I (27F) don’t know if I can forgive my boyfriend (34M) after years of emotional abuse, even though he says he’s changed. Can relationships recover from this?
I feel like you can probably read my post history and track the trajectory of this relationship lol.
Me (27F) and my boyfriend (34M) have been together for almost 5 years now and we have a 3 year old son. It’s been a very difficult relationship for a long time, although I think for years I minimised a lot of it because there were always explanations, excuses, stress, trauma, ADHD, work pressure etc.
About a year into our relationship we moved to a fairly rural town away from my family and friends. At the time I thought it was exciting and an adventute, but looking back I think that isolation changed things a lot. I became very dependent on him emotionally and financially and I slowly stopped having as much contact with people around me because it would upset him if I spoke too openly about our relationship. He used to say he didn’t want me gossiping about him to my cousins or friends and that the way women told their friend everything that happened in their relationships was gross. It also didn't help that my friends were always very tuned into when things felt off or if they noticed his behaviours.
Things got a lot worse when I got pregnant. During the pregnancy he was physically very present and supportive in some ways, but there were also moments that honestly still make me feel sick when I think about them. One time when I was around 7 months pregnant we were driving to dinner and he drove dangerously on purpose while angry with me because his mum was dropping me off at the house and we were 10 minutes late because she wanted to go to the shops. I remember being terrified in the passenger seat with my hands over my stomach, I didn't know what to doo or say because I'd never seen anyone let alone him behave like this. He was speedign and calling his mum the C-word for being selfish. Then when we actually got to dinner he was annoyed with me because I was quiet and withdrawn and said I didn’t understand his trauma and was punishing him by not talking normally.
After our son was born things really spiralled. I hadn’t been at my job long enough to qualify for maternity pay, so he financially supported us during that first year and I genuinely will always appreciate that sacrifice. He worked really hard to keep us afloat. But at the same time that period is also where the emotional abuse really started.
I was at home all day alone with a newborn and a siberian husky, exclusively breastfeeding, barely sleeping... barely functioning honestly. He’d come home from work and if the house wasn’t clean or dinner wasn’t ready he’d be irritated immediately. If I was sitting down, lying down or still in pyjamas he’d call me lazy. I actually started tracking his location so I’d know when he was close to home because I’d panic and make sure I looked “busy” before he walked through the door. The crazy thing is he always told his family that I was amazing and was doing so well so honestly confused about the disconnect...
One moment that has stuck with me was when our baby was around 3MO and woke up crying while I was brushing my teeth. I think it was the first time in about 3 days that I’d properly brushed them because I was struggling so much. He shouted at me and called me selfish for “ignoring” the baby. I told him off for not helping or stepping in and in response he told me I was a bad mum, that I wasn’t stable or safe, and threatened to take my child away from me and kick me out of the house. There were so many incidents where he’d threaten abandonment during arguments too. If we argued in the car he’d threaten to leave me somewhere or kick me out in the middle of nowhere. Even now thinking about it makes me feel anxious. He knew I couldn't drive and that I didn't have any friend or family close by.
Financially things were always very unequal in ways that I didn’t fully process at the time. Even when he was earning around 3x more than me (before baby), he still expected me to contribute equally to rent and bills because he wanted things to be “fair”.
When our son was around 9 months old we moved in with his parents temporarily, and honestly that was when I started seeing the bigger picture. I watched him verbally abuse and berate his mum constantly. He would snap at me in front of his parents and in front of our son and it was humiliating. I remember feeling so embarrassed and small all the time. Ialso love his parents so this hit extra hard. They are the loveliest people and helped me with our son so much, they still do.
His family (distant) have also said racially insensetive things to me over the years which he consistently downplays or minimises. Whenever I’ve tried to explain why something upset me he says I’m “too sensitive” or culturally misunderstanding them. He’s also said insensitive things himself and if I challenge him on it (think "black people give too much power to the n-word" "I'd never say it but it is literally just a word, who cares?"), somehow the conversation becomes about how I'm too woke and unfair I’m being to him. I'm exhausted an honestly I think the fact this I've accepted some of this speaks to my self esteem at the time.
There were issues physically too after having our son that I still feel ashamed talking about. He made me feel deeply self-conscious about my post-baby body even though I was never skinny before we met. He pressured me into having sex before I was ready again by saying he “deserved a partner” who was fit, attractive and wanted sex. I remember feeling uncomfortable the entire time but just going along with it because I didn’t want another argument or to be made to feel like I was failing him again.
A huge theme throughout our relationship has been him blaming his ADHD (self diagnosed), rejection sensitivity and trauma for his behaviour. He says I lack compassion and accountability and that the way I react “makes him behave this way.” Conversations about his abuse end up becoming conversations about how I’ve failed him emotionally.
The confusing part is that he now fully admits he has been abusive. He cries, apologises, says he’s ashamed, says he’s trying to change. We now own a home together and he tells me it’s cruel and unfair that I can’t just forgive him and move on when he’s trying. And Im not sure I disagree. It is cruel of me. He tells me that his love language is physical touch and my distance make him deeply lonely and causes him to react how he does.
I’ve gone back to work and I feel like I’ve slowly regained my confidence and perspective. I know I’m a good mum. I've reconnected with old firends, I'm working out and just generally finding myself again. I know I try my absolute best to create a calm and loving environment for my son. But I also feel devastated knowing that no matter how hard I try, I cannot control how his father reacts in front of him.
I think that’s the part I’m struggling with most now. Not even whether I love him, because I do. It’s whether I can actually rebuild respect and safety after all of this. And whether remorse changes the damage once someone has repeatedly shown you they’re capable of hurting you. I am tired an I guess I cant help but notice how much lighter I feel when we are not together? I love being at work, not only because I love my job (which I do), but actually because I know that I'm not managing another adults feelings and reactions. I don't know what the point of this whole rant is i guess now that I've come to the end. Is there a way forward? I want my son to grow up with both parents but I also want to be happy? And we bought a fucking house. Why did we buy a fucking house?
TLDR:
I (27F) have been with my boyfriend (34M) for almost 5 years and we have a 3 year old son together. Over time the relationship became really emotionally unhealthy and honestly abusive in a lot of ways. Since having our son I completely lost myself for a while, but over the last 6 months I’ve started getting my confidence back through work, reconnecting with friends, getting fit and just ignoring my boyfriend’s attempts to cause arguments. He now admits he’s been abusive, apologises and says he’s trying to change, but I still don’t feel safe or relaxed around him and I’ve realised how much lighter I feel when we’re apart. I love him and want my son to grow up with both parents but I genuinely don’t know if our relationship can recover after all of this.