We are going to go to couples therapy soon. My therapist gave me homework to write down everytime he doesn't make me feel "safe" physically or emotionally.
We have been having issues in our relationship for a while now.
My partner (46M) finally went to therapy. He did 6 sessions, and now he is telling me his therapist says he doesn't need to be there. We had agreed on couples therapy after we both did individual therapy. I (36F) have been in individual therapy for 3 years now.
I was FUMING when he told me his therapist said he didn't need therapy but I did. Later that day I had therapy. I told my therapist and she said to come at it with curiosity. "Does that mean you graduated therapy?" "Does your therapist think you are ready for couples therapy then?"
He went and asked. She said it sounds like a good idea and that I should look into it because my insurance might cover it.
Now, my therapist and I are getting me prepared to sit on that couch with him. I want to stay grounded and precise. He has a habit of gaslighting and turing it all around on me.
Anyways... here is my list of BS.
She told me to frame it with, "It hasnt felt safe when..":
It hasn't felt safe to bring awareness to patterns of behavior and communication.
I try to speak, and I am met with no acknowledgment that I even said anything.
If I do get him to engage in a topic that needs to be addressed, he walks away as I'm still trying to address it all while muttering under his breath.
If I ask what he said under his breath I am met with denial of saying anything under his breath. (I have labeled this behavior as "talking shit under your breath")
The energy and sharpness with how he speaks to the boys is subpar. Often threatening that he is going to "whoop their ass". Which I am not ok with. We do not "pop on the booty"
I don't feel safe to freely exist in the same room. I have to minimize and walk lightly. I can't even watch my phone at low volume or the boys make kid noise (whining, screeching, talking, playing) we are disturbing his precious TV time. I find myself watching my phone on mute just so we aren't playing volume wars. He is constantly telling the boys to "shut up" if they are happily making noise. And tells them "go to bed" if they are whining.
I don't feel safe to buy take out with my measly 20$ (no strings attached). There is always strings attached. I feel like I have to hide the food bags, receipts and cups from him if we get take out during the day. Or I have to over explain why I got take out in the first place. Or made to feel bad that I got takeout even if I used "my" money. It's brought up multiple times after the discovery of the fast food. Continuing the shame long after the first initial conversation.
I don't feel safe to walk in a different room without words being spoken behind my back under his breath. If I address it I am told he didn't say anything. Continuing to keep me questioning my own reality.
In the evenings after dinner I hear him "washing up" the dishes. In my brain it says "oh good I don't have to worry about the dishes tonight". Only to find out hours later when I go in the kitchen that there is still a full kitchen to be cleaned. He was just "helping out" by rinsing the dishes. I'm often feeling defeated by this because I'm hopeful that he is actually helping out. The job isn't done and still gets put on me after the help has been served. It doesn't feel like help. Now after dinner when I hear that water going it puts me even more on edge. Knowing that the job is still there for me to do it and I'm supposed to feel thankful.
I don't feel safe when I try to discuss anything with him. It is constantly turned around on me and made to be my problem or fault never going anyway of remedying anything.
There is more that I am continuing to add to this list as it happens.. This is just the start.
I wish my nervous system rest.