For context we are both unmedicated and have ADHD. Long queues in our country.
My fiancé is lovely, in the intimate, friendly, and affectionate way. We get along perfectly emotionally and we started out as friends. But recently I’ve been doubting his ability to be independent, and his complete denial of it, and it makes me worry about the future.
My fiancé sleeps through alarms. My fiancé doesn’t know how to grocery shop without me. He consistently forgets items. He needs to be reminded about tasks, dates, runs to the bus because he forgets items.
I am his unpaid assistant. I wake him up when he shuts his alarms off. I make him a list, and forgive him when he forgets items. I remind him about events, bus schedules.. I even remember where all his things are.
The past few weeks I have tried to address his lack of independence of me, and he has straight up said that I have no affect on these things, that he lived alone before me and he functioned fine.
So I did an experiment. This week, I didn’t interfere in the morning. 4/5 weekdays he forgot something important, significantly interfered with my morning schedule (he “forgot” I use our tiny bathroom first as I leave before him), slept 1/2 hour through an alarm, and forgot his ID for work. I noticed all these things, knew where his items were, even gently asked “you’re sure you’re all ready to go?” with a confident yes every time.
For one week I wanted to focus on me. It was literally just the first hour of our day, and already it was clear how impactful I am in his life.
On the last morning I exploded. I didn’t understand how he couldn’t see how impactful I am on his life- and how kisses and cuddles don’t make up for being his project manager. F*ck, even an “I appreciate you” would make it okay for me. But instead he completely denies it.
It’s made me incredibly bitter and realize how much of his behavior I tolerate, and how much of my love for him is tolerance instead of true, equal love. I can’t rely on him, because he relies on me. It isn’t 50/50 no matter how much he claims otherwise.
Not only that, but he claims to “be my rock” but absolutely cannot keep calm when I’m stressed, instead acts like a worry bug in my ear and raises my heart rate. Like, consistently escalates situations.
Have any of you dealt with an ADHD partner who just cant see how much they need you to help them? How can I make him see without hurting him?
I love him and we are so compatible otherwise. But I have my own struggles, I can’t micromanage his responsibilities too.