I have a double standard and I need help working through it
I know I have a double standard and I need help working through it
I’m in an open relationship with my partner of almost two years (I’m 24 he’s 29). We have been open for about a year. It’s my first one. Some background on our relationship is that we have been moving through a dynamic of push and pull, where I have needs or wants like more time together or more intimacy and he is unable to meet them because of his depression or sometimes his social battery. I am a very very high energy, social person, and he is a more introverted person who in the winter has had strong depressive episodes and in parts of our relationship it has been really hard to navigate these differences but we have worked through a lot of the communication and expectations stuff and we both feel really good about how it’s pushed us both to grow.
I started seeing other people about 4 months ago, just one person at first for a month then broke it off and im going to meet another man this weekend to hang out with and then go back to have my usual sleepover with my partner afterwards. For context he’s had like 4/5 purely hookups each with a different person. We had a conversation about it a couple days ago and he said he’s comfortable with that now although in the past he might not have been. But he named the fact that I have a double standard in our openness… that things I do I would not feel comfortable with him doing- like meeting up with someone and then seeing each other right after.
The fact is that it’s true. And I believe in this came up I would fully let him do his thing but it would very difficult. The reason in my head being that no matter what I will always have the energy to come to my time with him the same as if I had seen someone before or not- with still lots of sexual and social energy- and I really don’t think the same would be for him. It’s hard to grapple with the idea of him seeing other people when there’s been times in our relationship where he is So, so unavailable. It’s not his fault but it’s still hard to hold. I know I have really high needs and I have a large and strong knit community to meet these needs besides him, and I still hold embarrassment or insecurity that I’m too much for him(a lot of this is my own shit I’ll say) so it feels hard to know he still wants to go have sex with other people or meet new people when I feel that way. I guess what I’m trying to navigate is both the truth that I chose this path with him with the acknowledgment that I would and want to grow in huge ways which will be deeply uncomfortable, and the reality that there are unmet needs in our relationship, perhaps not very strongly right in this moment but definetly in the colder darker months like this past winter. I’m trying to discern what is my shit to get over and what is something I need to navigate with him. I really really don’t want to be that guy with double standards but I also want to make sure I’m not just blaming this all on myself if there’s something to work out between the two of us. I just need advice and opinions. There’s probably a lot I’m not mentioning here because it’s hard to write it all out and I could clarify on these if there’s specific questions. I have friends I’m getting advice from about it but they aren’t poly so I figured I’d ask here.