How can I (20/F) navigate conclusively breaking up with my off and on partner (21/M) while maintaining a friendship?
Hi Reddit. Before anything, I’d like to state that I have already ended things. I struggle with *keeping* things ended, which is why I’m here.
I, 20/F have been in an unsteady relationship with a guy, 21/M for about 2 years.
We go to college together, are in the same close-knit major, and are in the same small friend groups together. A little under 2 years ago, when I had just got out of a 3 year relationship, he asked me on a date. It took me about 3 weeks to accept his feelings and date him. About two months in, I started to get cold feet, going back and forth on whether or not I wanted to date this person. We broke up, got back together a month later, and stayed together for another 6 months.
In my second year of college we went through this scenario like 3 more times. I would get cold feet and lose feelings, ending things, while he’d accept but still very clearly have a thing for me. A big component of why I felt the need to end things was because I felt like I’ve been pursuing stuff in my life while he’s almost complacent in his. I do all the driving, I have worked multiple jobs, and I’ve taken initiative in my independence. I don’t want to say he’s not trying, because he clearly is, but it feels like no matter how much he says things will get better, it’s always the same. This feeling of having to push my partner to work on themself was the exact reason I had to end my first long term relationship.
I’ve tried going on dates with other people in the interim between our relationship, to get myself fully away from him, but I just always have this feeling of guilt like I’m doing something wrong. He’d still text me, ask me about what I’m up to and who I’m seeing, and I’d do the same for him. On those dates I’d always find myself anxiously checking my phone for his texts, worrying about his feelings and feeling like the scum of the earth for trying to move on. Since we’re in such close proximity all the time, it’s extremely difficult to sever ties and take time to move on.
I don’t want to put the blame on him though. I am insanely unsure of my feelings half the time. We’ll be together for months and then I’ll just feel unhappy and break up, but then be anxious and codependent when he suddenly isn’t a major component of my life anymore.
Today my feelings got to a boiling point again. He was upset that I had been distant and texted me this morning, and I just let all my feelings out, asking if he felt like we could even work long term.
I feel like we’re both living in this state of limbo in our relationship where we both know it shouldn’t continue but we just can’t separate ourselves from each other fully. My roommate told me earlier this year “you can’t hold yourself accountable and he doesn’t have the self respect to cut things off,” or something like that.
What can I do to end this romantic relationship without ruining our friendship? How can I even navigate school life if we end up not being friends? Would love some help on this. :,)