Figuring this life thing out
Hey y'all!
I'm a 25 y/o woman, extremely independent (way more than I personally want). I have a job that pays 23/hr, no kids, no boyfriend, no "roster" or anyone to keep my mind away from the fact that I'm single. I'm not upset about being single, at times I do get lonely, I'm currently abstinent and do not m@sterb8 (I personally just don't do that anymore).
Long story short I'm having troubles understanding what's going on. I've had 4 failed relationships. 1st 2020-2022, 2nd 2022-2023, 3rd 2023-2024 & 2024-2025.
1st lasted a year and a half, second lasted 3 months, 3rd lasted 4 months & the 4th lasted a year and a half... 1 year if you exclude all the times he broke up with me and got back with me. I never wanted to have that many relationships, I wanted to fall in love for good and build a life long term from the start of each of those relationships. Granted, they all taught me lesson that. have build me to be as strong as I am now.
Each relationship had a common denominator I wanna be transparent and aware of.
They all accused me of:
\- cheating
\- living a "double life"
\- they all also sheltered me indoors for the majority of the relationship.
\- They all treated me like I was their bank, maid, cleaner, honestly anything but a girlfriend.
I want to make it clear that I've never cheated on anyone I've been with let alone secretly flirt with another guy while I was in a relationship. I openly gave them all my phone passwords. My DMs have always been pretty empty and I'm not ashamed to say it. I'm an only child who pretty much genuinely raised herself so I had my own apartments and money.
Each year at the end of the relationship I was left without money, without feeling as whole as I usually do, without the freedom I'm used to having.. I'm also left with a new title.
"Crazy" "Too emotional"
Personally I don't believe myself to be crazy or too emotional. I went to therapy and even she believed that I didn't need therapy and that I'm actually well regulated emotionally. Ironic huh.
This year I decided to stay single for longer. Honestly the longest I've gone without indulging into the world of love.
I guess that's why I'm here actually..
This is not a world of love. It's a world of lust, mischief, betrayal, liars and masks. The true lovers are shielding themselves from this odd world and focusing on themselves the same way I am I'm assuming. I don't want to have to worry about other people getting involved. I don't want the drama. I don't want to have to alter who I am to make my partner happy. I don't want to hide myself because they are insecure.
I want love. I want him to play with my hair in my sleep. I want to make him his coffee the way he likes it with his breakfast hot and ready for him. I want him to open doors for me, tie my shoes for me, sing songs with me as we head to the grocery store. I want to make dinner and snacks for whenever he wants to hang out with his friends or before I go hang out with mine OR for when we are hosting a hangout with our friends and family combined.
That seems to be too much to ask for these days so I'm choosing to be on my own. My old friends teamed up with my exes and created a smear campaign against me and failed not realizing they were working with the enemies. I'm a very deeply empathetic genuine person. I'm also very self aware and to this day have never attempted to "get revenge" on anyone. My "revenge" is literally not doing anything to get back at them and that pisses off a lot of people. Especially the one's who do me wrong.
I understand that most of the time the self sabotage from others to me stems with their fear of me hurting them or doing something behind their back when in reality, I've never plotted anything like that ever.
I can go on for hours but for now I'll keep it simple and stop here. I'm open to hearing any questions and I'll answer to the best of my ability! Open to suggestions, advice or feedback! Thank you so much for your time and thank you for tuning in to my first Reddit post 😃!