r/couplestherapy

Going to start this off by saying there are a few things I need advice on.

I (21f) have been with my boyfriend (37m) for almost four years now, (I'm turning 22 next month) and I have some internal conflicts. For context, I have been in several severely abusive relationships, and this is NOT that. My boyfriend is an absolute sweetheart and he's only raised his voice at me when it matters (when I'm in immediate danger, when he needs to get my attention in a crowd, etc). He has NEVER raised a hand to me, has never called me names, has never tried to guilt-trip and/or gaslight me, and is focused on my comfort and health above all else.

I've read that depression and Anhedonia can alter feelings for romantic partners, and I have experienced that firsthand. There are some things that my boyfriend does that annoy me to the point of pissing me off, but I know he's just trying to be cute and make me laugh. My situation is a little precarious, as I'm living with him and don't have anywhere else to go if something happens between us. But I love him, I love his dog, and although I don't love the house we're living in, I recognize it's what he can afford and I know there are better things to come in the future.

There are just a few concerns I have; while he's emotionally intelligent, he's not emotionally articulate. He's very bad with explaining things, and has a hard time talking about how he feels. (I get it, I'm the same way, but it annoys me when I have to talk FOR him to figure out how he's feeling. I have to ask, but I'd rather ask and know than keep myself guessing waiting for him to find the words.)

My second concern: He's communicated to me about how disconnected and lonely he feels. (For context, he's working, and I'm working, I have a dogsitting job that takes me weeks at a time away from him). I need some ideas for activities we can do together to feel better connected to my partner, because as much as he annoys me sometimes, connection is INCREDIBLY important to me and now that I've dated him for as long as I have, he feels like a roommate. I hate it.

I want to be excited when he gets excited about something, and I want to be able to laugh when he does something silly instead of just annoyed. I'm currently going to therapy for things from my past, but I'd love to hear y'all's opinions. And please, try not to comment on the age gap. I know it's unconventional, but he treats me right and makes me smile, and after all I've been through, that's all I really care about. He treats me like a human being, like an equal, and I feel utterly blessed.

I’m mid 30’s F and husband is early 30s. This is my first marriage. His second. When we met I knew we were very different people. Besides our love for extreme sports, pretty much we are the opposites with everything (politics, interests, values,etc), but something I saw in him, which felt like the thing that was missing in all my other relationships, was his desire to work on himself.

He would often ask how he could be a better partner, what‘s on my mind, apologize first after arguments, even if we were both at fault-just basic emotional intelligence things that felt like such green flags, and very much husband material lol.

Well, he doesn’t do any of that anymore. When we were in couples therapy I asked him why, and he said I ask too much of him already, and nothing he does is ever enough. Honestly this could be partly true; I grew up around people who went to college, had good careers, were educated. He did not. I think my upbringing contributes to me feeling like he’s not trying hard enough, and doesn’t have high enough aspirations for himself...So how do I get past this critical thinking?/ what do I do about this?

I also feel like I’m always nagging him to do normal things, like go to the doctors, remembering to take the dogs inside after walking them, drinking less, etc. He doesn’t ask anything of me, besides to have more sex with him, which I do/ try to do. I love him very much but I just wish he was the same guy I fell for, who desired to improve himself.

TLDR, my husband doesn’t try to work on himself or our relationship anymore, and I don’t know how to get myself to be less critical of him.

TL;DR - I have to climb over my partner’s mess to get to my side of the bed. I’ve started using the torch on my phone to do so when it’s dark, even when he’s trying to sleep.

We are both in our late 30s / early 40s.

My partner sleeps nearest the door. In most of the house he is pleasantly tidy, but the bedroom is messy (his side and mine). I don’t mind the mess per se, but there isn’t a path for me to get into bed because of the piles of things. This has been the case for almost the whole time we’ve been together - about five years. I used to ask him to fix it, but gave up because sometimes you have to choose your battles.

I often come to bed after my partner has the lights off and is trying to sleep. It’s hard to clamber in the dark, especially because the piles of things tend to move. I have cut my foot before, trying to get into bed in the dark.

For a short while I tried hopping over him to get to my side of the bed. This was ok until I accidentally stepped on him one time. He understandably didn’t like that, and agreed to leave a path for me to my side, saying ”now that there is something in it for him”, he would. I guess he would say that was a joke but there wasn’t anything joking in his voice at the time. The comment was still bothering me the next day, so I brought it to him to talk about, but we just ended up having a big fight, and he couldn’t remember saying it anyway.

Months later, the floor situation is the same. I work long days and have a stressful job so can’t always make a path for myself before nighttime. So I don’t try to tiptoe anymore. I just turn on my phone torch to get me to my side of the bed. I appreciate that this isn’t kind or constructive - he is sensitive to light, and phone torches are bright - and I am mindful of the vicious circle of not looking out for each other. But I also need to get to bed, and at a certain point, I do need to look out for me.

To be clear, this man is very kind in lots of ways, and also loyal and sweet. Recently in couple’s therapy I asked him, ”it would be really nice if you could empathise with me and consider my needs valid, even if they are not what you would feel in that situation.” He was hurt and pretty angry, saying ”I spend almost all my time thinking you about you and how you feel.” And this is true!

If you have advice on how to move forward constructively, I’d appreciate it.

I autistic 24M and my gf 24F have been together for going on 4 years. For both of us, this is the first serious relationship we've ever had. Over the past year I have had an increasing want to be with different people. It started with noticing other people that i found attractive then feelings of desire towards them including revelations about my own sexuality.

We both moved out of our parents houses and in together 3 months after we started dating and from then our finances have been linked. She has had a job off and on throughout our relationship and at times I wanted to support her as a stay at home girlfriend. In 2022 we bought a house in my name (she had no credit) using my 401k from a previous job as the down payment. We have collected an assortment of pets including 2 dogs, 2 cats and a bearded dragon since moving in.

We have both struggled with our own mental health throughout the relationship including her recent stay at a mental hospital for suicidal thoughts. I have a tendency to want to be in control and she has a tendency to be lead by the hand leading me to make most of the decisions in our relationship. Even when I try to get her input I am usually met with "whatever you think is best".

She is my best friend and I love her so much. But my feeling of being trapped and our dynamic being unhealthy from the start has made me want to leave.

I have already told her that is we ever did break up we could be roommates for as long as she needed and she'd only have to pay half of the utilities as I dont want to profit from "renting" a room from her and we have a pretty good idea of what animals will go with who. How do I approach her with this and where do we go from here?

Hi guys, my story is really not that interesting, but I am in a morally impasse and I would really need advice. Im sorry in advance for the length.

In a month i have my bachelor's degree exam and then in november i have my medical residency exam, so times are tough, mental breakdowns are the new routine and overall I just feel the worst i have ever felt and I just need a lot of support to carry on through the days. Our 5 years relationship is also going south for lack of understanding and communication, so it's really not a great time for any of us. Because of everything that is going on between us and her being a major avoidant, she is now trying her best to avoid taking part in solving our problem as she feels drained of putting effort so she's been looking for different ways to escape this responsability (meeting friends every 2 days, buying a new musical instrument, complaining about not taking enough trips etc). She is now finding an infinite of reasons to be displeased with everything that is going on in our lives.

Maybe worth mentioning is how I told her I need stability and to clarify a few problems before taking a break from our problems (as she feels drained), but we just couldn't meet in the middle with this and I just have to wait for her to talk whenever she us ready while I spiral. And I cant help but build resentment for her accepting to receive 100% of my effort while she offers barely anything.

I think I am selfish for what I am about to say, but I would really need her to stay with me as I study, because I feel so stuck and alone and on the edge. I also feel a bit betrayed by her thinking of arranging trips for her and her friends while I am siting on my ass all day struggling with studying and with thoughts regarding our relationship. I did talk to her about me feeling betrayed and envious and needing her by my side, but it backfired. She said she feels limited. I truly understand her point of view and I don't know if I am right to ask her not to go anywhere just because I feel miserable. But it still doesn't feel fair and I still feel like she is not being considerate enough.

Last year was her turn of having these 2 exams and I told her I will be by her side because I know how shitty it feels to stay at home in distress while the partner is having a great time, and in the beginning of this year we made the same compromise regarding my situation, but since our relationship has started drifting and she has been feeling off, she is now putting her feelings before it. I mentioned how last year I was considerate and would love if she could be as well, but she just said how I wouldn't have gone anywhere regardless of her having an exam or not so for me it wasn't a sacrifice.

My wife and I are not in a good place with regular fights. There's been a lot of stress after our third kid.

When we try to talk about our issues (one book called it a "learning conversation"), we are always arguing past each other and can't seem to find a way/deciding forward on many issues.

Yes, we're looking for a counselor. But I have a very discrete question: Do folks have an idea on how such conversations should be structured, how often they should occur and what we should note as a reference for the next time as decisions.

I will have a paper/pen ready for our next learning conversation. What notes am I taking to create some good forward progress that we can build on. I am thinking: values, things that bother, boundaries, positions, etc.

Thanks folks.

We’re only on our 5th session with a new therapist. We had a great therapist before hand who we couldn’t afford because we lost good health insurance. We went to someone else who takes my state health insurance in her office. I’m not sure how I’m feeling about this new girl. She does give us things to reflect on and work on between sessions, and it’s good stuff. But in the session when I’m talking about issues that have gone on she told me that I seem to be the one always talking about things he does that is wrong and how it must be hard to hear. My partner doesn’t think so because he knows he has become complacent and has done things that have affected me and how our relationship is.

We agreed were there to work through our issues but when I describe them she has a look on her face like I’m saying word salad. It’s been making it hard to get through my point because she just doesn’t seem to be understanding. She doesn’t really guide or help, and won’t really say much to my issues and my partner doesn’t seem to be getting deep either in his feelings. He did talk with our last therapist, so it is making it seem like I’m just constantly complaining about him while he’s silent.

Obviously I’ll stick it out for a few I don’t know if it’s new therapist getting to know eachother, but I was wondering what you guys thought? Is this a new thing that happens or something I need to address and talk further about in session. When I’ve tried to explain my reasoning she just stares at me and doesn’t seem to get me. Like with anything I’ve brought up, it’s making me seem like I’m hating on my partner but I’m not. I’m just wanting to talk and work through issues.

I broke up with my man bcs i felt like i got fully absorbed in the relationship, to the extent of losing my own identity and life. Need some space and time now to reflect on our relationship dynamics and what to do with my life.Any suggestions would be appreciated a lot!

Need advice. I am aware that my situation isn’t known explicitly but want a broader level of awareness anyway.

I have been with my partner for 6 years now, the whole relationship has been terrible. Cheating, lying, abuse, porn addiction, lack of communication etc.

The reason we remained in a relationship was due to us living together, being young and minor drug use causing me and likely him, to ignore reality.

I recently quit drug use, however he hasn’t. Things have only gotten worse. He does not listen to any offerings of advice or options despite trying EVERY angle.

Currently, he will not let me leave, we are isolated and live far out of any township. At this stage he is a drunk and addict who I do not recognise and I can’t get through to.

We otherwise have an amazing life, with options to enjoy our freedoms. Hunting, motorbikes, fishjng, farming etc - however his interests are often acting spoilt, complaining and pretending like a relationship that has communication is one containing “big v\*gina behaviour.” Obviously kind of offensive.

It spans endlessly, but I just want to know if I’m doomed? I feel like I have tried everything. He says often that “posts on Reddit etc show that you are doing the wrong thing.” So honestly, looking for a bit of validation even if it is also critical.

Just looking for other's stories on how it went when you used the session as kind of your mediator to get it out that you know about the affair.

Does the therapist help with this at all?

Did it help to have a third party?

Sometimes I like/need to lie on the sofa curled in a blanket, quiet and still, ideally in a dark room.

Usually this is because I am overwhelmed, as I have a stressful job with long hours.

Sometimes I get this burning feeling in my skin, I think it’s from the stress. It’s like exaggerated pins and needles. Aforementioned dark quiet blanket time (we’ll call this DQBT) helps, and it’s the only thing I’ve so far found that helps.

I would ideally like a little room where I could shut the door and do this, but my partner didn’t want this when we were flat hunting (it was an overseas move, we were flat hunting, he had to find the flat by himself as I had exams. This was my one ask, I don’t think he realised it was important to me because he kind of ignored it).

So I would typically do this on the sofa in the living room, or in the bedroom if he’s on the sofa. (I don’t need him to not be in the room, I just need to not have to engage in anything.)

My partner doesn’t like that I want/need DQBT.

This morning he told me it’s “unreasonable to want quiet time, because it’s nice to have a nice time together”.

This afternoon he says he wants to make it very clear he has no problem with me having quiet time, the problem is it effectively means asking him not to talk to me, and he shouldn’t have to feel like it’s a privilege to talk to me.

I do not want to need DQBT, but I feel like I do, because I don’t know what else to try or how else to make the overwhelm go away.

Am I being selfish here? What can I do to resolve this situation? I don’t really understand the parameters of the problem and I’m having trouble solving it.

(We’re both in our late 30s/early 40s and we live together.)

I need some advice. We have been together for over 5 years. When I first met my partner he had a job that paid pretty well. He ended up quitting that position to follow his dream of owning his own company. There never really was a discussion about this, we had only been dating for a couple of months. Apparently this is something he had been planning for a while. We had decided that this was the time to try or he may regret not attempting it.

I did my best to support in any way I could. This included keeping the relationship alive. Over the years there has not been a significant increase of success. It’s been about 4 years and he has a small amount of take home pay now. It does not leave any discretionary income, only enough to pay a couple bills.

I’ve told him I no longer support this decision. I see what it is doing to him. It’s like an addiction. I feel incredibly guilty debating this. Part of me feels that it’s just money and we have a roof over our heads. Since I work we can still go out and do things together. But I’m tired of feeling like the relationship both financially and emotionally falls on my shoulders. I don’t feel prioritized.

A while back I thought he was finally looking for a job. And I felt my entire attitude change, I felt happy again. After a bit, all he talks about is the company. I think he only ever looked into two jobs during the job search.

How do I know how long to wait or if this is a lost cause? I feel like he may never change and maybe we just aren’t compatible. Has anyone ever been in this situation?

My partner and I just started couples therapy. The therapist asked us each to come up with five relationship needs by next session. She wants them to be actionable and specific, so nothing broad like “accountability” or “intimacy”. The example she gave was “sex X number of times per week”.

Most of my biggest relationship needs revolve around emotional intimacy and empathy, but I’m having trouble getting specific and putting these into words that are actionable.

For instance, one thing I thought of was around wanting to feel more seen when I share negative emotions. When I share negative emotions with my partner about things he doesn’t directly relate to, he often responds in ways that feel sort of invalidating. For instance, he might give advice (“why don’t you just do XYZ”), or respond with his own opinion of the situation (“that doesn’t seem so bad”), or if I’m upset about what someone said or did, he’ll jump straight to defending them (“they were probably just stressed”). I honestly don’t think he’s trying to be dismissive, but I often feel sort of shut down by these responses. It’s made me less comfortable sharing my negative emotions/experiences and therefore less connected to him. I don’t need him to fix things for me, but I’d love just a “that sucks” or “I’m sorry that happened” or “I know you’ll figure it out”.

Anyway, I’m having trouble determining if this is a need or just a complaint. I feel sort of controlling telling him how to respond to me. I also don’t know if I’m just describing basic relational skills that we’re going to be learning anyway and I need to be thinking about this differently.

Is what I’m describing a need? How should I word it? If not, what are examples of what a need might sound like?

Is this something everyone does from time to time?

So I have been with my fiancé for about 1 years and 6 months. We have had our issues and setbacks, but we have always talked about things. She went through a rough divorce before me and lost her first born due to health complications (after 5 days of him being born). When we met each other, we promised to take things to take things slow. We ended up expecting our daughter to come into the world around june of last year. Lets fast forward a bit, we got into a nasty car accident back in february while she was 9 months pregnant. We unfortunately lost our daughter and it fucks me up every night regardless of the things ive been through. When it comes to her and I talking about things, I make sure to make it known that I want to talk about things/stuff that specifically involve just us. When it comes to our relationship, I feel alone in some ways. She never usually compliments me, like "you look handsome today", "im proud of you", "you're doing a good job". I dont know if it stems from her childhood but she didnt have the best childhood (no abuse of any kind, just no positive reinforcement). I know that change starts from within, with me being a veteran. I am always go, go, go, roll with the punches. She has taught me how to slow down in some ways, but I guess I don't feel wanted in my relationship. I am always initiating intimacy, I am always trying to make her feel better because she doesnt like the way her body is. I will always love her regardless, but I feel like she just doesnt reciprocate anything with me when it comes to body positivity. Compliments or positive reinforcement about life or about my appearance. Granted I don't really need validation, its just I'd like to hear it from her. I feel as if I do say something to her, yeah she might change. I just don't understand as to why she cant acknowledge what she is lacking and work on it. I feel as if I say something and yeah she might change and start being positive, its not going to be a genuine thing because I had to ask. I am honestly about to fucking cave because of this shit, its been brewing for almost 6 months. I just have no clue what to do.

First time post here and after seven years of marriage, we are currently separated for six months now. I’d like to keep this as clear and concise as possible so I’ll just say I am of the position that the issues between the two of us needs to be addressed together in a therapeutic environment, but my wife seems to think that I solely need individual therapy first before we can come together as a couple.

It comes down to money and I hate that. We stopped living together for \~6 months because he had stopped contributing to rent for years. Even though I expressed frequently that I could not sustain our place without his help.

He moved back in and paid his portion for a few months. And then bang, back to the same excuses. I lost my job and told him I could afford two months before we had to move out. No change.

Now we’re having to figure out co parenting our two year old. He is moving in with a family member.

I’m so heartbroken. I still love him. But the financial stress turns me into an absolute monster. I don’t feel secure and we fight constantly.

I had a lot of hope he’d shape up and grow up. It hurts double because it feels like he specifically won’t do it because he knows I’ll take care of it eventually.

**TL;DR:** We love each other but have very different communication/conflict styles. I tend to pursue conversations and repair, while he processes internally and tends to move on once things feel normal. I’m starting to feel like I carry more of the emotional labor, so we’re looking for practical resources we can work through together to improve communication and conflict.

My partner and I have been together about a year and want to improve how we communicate and handle conflict. We love each other and have a good relationship overall, but we approach conflict very differently.
I tend to want to talk things through and resolve issues directly, while he processes internally and often feels like things are fine once we’re spending time together again. I also find myself initiating most of the harder conversations and trying to get us back on track, and I’m starting to worry I may be carrying more of the emotional labor. At times, I also feel like my concerns get minimized or not fully followed through on.
We’re looking for something practical we can work through together—workbooks, books, exercises, or conversation cards. Ideally something we can do on our own without couples counseling (at least for now).
Would really appreciate any recommendations you’ve personally found helpful!

My husband moved out in May and has suggested we do couples counseling to work through the two big events that caused him to move out. We have done therapy before but this is different. He says he wants to remain married and work through these things (which do not involve infidelity, physical or verbal abuse, gambling, etc, just interpersonal things) but he wants to do so while still living apart.

I feel incredible distance from him and am worried that living apart while working through these issues will not help.

We have been married for 11 years and have 3 boys aged 3, 6, and 9.

Has anyone done couples therapy in a situation like this, with therapy to work through a few discrete events while living apart? I am hoping for insight into what to expect and how to make it (more) successful or anything that could help me feel like this could be ok. Thanks.

First time posting here. M(52). I’m not sure what I’m looking for beyond hearing from people who actually understand this.

My partner is (F55)(ADHD) (DX), diagnosed, and medicated. We’ve been together ten years. I love her, and I want to say that up front, because everything I’m about to write is going to read like resentment, and honestly some of it probably is.

I have a demanding job. Senior role, constant pressure, the kind of work where a bad week gets noticed. That alone should be a full plate for one person. Instead it’s maybe half of what I actually do in a day.

The other half is her. I manage her calendar. I track her deadlines. I handle the paperwork. I keep her business running: the invoicing, the client follow ups, chasing the things that are about to fall through, cleaning up after the things that already did. She is genuinely talented at the work itself. It’s the infrastructure around it, the boring load bearing stuff that keeps a business from quietly collapsing, that lands on me. Not because I volunteered. Because I saw what happened when nobody did it.

Then there’s the house. I don’t use the word hoarding lightly, but we are somewhere on that spectrum and drifting in the wrong direction. Surfaces disappeared years ago. Rooms have become storage. There are projects started and abandoned everywhere, piles of mail and paperwork and things she is definitely going to get to, bags from stores that never got unpacked. Nothing can be thrown away, because everything is either needed, sentimental, or worth something in theory. I’ve cleaned it out more than once. It comes back within weeks. I’ve stopped inviting people over. I’ve mostly stopped bringing it up, because every conversation about it ends in her feeling attacked and nothing actually changing, and I’d rather live in the mess than have that fight again.

So I work two full time jobs. One pays me. The other one I do at night, on weekends, and in the ten minutes before a meeting starts.

I am tired in a way I’ve never been before. Physically, yes, but it’s mostly the mental load. The constant scanning. What is she forgetting, what’s about to blow up, what did I not verify. I can’t relax in my own house because some part of my brain is permanently running her operations in the background.

I’ve done the reading. ADHD partner burnout, caretaker fatigue, over functioning, all of it. The advice is remarkably consistent: stop rescuing, step back, let natural consequences do the teaching, protect your own wellbeing, stop being a parent to another adult. I understand the logic. I think it’s probably correct. Here’s where I get stuck.

Her ADHD has already caused serious damage in her life. I’m talking about real consequences: money, missed obligations, professional relationships that got burned, situations that took years to climb out of. This is not a woman who forgets to run the dishwasher. When things fall apart for her, they fall apart badly and expensively, and the recovery is measured in years, not weeks.

So when the advice says “let her fail,” I know precisely what that failure looks like, because I’ve watched it. It isn’t a teachable moment. It’s a crater. And I’d be sitting there with my hands folded while someone I love walks into it, telling myself this is what healthy looks like.

I can’t do it. Not because I’m against boundaries, but because I don’t know how to knowingly let someone I love go under in order to protect myself. That doesn’t feel like self care to me. It feels like deciding to stop caring at the exact moment caring became expensive.

But I also cannot keep going like this. I’m not being dramatic. I can feel something in me running low. I’m sharper with her than I want to be. The resentment is starting to leak out around the edges. I don’t like who I’m turning into, and she doesn’t deserve the version of me that’s coming next if nothing changes.

This is the hardest thing in my life right now. I’m at my wits end and I’ll take any honest input, including the kind I don’t want to hear.