im just curious because like no mentally well person would scratch themselves right , but no acctually mentally unwell person would do it as shallow as I do. am I like larping self harm? how do u know what you feel and how do you know it's real and your not dramatic? how do I become normal?
I'm aware that something is wrong but I don't know if it's bad enough to get help for. if it isn't I don't really want to waste resources.
so to put it simply I have no passion in life. I know I'm floating through life. school makes me busy and I don't have the time nor energy to do thing I enjoy. sometime I put off things I do enjoy bcus I just want to do nothing and sleep. I think about not being born every single day, because I wouldn't do anything meaningful with my life, like I'm just a waste.
I don't know why I try so hard in school its not like I have any particular dreams in life. I guess being smart is the only trait that's kinda in my control.
I also hate myself. I hate the way I look the way I act the way I can't seem to be normal. I hate being looked at, being heard, being perceived. I hate seeing people, hearing the noise of the world, and the way everyone seems fine.
I guess the thing is is that I don't have a reason to feel this way. I have no trauma and a normal home life. I feel like an attention seeker who's constantly trying to pretend to be sick. but I guess whatever is going on with me could be genetic both my mom and sister have mdd, so maybe something is up with my hormones.
recently I've been scratching words into my wrist. it never draws bloods. the fact that I scratch and not cut feels like another example of me trying to pretend I'm sick, bcus i don't even have the courage to do the real thing. I only scratch bcus I like looking at the red marks and words I write into my arm. stupid shit like purpose, wasted, feel alive, existing ≠ living, worth. I like the fact that I can just hide the marks behind sleeves, and how close everyone else could be to finding out. I don't know today I just cut a bunch of my hair without really looking, I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I feel like I'm looking for validation in a way, for someone to tell me that what I'm feeling is real, I can't validate my own feelings.
whats so fun or interesting about life that people acctually want to live? like if your not attractive smart or rich, like what is there to live for? being average is ok and that's all it is, just ok. that won't change how easy others have it. aren't we all just wasting our time? like am I just going to grow up and be a wage slave for the rest of my life? I hope I die in a car accident by the time I'm 30.
why are people so happy? it feels like everyone is just content with life. like their okay working until they die.
why do people have passions and dreams? I can't feel any of it I'm just floating around. why can't I feel a sense of purpose towards anything.
why don't people hate themselves? how do people be content with how they are. why doesn't everyone have self hatred, why doesn't everyone care too much about what everyone else thinks, how do people feel self assurance.
I could see how's it's reasonable to live until 25 maybe 30, but what's else is there, living past 30 is truly pointless why would I ever grow old. humans live too long life isn't anything special