TW: self harm, suicidal thoughts
A while ago, I changed schools and met a new group of friends. I’ll call them Lucy, Very, Sarah, and Mary. Since I was new, I naturally joined their group and at first everything seemed normal.
That year slowly became one of the most confusing and emotionally exhausting periods of my life, mostly because of one friendship in particular.
I got very close to Sarah, even though she had already been best friends with Lucy for about 7 years. Looking back, that was probably the first sign that things weren’t as simple as they seemed.
At some point, she told me that she self harmed. I didn’t fully understand it, but I was already struggling with my mental health and having suicidal thoughts. After she told me, I ended up hurting myself too, thinking it might help me cope with what I was feeling.
The next day I told her what I had done. Instead of being concerned, she accused me of copying her and didn’t show any care. She spent the rest of the day judging me. That moment affected me deeply.
After that, I became emotionally attached to her in a very unhealthy way. It felt like she was the only person who understood me, even though the relationship was hurting me.
Over time, she started dating a boy named André. After that, she began ignoring me whenever we were together, even if I was sitting right next to her. She would spend all her time talking to him on calls.
Whenever I tried to tell her how that made me feel, she would say I was jealous and selfish. Sometimes she would apologize and be affectionate again, but it never lasted.
Our friendship became very unstable. Some days she treated me like I mattered to her, and other days she completely ignored me while being normal with everyone else.
After those moments, she would post things online saying she had no real friends and that no one cared about her, which made everything more confusing.
She also claimed to have multiple mental illnesses, although she had never been diagnosed by a professional at that time.
During the summer, things got worse. She started talking to another person while still being involved with her boyfriend, and at the same time she distanced herself from the group.
Whenever we tried to make plans, she would say she couldn’t come. Later we would find out she was staying home talking to him instead. After that, she would blame us for not caring enough or not insisting.
She would ignore me for days at a time while continuing her relationships, as if nothing had happened.
When school started again, I was already emotionally drained. There were conflicts in the group, and I was so attached to her that I started agreeing with everything she said just to avoid losing her or upsetting her.
She encouraged me to talk badly about others in the group, and I followed along even though it made me feel worse every time.
Whenever I tried to express how I felt or what she was doing, she would cry, play the victim, and say she was going to kill herself. That made me feel trapped, like I couldn’t say anything without being responsible for her reaction.
During that period, I tried to end my life multiple times. Even so, I still kept trying to hold onto her and told her she was important to me.
There was even a moment where she made fun of one of my attempts, which still hurts to think about.
Eventually, everything started falling apart. There were constant arguments in the group and more tension between everyone. She would turn against people quickly, and if I didn’t agree with her, I would become the target too.
At one point, she told me that since I joined the group, everything had been ruined.
Then there was a big argument where she told me I had to choose a side. When I didn’t want to, she insulted me and said I was just like the others.
I never wanted to be involved in any of it, but I was pushed into the middle anyway.
After some time, I spoke to one of the others privately because I needed to understand what was going on. We created a group to talk about everything that had happened, but I felt guilty almost immediately.
Not long after, I told her about it.
She cried and then stopped talking to me completely.
It has now been about a week since we stopped being friends.
My life feels quieter now. I reconnected with the others, we talked, we apologized, and we all realized how much the situation affected us in different ways.
We are slowly rebuilding things and trying to move forward.
I’m still trying to process everything that happened, but I just needed to get it off my chest.