Work Environment vs Private Environment
Hello everyone, I would really appreciate some of your feedback on my case!
So, I work at an italian restaurant, and a year ago a new colleague got hired. I am 30 and he is 52.
From the very first second with him, I felt something. The days passed and we got along super well, and the vibe was very playful and sexually teasing, nice humor from both of us, and the chemistry seemed rare, at least on my behalf. I got a lot of attention from him and he genuinely seemed intrigued by me. Inevitably, I grew feelings, which I never openly shared because we're both men and he claims straight, even though I'm not entirely sure about that!
Speaking of, he went intense with gay jokes on me, fixated on my sexuality for months, kept touching me in private parts, was curious about my preferences. He also admitted he has experimented with men in the past. I also know he has a lot of gay friends.
Some months later I felt his energy towards me as off. Less attention, less interactions. Instead I received more agression, avoidance and a sense of stiffness in the way we interacted. He became mean to me, villainized me and created conflict out of nothing. At this point he also spent more time with other colleagues instead. Yet of course there were still plenty of fun moments and some attention, not as much as previously though.
As an empath myself, I was always aware of this sudden change of treatment. One side of me was being understanding, gave him space and tried to pretend casual, despite being left confused and emotionally challenged. Another side of me matched his energy, fired back at him each time he attempted to kinda mess with me. Having been apparently emotionally and semi-romantically attached to him, mainly because of his mixed signals and push-pull attitude, I tried to evoke some reactions in him; so that I see if he actually cares anymore.
Often times I would stop talking to him, ignore him back, act busy with work, be mean to him at times as well. He basically always reacted quick, he always sensed my energy shifts. Let alone once, when I stopped talking to him and didn't even greet him, he immediately reached out to me asking why. We always hugged our conflicts out, because even if unspoken, we both knew we actually really like each other.
I started wondering, and not really being sure about his more distant behavior when I actually knew that he likes me. We had such amazing moments before, I don't really know what I triggered in him honestly. However, I was still trying, knowing that it should all mean something to him as well. I could feel it.
Suddenly one day he texted me on our day off and invited me for drinks. For sure, I went immediately. It was all different. We had such a great time together, he gave me cigarettes, he bought me drinks and he was being attentive and genuinely having a lot of fun. Afterwards, we had a deep conversation, and he basically implied that I am his favorite person at work, the only one he feels connected with. That of course proved my intuition correct, I knew it even if he never told me. My dopamine boost was instant, finally my favorite person admitted it.
For the rest of couple of days we had a similar moment after work when he asked me to stay and hang out with him. Once again, amazing time, unreal chemistry, and him bying cigarettes and drinks for me. I felt happy, after all the emotional drainage, he finally leaned into our special dynamic.
However after that short period of unexpected proximity and him initiating private moments, he shortly after felt off to me again. But this time, even more. We would still hug tightly and greet each other, but later through the shifts, he became rather distant, he wouldn't talk to me as much, spent all his time with other colleauges, and seemed to be very casual and fun with everyone. Every time we had a conversation, that was all about roasting each other, and I never knew why everyone got his light and casual side, and I was left with his awkward, tense, and stiff side. Everytime we would talk, I felt like he wasn't acting natural. Always something mean to say to me, and pretend it's just jokes.
I started questioning the whole thing, and I started being more aware of his patterns. Each time we were having a private conversation and someone third popped up, he immedialy turned his attention to that person. Each time I approached him, he was dismissive, cold, and in search of an exit to the nearest person. In a group setting he would not even look at me, or give me any attention. Talking to everyone but me. Being agressive with me and nice to everyone else.
I was left confused. How can someone basically see you as his favorite person at work, and then act like the exact opposite? In the long term I felt overall more hurt than healed. I was treated like an option, any I feel like my presence was not appreciated. He made me feel invisible, the last person he considers or wants to talk to in the room. Again asking why, how can you aknowledge the mutual connection and treat me in such an off-putting, alienating and avoidant manner.
Yet again, often times I caught him staring at me from afar. Multiple times, i knew my presence still mattered and triggered something in him. His energy was entirely off, but the way he looked at me, I saw vulnerability in his eyes. It feels like he entirely pushed me back, but still craved for access in me. Even with all that agressive demeanour, I still felt like there was definitely something between us. I felt rejected by him, but still observed by him. I know he was happy to see me, even if he acted indifferent.
Again as an empath I spent a massive amount of time and energy trying to figure it all out. Approach after approach. I would try to understand why he has singled me out amongst the rest. Each time we interacted, all the patterns were there, all predictable by then.
One day my nervous stystem said enough, and I realized that this is not doing me any well. It was a matter of emotional survival, I had to cut all ties and never speak to him again. I couldn't humiliate myself any more. I felt pushed back and humiliated. I also lost all hope of him clearing the air up, based on how much time this energy switch has been going for.
It's been now a week that we never talk to each other at work. He obviously sensed my silence immediately. I try my best to act and look unbothered, but it really hurts me and eats me alive. I truly miss him, I can't believe how much he sabotaged our dynamic and potential. The thing that hurts me the most is the fact the has also gone completely silent, acts unbothered, seems casual, and there I am left wondering if it even matters to him.
One side me tends to normalize this chance, but the more emotional side of me truly hopes he comes to me and talk to me, ask what has happened. I am pretty sure that I can't ever get back to him, I am tired and hurt. Yet I still want closure and a proper explanation.
Would anyone be able recognize something out of this? He is a man I'm truly attached to, yet I don't know if he's in love with me, curious about me, a friend of mine, or if he actually just played with me and used me for personal reasons.