why are we here, conscience, breathing, living on a beautiful earth, and choosing to destroy it and ourselves? Why do we fight wars, pollute, steal, and kill each other? Some might say it’s for money and power, but truly, who set that system up? Was it not us who imposed these horrible ideals upon ourselves? And is it not only us who are able to change that fact? If we are aware that after we die, there is no going back, why is it that everyone is trying to make our time on this earth a living hell? There is simply no purpose other than to further one’s own wealth. Wealth, which will not matter once buried and forgotten. 

To conclude this very long entry into my notes app, I would just like to say that even if I myself cannot make the changes that I am striving to see being made in society, the least I can do is make others aware of the issue. I also would like to circle back to the topics I discussed in the first paragraph. I will no longer abstain from pursuing things that I want to do out of fear of being judged or perceived as weird. It is better to live with the regret of doing something than to live with the regret of not doing it at all. And when I die, since you truly never die until your name is no longer spoken, to make sure that I live on at least in name, I will be putting in my will that each of my children and grandchildren will inherit a 7 foot portrait of my likeness and WILL pass those down to their children and grandchildren, etc., so that I am never forgotten.