u/Due_Assumption_6432

I’ve been burning myself more lately bc it’s easier clean up but burns are so much harder to take care of in my opinion , I’m struggling right now bc everytime I burn I strive for third degree, which normally I can do easily if it’s pretty small , but I just did a kinda med sized burn and I’m pretty sure it’s 2nd degree but pretty deep, but for some reason in my head since bc it’s not 3rd degree it’s not good enough , it frustrates me bc I don’t even want to hurt myself. So the fact that I do it to the most extreme worries and scares me honestly. Self harm feels like a competition in my head , like seeing how much pain I can endure for some reason I don’t understand it , it makes me feel strong if I can endure crazy amounts of pain. But I don’t want to. I feel like it’s someone else forcing me to. Bc in the moment I’m begging for the pain to end but I can’t bring it to myself to pull the fire away from my skin. It almost feels like my brain is telling me this is the only way to feel better but it’s making me feel worse :( I don’t like hurting myself , I regret it everytime , but in the moment it’s all that’s on my mind, being competitive with my own body, it almost feels like a “take this torture and you’ll survive anything” complex , I’ve been struggling with self harm since I was 11 and I’m now 24. I feel so helpless, I go months sometimes without a incident and all it takes it one little thought to be stronger than the others to push me down , sometimes I can ignore the thoughts and I pay no mind , but all those thoughts build up and eventually it feels explosive and then when I do sh it tends to be worse than it would’ve been if I initially did it bc I waited so long and then there’s so much built of anxiety, so then I do it worse bc I get scared I’ll miss it so I go deep to keep it longer , it’s just a constant cycle of pain and torture it feels like , and I’m doing it to myself , I’m my own demise and I want to stop but I truly don’t know how I feel like I’ve tried everything and anything