I have this intense fear that I’m going to lose my boyfriend because of my past trauma.
I’m 28F and my boyfriend is 28M. We met online and just fell in love, things really clicked for us. Yes, we have our negatives, but when we’re together we fit like puzzle pieces. He understands me in a way nobody else does, and I do that for him too. I know this sounds cliché, but I genuinely feel like he’s the one. If I don’t marry him, I don’t think I’ll get married at all.
Lately, my insecurities from past relationships have been getting to me. Every time we argue or disagree, it takes me to a really messed up mental space where I get super insecure about losing him because of my own behaviour. I’m a very emotional person and I get hurt easily, and it’s reached a point where he’s started thinking about what to say before talking to me. I feel like that’s already one step in the wrong direction.
His whole family knows about me, and we both know we want to get married. But today something small turned into something bigger. He got upset that I didn’t sleep on time even though I have a 4:30 am shift. He wasn’t mean, but it turned into a “you tell me to do this and I tell you to do that” kind of conversation. He said something that hurt me a little, and that turned into a bigger issue. Today is the first time since we’ve been together that he’s gone to sleep upset with me.
I know I’m not a perfect girlfriend. I feel like I’m too emotional for my own good. I feel like I might be self sabotaging this relationship because of my past, and I really want to understand how to handle this better. I can’t imagine my life without him, but I don’t want my reactions to keep hurting him.
I’m not looking for judgment, I’m genuinely looking for advice on how to improve.
What are practical things I [28F] can do to manage my reactions during conflicts with my boyfriend [28M] so my insecurities don’t affect our relationship
TLDR: I think I’m self sabotaging a healthy relationship because of my insecurities and I’m scared of losing my boyfriend