Finally ready.
Please hang in there with me.. this is a long one..
I’ve been an opiate user since I was 19. I am 35 now. From New England.. I moved away for my own sobriety after being addicted to opiates and eventually, H, and kicked it successfully. Cold turkey. Awful.
With a few relapses along the way I have managed to stay clean for a long time. With the occasional kratom use, I met my husband, made a family and lived the best life we could live. And then I stumbled across 7.
At first, it was fun and I was shocked at how this could make me feel. And as we all know it snowballed. Here I am almost a year later and it’s almost as if the last few months I’ve been in some sort of psychosis, where the world and reality felt off. And I felt anxious and depressed even on large amounts of 7. I have a secret credit card that I have maxed the $300 limit the same day. My husband controls all the finances, so you can imagine it’s been really hard and overwhelming to try and secretly pay it back. I’ve been using my moms credit card (with her permission of course cus she can’t say no and I know that and took advantage of that) and every couple of days it would be a new excuse to use her card to get 7. I have her convinced that a smoke shop near me is a gas station where I can get a carton of cigs and gas so she’ll let me use $200 of it without question. I’ve asked to borrow from coworkers and never paid them back or took forever to pay them back so I could sneak $20 here and $20 there. The lying. The constant worry and anxiety. Sick. I’m sick.
But I’ve gotten to the point where I’m done. Thousands and thousands of dollars over the last year. And I am just done. I just needed to reach out and let SOMEBODY know. I’m a solitary user. Not a single soul knows about it. And it’s just gotten out of hand. I’m rectifying it and have swore to myself that I wouldn’t ask for money from my mom. But when the cravings kick in my brain knows how easy it is to ask her and her say yes, even if i know it’s ruining our relationship. She barely speaks to me anymore. I’m sure out of fear I’ll ask for money.
But this isn’t who I am. It’s some sort of beast that has been wearing my skin. And the mental effects are awful. I’ve never had ideas to hurt myself, but it’s gotten so overwhelming they pop into my head. That’s what scared me the most. I have guilt and shame and I am just ready to put this all behind me. Like I said I’ve sort of been in this constant 7 induced psychosis and it has crept into every part of my brain. I am stocked with kratom powder for withdrawals and I have never been consistently over 150 mgs a day. Even after a year. Some days I would binge and just take so much, and then panic the next day when my stash was almost gone and like a soul crushing, my life is ending panic. Not normal. But with this powder, I’m going to give it a few days. I’ve been through the withdrawals a few times and have made it a week clean before the voice starts again. And I know in a few days I’ll feel a lot better and my mind won’t be so dark. I’ll have PAWS but I have a therapist now too. That should help. But I just wanted to share and hear other stories.
Thanks for coming to my Ted talk lmfao