I’ve been carrying something for 8 years and it’s finally catching up to me
I have something I need to get off my chest. It’s long, but I need to put it somewhere outside my own head.
A little background: I started watching pornography when I was around 10–11. I’m almost 40 now. Like a lot of people, it escalated over the years into more extreme categories. I won’t name anything here so I don’t trigger anyone, but you can probably guess the general direction.
When I was 18, I also started smoking weed. Being high and watching porn became a daily cycle for me — and it stayed that way for 20 years. I quit weed on March 2, 2024. The recovery from that alone is a whole separate post, but I think it’s connected to why something from my past has suddenly resurfaced.
In May 2018, I was at a bachelor party in Miami. I was deep in addiction, drunk, and ended up meeting with a trans escort — something I had fantasized about but never acted on. It bothered me for a month or two afterward, but then I went back to my old habits and eventually stopped thinking about it.
But after quitting weed, my mind cleared in ways I didn’t expect. I started seeing just how deep into addiction I had been. And then in September 2024 — out of nowhere — that memory from 2018 hit me hard. Since then, I’ve been ruminating on it constantly. It’s been eight years, but it feels fresh again.
Some days I lean toward acceptance. Other days the regret and anxiety take over. I just want to be present for my wife and kids and stop feeling haunted by something that happened once, long ago, during a period of addiction and poor judgment.
I know people experiment. I know porn escalation can push boundaries. I know my sexual orientation — I’m straight, and I’m not confused about that. What bothers me isn’t who it was with, but the fact that I actually went through with something that doesn’t align with who I want to be.
I want to accept it, learn from it, and move on. I’m tired of carrying it.
Thanks for reading. I just needed to put this out there.