My husband and I have been married 4 years, we dated approx. 3.5. The first couple of years we dated were on and off because of his issues with commitment and his hang up about a (then recent) breakup. He was seeing both me and his ex-girlfriend in some capacity throughout this time. I don't think I ever really got the full truth on this - he described it as though they would meet up to get coffee and catch up or have an occasional phone chat because they still 'felt like family' to each other. I tried to be understanding about this because when we met, neither of us were looking for a relationship so it's not as if he deliberately sought me out to waste my time. We met organically at my work place where he was a regular and a natural connection formed. We tried to pursue it cautiously, knowing that the timing was not ideal, both of us having recently left relationships. It turned out to be more challenging in practice to reign in those early feelings of chemistry, excitement, and curiosity.
Things would be really, really good between us for a couple weeks at a time and then he would retreat into his work which included a lot of travel. He would be away for a week and we'd hardly talk on the phone or text. I noticed his avoidance in the connection at times and drove myself crazy trying to determine the meaning behind his actions. Occasionally, he would appear forlorned when were together. Normally, he would brush my questioning off but other times he admitted to continuing to struggle with the ending of his relationship with his ex. I feel shame and embarrassment that I continued to chase him, believing that there was a healthy way to support his healing in a way that could lead to a solid relationship between us. I started to become suspicious and jealous, checking his texts and internet history. On more than one occasion I found texts and emails to and from his ex. He frequently lied or told half-truths as to why the communication continued. These were not simply 'catching-up' messages and plenty flirtatious. It was excruciating every time and my nervous system seemed to stay on high alert, leaving me constantly on edge. It became to0 hurtful and exhausting to continue and I finally called it off.
4 months went by and I got a letter from him in the mail. In the letter, he was very thorough in his explanation as to why he was unable to properly lean in to a connection with me as he recovered from his breakup. He apologized for not owning it sooner and told me that in the time apart, he had began to see a life coach along with other soul-searching type activity which resulted in a realization that he wasted an opportunity with me. He promised that if I gave him a second chance he would be fully committed. He acknowledged how his continued communication with his ex-girlfriend would not allow a solid foundation for any relationship between us and that he had reached out to her before sending me the letter to let her know that neither of them would be able to move on if they stayed in touch. They apparently both agreed to stop reaching out.
Obviously, I gave him another chance. We had an absolutely wonderful year together forming what felt like the foundation of something solid. I asked him to be transparent about any communication that may happen between them in the event she reach out. This request offered me some security that I wouldn't be blindsided. He gave me his word that he would be fully honest and we moved forward. Fast forward to a few months after we married - something felt "off". Honestly, it was probably my traumatized, hypervigilant nervous system looking for reassurance of safety while fearing a threat. Something prompted me to ask him about whether he had talked to her and his response was incriminating, though he denied it. I wouldn't let it go and kept asking over the course of a couple of months. He finally told me that she had reached out to him in the fall of the previous year. She had attended a concert of a band whose music they enjoyed together and felt nostalgic, asking him to meet up with her. According to him, he let her know that he wished her the best, but reiterated that they should not be talking for the reasons they discussed previously. Also according to him, this was their last contact. He says he didn't tell me because things were going so well and he didn't want me to start having second thoughts about giving him another chance. This experience was really upsetting for me and felt like a betrayal that he couldn't just be honest. I tried to move forward in good faith but it was really some sort of cognitive dissonance. At times, felt trapped, wishing I had waited a little bit longer before agreeing to get married so that this could have shown itself in time for me to back out. We talked about it at length, he promised he would never do such a thing again and we go on to have many happy, connected moments since then. Not wanting to live in a marriage where I have to check up on my spouse, I do my best to believe the best (blissfully ignorant?) and move forward. I haven't made a habit of checking his texts or history, though I have the passwords to his phone and computer.
Fast forward to yesterday. We were in his office and I was using his computer to print a return shipping label. I go to plug a search term into the internet history and I see words pop up in the results that seem unusual to me. I click on them and they are naked pictures of his ex-girlfriend. They were in his Gmail account under a code name - he accessed the photos on Easter Sunday a few weeks ago but they were originally emailed to him from his phone around the time they broke up. My heart begins to race really fast and I feel panicked so I clumsily tell him I need to leave to run an errand. He obviously knows something is up and calls me a short time later. I don't answer, trying to process how to proceed, and head home. When I get home he is unexpectedly there. I tell him what I saw and he begins offering word salad and lies. I ask him to see his computer and he has already deleted the history which he insists is totally unrelated and just something he does sometimes. Eventually, he comes clean that he has looked at those photos "3 to 4 times" (which we know is obviously more) during the time we have been married but that he does not look at them for sexual reasons but out of "curiosity". He says he also sometimes pulls up their old emails to reflect on how much better things are for him now as compared to then.
I called my therapist and made the soonest available appointment which is a couple of days away and I met with a friend to talk about it. My friend offered kind perspective and suggested that this doesn't seem like relationship ending material but I don't know if I agree with that. I don't want to continue putting in years into this marriage only to be dealing with this or something similar down the line. I love my husband and there are so many incredible qualities to the relationship. I just can't wrap my mind around how I am expected to move forward in a marriage with this information and be a person who respects themselves. I would really appreciate any insight.
I feel raw and in pain and I humbly request that you be kind in your response.