u/Due-Lingonberry-5541

I was speaking to a guy seriously for marriage for a few months and we both became quite emotionally invested. We had a good connection overall and he always treated me kindly and said he loved me, but I do struggle with overthinking/anxiety in relationships which created pressure and tension at times as he has ADHD and a busy life so he didn’t always have time for me/replied late. There was also an incident involving Instagram that affected trust as I assumed something which I shouldn’t have of him and after that he started questioning whether the relationship was sustainable long term.

Last week he said he had spent the whole week thinking and that deep down if he gave it another chance he’d feel like he was wasting time because he didn’t think things would work. He said since we started talking he felt like he kept letting me down because I got upset with him a lot (he didn’t blame me just to clarify - he said me getting upset was understandable) and he said he felt we both may be happier with someone else. Him with someone who brushes things off more and me with someone who doesn’t let me down as much. He said he doesn’t want to go into a marriage where he’d feel guilty all the time and he’ll end up resenting me so we won’t work in the long term. He said he was done and thought it was best to stop speaking, but at the same time he was still caring about it and said he wouldn’t mind saying goodbye on call but other than that he doesn’t feel it’s worth us calling as we want different things (I said I wanted to try and make it work). He reassured me a lot on the goodbye call, and when I asked about the future and if I had space to grow whether he thinks we’d ever reconnect, he said he “couldn’t say yes or no.”

After 5 days of no contact I ended up messaging him again. The reason I did it is because I didn’t want to spend months living in false hope if he already fully knew he never wanted to revisit things. In the message I told him I’d reflected a lot on the relationship dynamic and realised I need to build my own life more so my whole emotional world doesn’t revolve around one person. I also told him I’ve already contacted a counselling service to start sessions for my overthinking and I’m starting PT sessions too because I genuinely want to improve myself regardless so I reduce my overthinking.

I then asked him honestly whether, taking those steps into account, he sees any possibility of reconnecting in a month or two after space and growth, or whether I should move on completely. I made it clear I wasn’t trying to pressure him and that I just didn’t want to waste time holding onto hope if he already knew the answer.

Do you think it was the wrong decision to send that message only 5 days later? And from a guy’s perspective, would a message like that make you appreciate/value the person more, or would it just feel emotionally overwhelming after already deciding to end things?

Salam I had been speaking to someone since February. Everything started so well, banter and everything. He was honest from the start and said he would be busy with work alot even when we got married as he has big dreams etc I thought okay it’s fine as I like him and he’s hard working. He is also still at uni and initially I preferrred not to work after marriage but I knew in this situation I’d probably have to work part time to help out eventhough there was no pressure from his side but if someone’s going to uni part time naturally it would make sense for both to work to be able to get by.

Anyway like I said everything was fine and then we agreed to meet, the day before he messaged saying sorry to let me down but he’s sorry and he’ll send me money for my train ticket as it’s his fault but his boss has said he has to go into work for a important client. I was naturally upset but I thought I handled it okay and the app let me cancel with just a £5 admin fee so I told him it’s fine. In this time there were issues here and there as he also has ADHD so he had late replies and I overthink so I would worry something is wrong and he didn’t want me when he replied late. I admit I overthink a lot so I’m not trying to blame him.

Anyway we met the next time we arranged it and it went really well we both travelled to a quiet place he would’ve travelled to me but I didn’t want him to as I live in a small area and didn’t want anyone to know so we met up in a city not too far. Spent about 5 hours together and like I said it was really nice and I felt at peace. Everything was fine after that we both said how we were happy but replies slowed again, nothing was wrong but my overthinking brain got upset at times due to the late replies.

Anyway the other day it was few days before my period where I feel emotional anyway and we agreed to call at a specific time. He said he would go to his sports thing and then call me after so I waited for his call and then an hour later he messaged saying he’s really sorry but he lost track of time I said it’s okay I just need some space. And then an hour later I said I’m sorry for being abit annoyed it’s not ur fault it’s ur adhd that made u lose track of time I know u even biked it to the sport place so that u would be able to call me at the time we agreed rather than walking it but it’s okay. He then said I didn’t overthink and it’s fine and he said talk soon he’s with someone I then sent messages later on and a voice note saying I’m sorry I can be abit much at times I’m near my period at the moment he read it but didn’t reply. I think he does genuinely forget to reply at times due to his adhd. Anyway the next morning I saw still no message after I woke up and I messaged saying I felt quite upset than I was open about how I feel and u didn’t reply and I was at work for the morning so left it there I then saw he read that message and at like 11am I said are u annoyed at me I’m so confused why are u not replying he then said if im honest I couldn’t be asked and put it off until later and he said it’s just a series of him upsetting me and apologising so if it’s like this before marriage he doesn’t know and he said let’s call later I then messaged back saying I don’t wanna lose this and can u call we called and then he was really nice and said it’s not my fault because his actions make me overthink and we do love each other but he just keep upsetting me I said it’s my fault too as I revolved my life around him and don’t have hobbies for myself so if I start the gym and get some hobbies I won’t overthink as much and I said when we met in person we were fine I then asked him if he wanted to end things and that’s why he wanted to talk he said no he wanted to try first and see if we could make it work, anyway i messaged him telling him I’ve joined the gym and something else and said hope he has a good day he said he hopes I enjoy it and thank you then didn’t message again for the rest of the day I said goodnight before I went to sleep I saw he read it but didn’t respond now I think it’s important to point out because we had a convo about him not being sure about us on the phone I was on high alert so my anxiety was quite high I was worried I was losing him anyway I felt awake at 3am ish and I don’t know why I did this but I checked his insta to see if he’d been active on it and just ignoring me I saw he followed some females and I broke down I sent him a paragraph saying look what he’s done to me and this isn’t his adhd etc this is how much he’s hurt me and I sent a video of myself crying I said I’m walking away and goodbye I genuinely thought he didn’t want me anymore anyway he woke up in the morning and showed me evidence that there was a reason he followed them and I got screenshots I don’t wanna go into detail but to sum it up he hadn’t followed them to get with them or anything like that it was to sort something out and he sent a lot of proof. He said he’s done with me and he can’t be as*ed with this anymore as I jump to conclusions and could’ve asked he also said he trusts me and he would never assume something like that of me. I said I’m so sorry and apologised many times.

I then said I’ll give u a few days space he then sent a long paragraph that afternoon saying he’s never connected with anyone as well as he has with me, he loves me but in the long run this isn’t a marriage that would work as he suppresses his feelings alot and he’s happy I feel safe to tell him my feelings but he always feels like he’s letting me down and he grew up feeling like that he doesn’t want to go into a marriage feeling guilty all the time and he thought there was a level of trust between us he also said it really hurt him that I not only assumed about the girls but also the fact I felt the need to look at his account etc he said in the long run he thinks I’d be happier with someone who doesn’t let me down and he’d be happier with someone who brushes things off alot more. He said he loves me but his love isn’t enough and he said if he was to give it another chance he’d be lying and wasting time as his minds made up. I said I’m so sorry I don’t wanna lose him can be give it another chance because it’s raw right now the instagram thing and in a few days he might think different, I’ll change and overthink less etc as I know my overthinking is too much he said he doesn’t think he’ll ever fully move on and he cried for the first time in a while but we won’t work and he’ll resent me and he said he can give it a few days but he won’t change his mind, of course I said it’s okay we can work it out and please we just need space anyway he said can u call right now I said yes and then we called and I said I’m so sorry he said he doesn’t think he’ll ever get over the instagram thing and he doesn’t understand why I did it etc I apologised many times and said I only see a future with u no one else I said pls just think about it I said is there no chance you’ll change ur mind he said I don’t think so so I said okay that means there’s a chance so I’ll speak to u in a few days I love u he said I love u too speak soon and we agreed to speak on Saturday

Anyway he didn’t answer on Saturday and I sent a few messages over the last few days saying I don’t wanna start again with anyone else I have had space to think what we have is special I want to change and I think we can work through it, today he messaged saying he’s been thinking all week and he’s done. He said he doesn’t think we should call about the situation because talking will prolong it and we don’t want the same thing but he said we can say goodbye on call if I would like he also said he wishes me the best and he’ll always be there for me as a friend I messaged back saying I accept his decision but would like a goodbye call. Anyway I had wrote a letter to read to him during the last few days incase it was goodbye and I wanted to say everything on my mind not to convince but to say goodbye. I read around half of it and started crying and he consoled me and said I’m amazing and I’m a catch and I’ll meet someone else and I also said how I wished it was him and he said he knew he was done if he gave it another chance it would be dragging things on and wasting time. I said to him if I work on myself and we reconnect then would he be open to that he said he can’t say yes or no he’s not sure. Anyway he was nice throughout the call reassured me and said he wouldn’t want me to feel like I have to change for him and he said alot of women are like me. We wished each other well and I said how I wouldn’t bombard him with messages going forward as he thought about it twice for me and I’m gonna leave him alone now. I said take care and I love u again and he said he loves me too and we ended the call. I also said I wouldn’t be staying in contact because u can’t stay in contact with someone u love just as friends, not that I have male friends anyway. I also told him that I know he feels like he lets people down and he has done all his life but he does a lot for his parents and eventhough they don’t say I know they’re proud of him. I think he’s a good guy eventhough it’s ended. So yeah that’s the story can anyone tell me if they feel like it will work in the future if I stop overthinking or shall I cut my losses and move on. For context he’s nearly 22 im nearly 24 just feel numb right now