u/DueNefariousness7555

I realized that borderline for me was just a massive exaggeration of reality.

These are just automatic responses carved by my childhood, it would make me have these horrible automatic responses to mundane things, where I would spiral for months or days, in horrible emotional pain thinking about how much I ruined things or how I should run away.

Using all of the information I've accumulated about psychology throughout the years

I've been able to make slow consistent progress

I'm no longer under so much shame and stress, it was a very long process.

It's this constant battle between my rational brain and my irrational brain.

I'm just so happy that progress is possible.

I always thought I would be screwed forever.

Underneath all of the pain is just a child who just wants a friend.

I have quiet borderline personality disorder and complex post traumatic stress disorder.

I've gotten this issue due to my friend leaving at a young age. He was the closest friend and the world to me.

Watching his car pull away and being stuck alone all of those years, created so much turbulence in my head.

At a young age there is no ability to cope or understand what's actually happening. The thoughts would replay and replay all throughout my life.

Abandoning others and being afraid to express my true self, made me hold in so many dark thoughts about myself and others.

Constantly on high alert for years, someone would knock on the door and I sprint to it before I knew I was awake.

Every little social miss step lead to such agony, where the thoughts would never end and I did what I knew how to do.

Run. Run. Run.. run.

Hide, obsess and amplify.

I created my own hell. Every little reminder of the past and my mistakes, no matter how much running and avoiding I did, I could never face these problems or face myself.

I want to thank God and my friend. My friend who moved away, we stayed friends throughout the years. But things went bad for both of us.

He passed away last year. I have no choice but to be grateful, regardless of the circumstances.

I hope to god, I can dedicate my life to being as wonderful as it was when I was a child.

I know my values and I know what I want. What I've always wanted.

A friend.

Throughout the years I've accumulated so much information about psychology, how the human brain works and over the last year I've finally been able to get what I wanted all along.

Relief.

This problem isn't forever, please do your absolute best.

Everyone's issues aren't the same, and everyone's journey is so different.

I love you Jake