Transition timeline
Hey everyone, I don’t really know what I expect writing this post but I guess I just need to get this overwhelming feeling of dread I got off my chest. I’ll be 27 this year, and for a few years I thought I was nonbinary with a heavy masc leaning preference, and I was in a relationship where I was so in love with the other person I kind of stopped thinking about my gender, and asking questions to myself, if that makes sense. Anyways, after a horrible break up last year, I left the country of my dream and moved somewhere in Europe where I found a job a few months ago. Also realized in the meantime that I felt more happy, more comfortable, more myself when I felt like a man, whether in the mirror or in eyes of others. And though I still I’m not sure if I am 100% binary in terms of gender, I know I want to take T and get top surgery at the very least, I want to be perceived as a man. And I thought if I stayed in this new country I’m in for at least 3 years, I’d be able to get a consultation for surgery and everything because the waiting lists are horrendous but at least I wouldn’t have anything to cover financially, as I’m in a pretty bad place on that end. But I’m really not feeling well with where I’m at now, and I can’t help but constantly think about 2 things: 1) I want to medically transition as soon as possible 2) I want to go back to the country I loved and pursue further education, which I truly feel is my calling. But if I went with option 2, I’d have to pay for everything out of my own pocket, and that would take years and years as I know I’ll struggle with tuition. And at the same time, I feel like my life is on a sort of weird break, like I’m not really there and won’t be until the world I experience sees me, recognizes me as the person I really am inside. And I don’t know if I have it in me to keep going that way. But I also can’t see myself give up on my other dreams, you know? So overall, while I know there is no right or wrong way to transition, no timeline to follow, no nothing of the sort, I still can’t help but feel like I’m too late, like I’ll never be able to fully embody the man I am and that’s it’s too late for me. I know transitioning even in my 60s, 70s, 80s etc wouldn’t be too late either, but I can’t shake that feeling of despair these days… so I guess if anyone feels or has felt the same way, or has stories of transitioning later on in life, if you could call it that, I’d be glad to hear them. To feel a bit less alone in that, as I don’t really have a support system around me nor anyone in a similar situation… Anyways, sorry for the long post, and I hope I don’t come off as too abrasive or insensitive, English isn’t my first language and I don’t want to sound too harsh.