r/couplestherapy

I’m not even sure where to start. In my early 40’s now. 41M/41F been married for 13 years and together for almost 15. I was diagnosed w stage 3 B breast cancer in 2021. It was huge, aggressive & required the most radical treatment as there was also a genetic component. Went through 2 double mastectomy surgeries (surgeon missed cancerous tissue first go round) had all of my left lymph nodes removed, 3 months of red devil chemo, another surgery, had to move to Dallas & live alone for 37 radiation treatments. Bc my neck was being radiated (cancer was found high) was forced to wear a radiation face mask. Literally torture device. Was hard to position & in the age of COVID disinfecting protocols etc was in the mask and radiated min hour but usually closer to 2-3 hours 5 days a week. After treatment I’d have to drive myself home. Spent Christmas alone on the floor in the dark too numb to even cry. Lost all of my hair, eyelashes eyebrows etc and obviously lost my boobs. I wasn’t a candidate for traditional implants for many reasons, only way would’ve been a DIEP surgery which is gnarly. Dangerous, painful and recovery is year or longer w many not happy w the results. They basically take fat from thighs or back & try to re create boobs. Involves nerves & necrosis is a real possibility. I had been through too much & couldn’t do it. I also found a correlation w higher chance of reoccurrence for women who reconstructed versus those that stayed flat. Married at the time & still am now.

Upon diagnosis we had been married 8 years & now it’s been 13 years. My husband had a 1.5 year old son from another woman & I’ve always seen him & treated him like i do my own. We also have one son together now 11. Always wanted more but obviously couldn’t after cancer diagnosis as my cancer was hormone positive. I knew my husband had what I thought was a small porn addiction when we met. Before we had our son I basically just would have sex w him as much as possible as he was always ready to go. I am not into being choked as I was sexually assaulted as a young girl and almost raped by my step brother. I knew he liked it though so I’d allow it. For years i did that and consistently dressed in lingerie as it was another obsession of his. Fast forward I get sick. I was immediately put into medical menopause due to the cancer being hormone driven. They’ve kept me in menopause ever since.

This year is my 6th survivor year. For my cancer I’m most vulnerable to a reoccurrence years 5-10….so now. Cancer is a hell & trauma thats impossible to explain but it’s made sex painful for me and bc of the hormone blockers i was unable to climax. My husband has done the best he could w being patient but he also knows my boundaries w porn & lusting after other people. I don’t agree to it bc it’s always made me feel insecure or like I’m not enough. I never have lusted for other men & he promised me he would stop years ago after I caught him once late in my pregnancy and it really hurt me. Well call me an idiot all of these years but I just thought he meant that. We’ve had many discussions of how we can begin to get our intimate life back but it never sticks, meaning he never helps me find solutions. We cannot afford a therapist and I feel too overwhelmed trying to find the answers to this alone.

I recently made the decision if I was ever going to give him a regular sex life id need to stop the hormone blockers as they just completely suppress sexual desires and cause a lot of pain. That said I also just have an immense amount of chronic pain now. My body went through too much. I also have post mastectomy pain disorder. I did the research & math best I could and stopping the hormone blockers will increase my reoccurrence odds by around 12 %. I already have an extremely high chance of reoccurrence bc of all of the factors I mentioned, genetic component, size of tumor, number of lymph nodes it had spread to, was considered inflammatory etc. I say all of this to give perspective. Adding in that 12 % my odds of reoccurrence are above 70% even still I felt like it wasn’t fair to my husband to stay chemically castrated almost and so I made the decision to stop them. I have vaginal atrophy from everything and I’ve ordered supplies to begin to remedy that though it’s painful. I did the same w a water wand for the shower. I knew I had to wake my body back up and my husband & I agreed this could help. The first 4 months I would use one once a week and it was hell initially. At the beginning I’d never get to the point of climax and then my uterus would hurt for hours after. Slowly though I was able to keep pressing on to climax but the pain and cramping for hours afterward would still happen and sometimes still does. I told my husband that until we could get my vaginal wall stretched out we could engage in oral to each other and just get comfortable again with touch and bc of the trauma on my brain get it to switch from the mindset I was stuck in. Which was touch was bad bc for the last years of my life touch did equal bad. So many blood draws, shots, surgeries, exams. I began to feel de humanized.

He seemed to be understanding but I have been disappointed that it still feels like I’m doing most of the heavy lifting w the emotional toll and just ideas in general. It feels like he wants me to just flip a switch and trust me if I could I desperately would. Two weeks ago I got sick and then started my period which again I haven’t had for years & so since they’ve been back the pain has been intense. So it’s been two weeks since we were intimate. I never check his phone bc I just always trusted him. However last night we had to switch phones so he could pick up a grocery order w an app on my phone. Since I had it idk I just got a weird urge to check after seeing a Reddit post of a woman finding a hidden folder on her husbands phone filled women. So I checked expecting to not find anything and boy was I wrong. There were so many photos of real women and of women with big boobs (before mine were cut off I had the biggest and best natural boobs so it was a very hard loss) all of the women stick thin dressed in lingerie or naked rubbing themselves or staring in the camera naked etc. I instantly felt sick. Not just sick but betrayed and hurt. I cannot compete w women who have boobs now that I don’t. He knows this and I do my best to put on a brave face and rock the flat scarred chest I have now. I’m thin and physically take good care of myself and so I’m just so gutted.

I confronted him and he was kind and apologized and just said he didn’t have any excuses, that it was wrong and he was sorry but that he has an addiction and it’s hard. On some of the data on the photos for instance one he either saved or jerked off to last year on Christmas 7:45 am. I almost died and not to be dramatic but if it comes back again I prob will. I’m having a hard time stomaching how on even Christmas instead of just being so glad I’m alive and we are all together he instead is lusting after other women. He went on to say he’s suffered with this our entire marriage but that in the last 6 months he’s been slowly cleaning up his algorithms and trying to view it all less. His excuse was it’s just as hard as a gambling addiction and that at least it’s not as much as it was and that he is sorry it’s hurt me and he admits if it was me doing this he would not be ok w it. Idk what to do. He also has a bad temper. He is a very chill guy until he gets very angry. For instance instead of just talking about the issue bothering me if I make him med he begins to scream at me. This happened recently after he swore he would stop (bc it happens when our kids our upstairs & they’re too old to hear that & I don’t want them thinking they can treat women that way just bc they’re angry) but less than a week later when he was made he began to do it again and get louder and louder and louder and so I quietly and rudely told him to please shut up and stop screaming at me. He lost his shit. Turned everything around on me then after he left the house sent me a text message callously telling me all of the ways I was at fault. I’m having a hard time w how hard he was on me then & honestly in every argument knowing that at the time he was hiding all of this & knew the behavior he was doing behind my back and the lies and deceit he was engaging in but still choosing to scream at me like that bc he was angry.

This has gutted me and made me feel worthless. It’s made me feel like maybe it had been better if I died and it’s made me feel like I’ll never be enough for him no matter how hard I try. I also worry that the amount of content hes viewed these last couple of years is even more than I can comprehend and I’m struggling that while I was fighting for my life he was lusting after women on a constant basis. Days when I was throwing up or recovering from a surgery he was probably watching nude women via photographs or videos. He’s said he’ll delete the hidden folder containing all of the women and that he’s going to do everything he can to stop but I fear that isn’t the truth. I fear even if I step up the sexual activity even past a point that will be painful for me it will not be enough. I don’t even know what advice I’m seeking. It just feels like such a betrayal especially w the cancer involvement. How do I move past this? How would others feel if this happened to them? Is there any advice anyone has for me? Sorry this is so long it’s just a complex story and I just feel so alone and awful.

Quite curious for those who are in the process or have successfully or those starting. If you have " THE TALK" which is once your back together you talk about what went wrong or how you approach going forward?

Do you haver the talk? have you had the talk and is it worth having the talk? Be interested to know everyones thoughts

I'm looking for honest perspectives from men, especially those who have struggled with anger in relationships.

My partner is genuinely a great man in almost every other aspect of our relationship. He's loving, hardworking, a great father, supportive, and we have a good life together.

The problem is that when we have arguments, it's like he becomes a completely different person. He says extremely hurtful things that are clearly meant to tear me down, attacks my character, and uses comments he knows will hurt me the most. He'll also make empty threats about ending the relationship or leaving, even though he never follows through. It feels like he's trying to inflict as much emotional damage as possible in the moment.

Once he's calm, he's back to being himself. He often regrets what he said, apologizes, and says he didn't mean it, but it keeps happening every time we have a serious argument.

I'm not looking for people to immediately tell me to leave. I'm genuinely trying to understand the mindset behind this behavior.

For men who have struggled with anger during conflict:
What was going through your mind when you said things you didn't actually mean?

Did you intentionally say things to hurt your partner, and if so, why?

Did you actually want to leave when you made those threats, or was it something else like a deeper meaning to other issues?

What finally helped you change, if you did?

As your partner, is there anything that actually helps during those moments, or is this something only he can work on himself?

I'd really appreciate honest experiences from men who've been on either side of this, rather than judgment.

guys here any suggestion how to make ur gf of more than 4 + years help u with rent and expenses especially when I am low on saving and unemployed from this month at least for a month or two before starting a new job..

the discussion always goes bad when I talk about money or shared expenses :(

How do you guys keep the spark going in your relationships after like 5+ years? What do y’all talk about? Or, if the spark has died out, what have y’all found that makes it rekindle?

I've been trying to figure out whether I'm the problem here, or whether this is just a mismatch in communication styles.

My girlfriend and I have been having the same argument in different forms.

Her biggest complaint is that I don't notice things. She'll say she dropped hints that she wasn't okay, or that something was bothering her, and that I should've picked up on it. She wants me to observe her, remember little details, notice changes in her mood, and ask about them without her having to spell everything out.

From her perspective, if she has to explain everything, it feels like I'm not genuinely paying attention or trying to know her.

The thing is... I am trying.

When I don't understand something, I ask questions. A lot of them. I want to understand how she thinks, why something hurt her, what she meant, how I could've handled it differently. My brain treats relationships like a puzzle to solve. If I don't have enough information, I ask for it instead of guessing.

But I think that's where things go wrong.

She sees my questions as proof that I wasn't paying attention in the first place. I see her hints as too subtle and wish she'd just tell me directly instead of expecting me to read between the lines.

Another thing she pointed out is that I tend to analyze instead of just responding emotionally. Instead of saying, "I'm sorry, that must've felt awful," my instinct is to understand why it happened and how to prevent it from happening again.

I genuinely don't think I'm trying to avoid emotions. I think that's just how my brain works. I understand people by asking questions and building a model of them. She seems to understand people by observing and expecting the other person to do the same.

So now I'm wondering whether I'm accidentally making her feel unseen, even though I'm putting in effort. At the same time, I wonder if she's expecting a level of intuition that not everyone naturally has.

I'm not looking for people to tell me she's wrong or I'm wrong.

I want to know:

- Does asking a lot of questions instead of "just noticing" come across as emotionally detached?

- Is expecting your partner to pick up on hints a reasonable expectation?

- If you've been on either side of this dynamic, what finally made it click?

I'm open to being challenged if I'm missing something.

so, I know this is going to look like I'm promoting something, but just hear me out for a sec

a while back my wife and I were having lots of issues... non-stop arguing and fighting about the smallest things. got to a point where we're considering a divorce

i had some spare time, and like a nerd ended up working on an app to try and fix things (yes i know "you should have spent that time with her instead" - but we couldn't. it was dead silence between both of us for months)

fast forward to today, i sent her the app i built and she started using it. she liked it, so did i. we ended up reviewing it together and making it better, so now we have our own app that we use for our relationship

which brings me to my point (2 birds with 1 stone)

i know many people are struggling here, and i could use some testers to see how i can make the app better :) so, if any of you are interested in trying it out, let me know. send me your email and (preferrably) name, or reach out to me in DM and i can set you up.

My boyfriend [28M] and I [26F] have been together for 4 years now. We live together and have a dog together. I work fulltime from home and he is pursuing a career in the creative field which unfortunately has not been going well. We have a great relationship with solid communication but thing have been hard lately. My bf graduated and had a really hard time with his mentor which basically immeadiatly caused him to have a massive burn out. I supported him in every way possible and things started to look up careerwise to the point where we were able to move out of our tiny 1 room flat and into a lovely home with a garden and enough space for a studio.

However things have gotten much worse over the last year as my bf has been struggling mentally which has caused him to struggle with his career a lot. Not only does he have immense difficulty to do the things he needs to do and earn enough money, but he's really been going through a crisis in regards to what his purpose really is and if he can even continue in his workfield. This resulted in me taking the brunt of the mental, financial and caretaking load. Seeing I struggle with health and family matters myself this has been quite hard but I feel very supportive of him and feel hopeful for the future. He's started therapy and gets financial support from his family.

A month ago he had a big breakdown, to the point where I needed to intervene and contact his therapist. We had a big argument but resolved things thanks to the therapist. He's still struggling a lot. I find myself increasingly drained, frustrated and triggered by this proces. I am outwardly very understanding, supportive and caring but I'm really feeling like I'm on thin ice. He's incredibly all over the place, has massive ups and downs, thinks only in extremes, demotivated and unrealistic. He doesn't want to get a job outside of his careerfield but also isn't doing enough to make it work in the field he's in. He's gotten increasingly jealous of friends and colleagues in his field but also isn't willing to put the effort in to network like thet do.

These things have obv been going on for a while now but lately I just feel like I can't do it anymore. I love him and can't imagine life without him. I also know that with the proper help he will improve and he will have lots of potential. But I have to be honest and say that I'm really fucking tired. I've worked my ass off to get to where I am mentally and financially despite all the hardships, without any supportsystem and I just don't see him trying all that hard. I don't particularly love my job either but until I can find something better the bills still meed to be paid.I'm truly giving my all here despite my own struggles but he's just not improving. I really don't want him to give up his dream because I know he can do it, so when I try to distance myself from his ups and downs it's really hard for me to accept his depressive, demotivated thoughts of giving up.

How can I best support him and how do I muster the energy for this? He's truly my person but I'm afraid that I will sacrifice years of my life in dedication, all for it to not be worth it. I feel awful writing this about him but any advice would be amazing.

Hi, this is my first time posting here. Here is my situation—and I should start by saying I’m feeling a bit of "impostor syndrome" about it all.

I (30M) met someone (29F) online; she has two children, and we share a mutual affection. We’ve been talking for over a year, and honestly, I’m a little scared by how deeply involved I’ve become with her.

She is a very independent woman in many ways—which doesn't matter to me, except financially. When I was younger, I made a lot of stupid decisions that kept me from building my life at the pace I wanted, whereas she has achieved total financial independence.

That last point matters because, more than anything, I want a family. I want to be able to provide for whatever needs arise and know that, as a family, we can afford luxuries—or simply that she can look at me and know she can count on me, without any financial dependency involved. I’ve told her this.

I feel good because I love this woman so much that I get excited at the thought of eventually living together—taking whatever time is needed. Beyond the question of raising the kids, I want them to see a man who loves their mom and is someone they can rely on.

With that in mind, the financial aspect worries me a bit, even though I have a plan to get out of debt and am working on a promising digital business venture of my own.

I worry she might feel like she’s wasting her time, since she’s already been through the "building a life together" phase before—unfortunately with someone who hurt her deeply, both mentally and physically, and who was little more than a sperm donor.

I guess I’m looking for some advice on how to handle what’s going through my head. The truth is, I am absolutely ready to settle down. I’m even willing to move away from my city if the relationship calls for it.

Her children are 9 and 2 years old; we’ve already talked about meeting in December, and she has openly said she doesn't mind if I meet them.

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Together 6 months. I'm anxious leaning, she's more dismissive-avoidant, at least that's what we think based on how we are.

She straight up told me "I'm not an open book, not gonna change." She doesn't talk about what's going on with her unless asked, sometimes not even then. When she's actually vulnerable it's not words, she just goes quiet and gets closer to me physically.

I'm the opposite, when she goes quiet I want to fix it right away, ask if something's wrong, need to know where we stand. I know that's my own anxious stuff, not necessarily about her.

I've shown her my own vulnerable side a few times and it's not really mirrored back the same way, so now I just feel a little exposed, like I gave more than I got.

For what it's worth she's ISFP-T and I'm INTP-T, not saying MBTI explains everything but it kinda lines up with the attachment stuff too, her processing things privately and me overanalyzing instead of just feeling it.

Anyone dealt with this combo, anxious + dismissive avoidant? How do you actually date someone like this without constantly overthinking her quiet, or making her feel pushed? What actually worked for you guys long term.

For context, my fiancée and I have been dating since February last year. Engaged since my birthday in March. He is to put it mildly the love of my fucking life. This is the most comfortable, pure, emotionally mature relationship I've ever been in. People swear we've been married years already because of how much we get along and how affectionate and in-sync we are. This obviously contradicts the title you just saw above so let me add a little more.

I was promoted back in February at my work as a financial advisor. It's been incredibly rewarding work and my fiancée was truly my biggest cheerleader through my studying to pass the licenses/certifications required for this role. The caveat of this is that I have been extremely busy at work and have spent a lot of time focusing more on my job as a result. This has led to me feeling not as connected w my fiancée as I'd like. We still get along so well and love each other dearly, we just obviously want more time to enjoy with each other.

Recently I was able to take a little over a week off to fly us down to Orlando to visit Disney/Universal. We actually did this in February to celebrate my promotion (even got to spend Valentines Day at Disney), but this trip felt deeply different to me. We weren't there celebrating some specific event or milestone, nor there out of some obligation (i.e. we visited my future BIL/SIL in Vegas last month for Memorial Day, also great people/time). We were just there and had so. Much. Fun. Together. Like two teens in the honeymoon phase, riding all the best rides, having one too many drinks around Epcot, endless photobooth pics to hang on our wall, still catching Love Island every night at 835 while waiting in lines. Everything we would've wished for.

Then the inevitable plane ride home this morning. I partly blame this on the 2.5 hours of sleep and us walking a solid 40-50 miles over 10 days in 100 degree Florida heat. We get to the gate and are talking a little bit about the trip and our favorite/least favorite rides while watching old Simpsons episodes waiting on our 530am flight. Then we hear "Free Falling" by Tom Petty playing in the airport. I immediately start welling up and we end up heading to the restroom to cool down. At first thought it was just post-vacation blues, cried it out a bit and recouped at the gate.

Them about an hour before we landed, I start welling up again. Same routine as before, hit the bathroom to cool down. When I come back though the tears come right back again. Thankfully only him and I in the row, so only he witnessed my full-blown meltdown sobbing fit as I sat down (god bless being taught to be a quiet crier lmaoo).

I realized at that point that it wasn't necessarily the vacation that I missed or that I have work tomorrow morning (though both thoughts obviously hit). It was the fact that I had just had the most amazing week with my future husband, my rock, my entire heart, and I realized how much I'd been neglecting our relationship by not being able to spend more time with him like this. We both ended up having a heart to heart, him promising he'd do everything to make sure we kept this fire alive, me promising to be more present.

But what's the best way to do this? I've been crying off and on all day long worrying about it, feeling awful for how away I've been these past few months, having severe separation anxiety like I had when I was a little kid away from their mom. We have such a great connection, so many things in common, and I just feel awful that I haven't done enough to take advantage of that recently.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, very emotional and weird post I know but I'm just very emotionally devastated right now and just want to make things right with him, however I can

I (M52) am in marriage therapy with my wife (F51). We’ve been at it for about 6 months and noticing a consistent difference in the marriage therapists (female approx 40) towards my wife. Quite a bit friendlier and more empathetic. On a recent appointment the therapist actually uttered the phrase “fuck the patriarchy” as an affirmation to something my wife said. That felt like the last straw. I brought it up at the next appointment pointing out that I’m one person, not “the patriarchy”. Therapist acknowledged by saying “although we live in a patriarchal society you are correct, you are just one person”. I’ve tried REALLY hard to be open and honest and thoughtful and patient to make this therapy work. My gut is telling me I’ll never get a fair shake with this therapist. Appreciate any thoughtful insights.

Tldr I feel like a failure of a husband

I have trouble reading social cues and sensing others' needs. I struggle to connect emotionally with people. Every now and them she gets upset about something I did without realising it. Mind you I don't go out of my way to make her miserable in any way. I'm not abusive. I genuinely want to see her happy. But I'm feeling immense guilt for being an absolute failure. I'm at my wit's end. Perhaps it's true that nobody loves me as my bullies said. Perhaps she's just tolerating me. Excuse my incoherence as I've had many glasses of wine.

Not sure i’m posting in the right sub but here it goes….
My partner (39M) and i (37F) have been together for almost 15 yrs. Not married but we are having a baby together. I’m four months into a planned pregnancy so there has been no hesitation or seemingly any regret from him. However he is struggling badly with his drinking and last night it got really dark. He has never harmed me physically or himself. He is not a violent drunk just becomes super depressive. He said last night he wanted to drink himself to death. I’m devastated because I thought he was so happy, over the moon to become a dad.
I have told him how his drinking affects me but he refuses to acknowledge it as an addiction. Says he just likes the taste of alcohol and wants to decompress after long week of work. I’ve begged him to go talk to a therapist but he says there’s no point. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to lose my partner and I dont want our child to grow up without their dad.
In-laws are elderly… the dad is sick so I am worried about going to him fearing that would be too much stress on him. The mother didn’t believe me the first time I tried to tell her that her son had a drinking problem a few years ago. He is an only child so there’s no siblings to try and get support from. I’m feeling totally lost. Any advice ? Would couples therapy help since he doesn’t want to do his own private sessions? I’m trying to avoid leaving him. I could, incredibly painful but doable. I want to be with him just not like this.

Hi everyone,

The title says it all, my wife is a beautiful, talented and sweet dentist and she's got it in her head that she wants to be an influencer online. Like a tiktok/lifestyle influencer. I told her I wouldn't want my wife being in the public eye 24/7, I make references to other online couples and how 90% of the time they never last, and just in general would prefer to be the quiet couple living in their own little private bubble.

She said she wants to do it for the money, which just makes me ask herself "if she's willing to go against what I'm saying when I'm clearly saying it will bother me, it's a boundary I have, etc" then what else will this transform into? That's the part that scares me honestly.

I want her to succeed in whatever she does, I want her to follow her dreams, but what I don't want is any unwanted attention. I don't want guys in her comments or DM's talking about her in a sexual way, I don't want people thirsting over her, nobody wants that for their wives. I want to protect my peace.

I offered her to start a business together, I'm an engineer and a founder, I made her a brand, put together a plan, contacted suppliers for dental products to whitelabel and gave it to her. She said it meant a lot, but she wants to build a following first then start that. I said okay, but it still just sounds like the thing she's after isn't money, it's attention. I'm not dumb, everyone likes attention, but thinking of attention as an exciting thing to go towards online bothers me, especially when it's coming from your wife.

Call me insecure, call me controlling, I don't really give a flying fuck about opinions like that because people nowadays just throw that around like it's candy. I was brought up in a more traditional household, as was she, and this is the way I believe things should be, my own opinion.

I don't want to hear any advice like "Just leave her then?", that's not constructive. I want to build a life with this woman, but this has been bothering me a lot lately.

Anyone went through something similar?

Thank you in advance!

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Lately, I've realized that the issue isn't that we never talkit's that whenever I try to discuss emotions, vulnerability, or relationship concerns, my partner seems emotionally unavailable. He gets irritated, frustrated, or shuts down, and meaningful conversations rarely go anywhere.

It leaves me feeling unheard and alone, even when we're together. I'm starting to wonder whether emotional availability is something a person can learn, or if it's just part of who they are

Has anyone else experienced this? What did emotional unavailability look like in your relationship, and how did it affect you over time? Sometimes I can't tell whether he's emotionally unavailable in general or if he's simply not that into me anymore. How do you tell the difference between someone struggling with emotions and someone who has emotionally checked out of the relationship?