Looking for a reality check on a very enmeshed co-parenting dynamic.
I recently came out of a short but very intense relationship with a woman who has a co-parenting setup that I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around. We were "all in" for three months, but things ended abruptly when I finally spoke up about my concerns regarding her boundaries with her ex. I’m hoping to hear from people in this community, is this kind of thing common, or was I right to feel like there was no room for me in her life?
The biggest issue for me was the sleepovers. Her ex sleeps over at her house several nights a week, supposedly so he can be there for the kids' morning routines. He’s a constant fixture in the home even when it isn’t his scheduled time with the children. She still maintains a dedicated bedroom at his place and they entertain guests together at his place sometimes. Beyond that, their lives are almost entirely intertwined. They still own and operate a business together, and she considers his extended family to be her family. They still go on family vacations together and celebrate every holiday as a single unit. It felt like they were still living as a married couple in every way except for the label.
When I finally brought up that the frequent sleepovers made me uncomfortable, she initially told me my feelings were valid. However, she pivoted shortly after and ended the relationship. Her explanation was that she suddenly realized there was never a romantic connection between us and that her relationship with her ex is strictly platonic and entirely for the kids. She made it clear that she was never going to change anything for me because she never felt anything for me. (her actions when were together tell a different story)
I’m struggling with the "platonic" label because it feels like the kids' best interests are being used as a shield to avoid setting any actual adult boundaries. For those of you who have successfully moved on and started dating again, is it actually possible for a dynamic with this much financial and physical overlap to be "just friends"? Does a situation like this ever actually leave room for a new partner to be an equal, or was I always destined to be an outsider in this weird arrangement?