Goodbye
Goodbye ex boyfriend. I really didn't think this would happen to us. I wanted us to work, I really did. I still love you, of course I do but I can't keep letting you break my heart so I have to let you go.
I tried to tell you how I felt, how you were hurting me and how to fix it but you didn't listen or try hard enough. Honestly it felt more like you hated me towards the end. You would ignore my messages for hours, you made me feel like an inconvenience, a chore, a task on your to do list. Your effort seemed to become less and less, yes you tried a little harder with flowers which was nice but it felt like you didn't really want to give me flowers to make me feel loved and happy, more like it'd keep me off your back.
For our anniversary you didn't even get me a card. I spent months pouring my heart and soul into making a scrapbook for you, while you didn't know what I was making, you knew how long I'd spent working on something special for you. You chose not to get me a gift prior because we weren't on good terms, according to you it would've been heartbreaking to give someone an anniversary gift to celebrate the anniversary if you're not even together. I was still finishing yours and giving it to you regardless and I told you this. In my opinion you chose not to get me a gift incase we broke up was to save yourself from potentially ‘wasting a few quid' that really fucking hurts. Then on the plane you show me a photo of a diamond bracelet and tell me that's what you was going to get for me but it's too big and you're waiting to hear if a smaller one is available. I still haven't heard anything from you regarding the bracelet even now.
You didn't try to make up for your lack of effort by getting me any kind of anniversary gift while we were in Rome, the most romantic city in the world. I can't even say you took me to Rome as an anniversary gift because I paid for myself and the trip was my idea. I wanted a massive rose a guy was selling in the bat and you refused to get me one because it was a waste and it's not like I could take it home. Something like that would've made me feel so loved and special, who cares if it wouldn't have lasted long, the memory of that moment would've lasted forever.
You did take yourself to my local shop on your way over to my house before we flew and got me flowers, prosecco and chocolates, that was sweet but it was a last minute dash that didn't require much thought and effort. Thinking about it, I don't think you gifted me anything in Rome. The fridge magnet I had already picked up so you can't take credit for that one. You did get me a bluetooth water bottle when we got back but you wanted 2 out of the 3 filters back that came with it, so it wasn't even a full gift.
Lets not forget the snappiness and arguments in Rome. Now I understand we were both hot, tired and stressed but the difference is, I always apologized and you never did. You even called me dizzy after I told you insulting my intelligence is a trauma trigger for me. Instead of apologising, you changed the meaning of the word, then when I called it out, you blamed it on being drunk. You never took accountability and apologized, do you hate me that much? If you had done the right thing in that moment, owned your shit and apologized, I would've felt so safe and emotionally held, but you didn't for some reason.
In another dispute you said you're not going to come on holiday with me again to try and force me into compliance. Like going on holiday with you and having your company and presence is a luxury I will only have if I behave in a way that suits you. Why would I want to go on holiday again with someone that made me feel like shit, snapped at me often, insulted me and never even apologized? Someone who made my experience very stressful?
Now I am going to talk about your lack of being emotionally present for me. The first time was the unplanned pregnancy. I know it hurt you but I had to go through it physically not just emotionally. My body still hasn't recovered 6 months later. I really needed you to be there for me while I was waiting for the hospital appointment. You wasn't there, you left me alone and I had to lean on my friends and family for emotional support because you didn't care.
It felt like you were punishing me and making me suffer for the decision I made and for getting upset when you accidentally let your stepbrother overhear you confiding in a friend. I was scared and upset that he would tell your family and they'd hate me before they even met me for my decision. Instead of comforting and reassuring me, you punished me by withholding your affection and presence. You was going to come and see me until I told you I was upset by your actions via voice note whilst crying and you chose to leave me on my own for what I said. The next day, you didn't apologize, you just blamed it on being drunk.
Then when I actually had the procedure at the hospital, you were adamant you wanted to be there. I did like that you wanted to be there and I felt a little reassured. I wanted to tell you no because I didn't feel like you'd be emotionally present. I put your feelings before my own and I let you be the one holding my hand because you was going through that pain too. I was right, you were there but you were on your phone. I felt so alone. I felt so alone that I slept as much as I could. I still cry about it to this day. I am crying about it now. I had hope that you just disengaged because it hurt you too much and you'd be there for me more in the future but you weren't. For my surgery yes, but only that.
I was always scared regarding my ex breaching his restraining order less than 8 weeks after being released from prison for trying to kill me and potentially finding out my new address. I couldn't sleep or stop crying. We were in no contact but I wanted to turn to you because I thought you'd want to make me feel safe and reassured. When I sent you that text, I thought you would've been angry with me for texting you instead of calling. I thought you'd ask me if I wanted to talk about it or for you to come over but you didn't. You just decided to tell me about your new house and had to reassure yourself that I wouldn't entertain anything with my ex. I don't understand how you could be so cold to me and insensitive. If you called me or came over, I would've felt so safe in your arms and reassured but the thought never even seemed to cross your mind. I’ll never understand that. You didn't even ask if I was okay.
Then I tell you about the statement I will be making to the police and to let me know if you want an update and you said you did.
Then the next day on a Tuesday afternoon I text you and ask you if you want to discuss our relationship over the phone and you didn't even open it for days. I was so devastated that I had to turn my active status off, mute your stories and block you and your dad from being able to see mine because I felt like I was being watched and it made me feel uncomfortable. I came off the messenger platform for a few days. So I go complete ghost, you haven't heard from me or seen anything crown me for days, I could literally be dead and given my history with my ex it could've been a high possibility. I never update you on Friday after spelling to the police. You never checked in, you sent me a text I haven't opened in a day and a half. What the hell is wrong with you? Why didn't you check if I am okay? If I am still alive?
Lastly, I want to talk to you about your shady behavior. While you may not have physically cheated on me, you have micro cheated on me. One day my intuition told me to check who you follow on Instagram, so I did. I found only fans girls, some accounts were made after we were official. One was made 10 days after my surgery! Why are you doing that? Why do you think that's acceptable behavior? Then I randomly discovered that you have snapchat plus. Your Snapchat profile pic is a topless selfie! Not long ago you were posting topless selfies on your story, I told you I find that behavior disrespectful and you didn't post them again to my knowledge but you still have one as your profile pic. If you don't really speak to anyone on there other than a few friends, why are you paying for Snapchat plus? Why do you have a topless selfie as your profile pic? It feels like you're advertising yourself as a single man on the shadiest app of all time.
Then there is the fact that you have never posted me on your social media. You posted me on your Snapchat story a couple times in the beginning but other than that, nothing. You haven't even changed your relationship status to, in a relationship, you didn't even have to tag me. All the posts I've tagged you in don't even appear on your timeline. It looks like you want to keep me hidden and for the digital world to think you're single. So you never even fully committed to me. That is low and disgusting and I deserve so much better.
So I am saying goodbye and I am letting you go. You treated me like shit while I gave you the world, even just giving me 10% back would've been enough but you couldn't even do that. I hope you learn from this and you treat the next girl right. I have learnt from this and I know my next man will worship the ground I walk on and treat me like a queen because I won't settle for any less.