u/Jazzlike_Fan938

My partner and I just started couples therapy. The therapist asked us each to come up with five relationship needs by next session. She wants them to be actionable and specific, so nothing broad like “accountability” or “intimacy”. The example she gave was “sex X number of times per week”.

Most of my biggest relationship needs revolve around emotional intimacy and empathy, but I’m having trouble getting specific and putting these into words that are actionable.

For instance, one thing I thought of was around wanting to feel more seen when I share negative emotions. When I share negative emotions with my partner about things he doesn’t directly relate to, he often responds in ways that feel sort of invalidating. For instance, he might give advice (“why don’t you just do XYZ”), or respond with his own opinion of the situation (“that doesn’t seem so bad”), or if I’m upset about what someone said or did, he’ll jump straight to defending them (“they were probably just stressed”). I honestly don’t think he’s trying to be dismissive, but I often feel sort of shut down by these responses. It’s made me less comfortable sharing my negative emotions/experiences and therefore less connected to him. I don’t need him to fix things for me, but I’d love just a “that sucks” or “I’m sorry that happened” or “I know you’ll figure it out”.

Anyway, I’m having trouble determining if this is a need or just a complaint. I feel sort of controlling telling him how to respond to me. I also don’t know if I’m just describing basic relational skills that we’re going to be learning anyway and I need to be thinking about this differently.

Is what I’m describing a need? How should I word it? If not, what are examples of what a need might sound like?

Just curious to hear other people's experiences. I've always considered myself pretty introspective and self-aware. It's sometimes hard for me to imagine parts of myself I don't know or am seeing from a skewed perspective. My self-concept isn't working for me so well now, though, so I'm looking forward to some new perspectives!

This has been such a mind-fuck for me. My parents weren’t obviously abusive, so it’s often hard for me to understand where all of my shame and anxiety comes from. When I look back, any moment of shame always seemed like my fault. Of course it was, I was the one screwing up. My parents were making reasonable requests, and I was the one that was failing.

But my parents didn’t teach me or help me when I was struggling. They just got upset that I made mistakes or wouldn’t do what they wanted.

For instance, a major conflict in the house when I was really young was around clutter. My mom would want me to clean my very messy play area in the basement. She would send me down there as a five or six-year-old and tell me to clean up my toys. I would then just sit there by myself and stare and daydream. She would eventually come back down, get really frustrated that I hadn’t made any progress and start threatening to throw away my toys or wonder aloud why I couldn’t just do what she asked.

I would feel so ashamed and helpless because *I* didn’t know why I couldn’t just do what she asked. The unspoken story seemed to be that I was difficult, dirty and defective. As an adult, though, I now realize that I was probably just really overwhelmed. I have no memory of anyone calmly showing me how to clean up my toys. There was no real organization system in place---just one toy chest where I was supposed to put everything from crayons to play dough to dolls to coloring books. It was in the basement, so there were sometimes bugs at the bottom of the toy chest, and I was afraid to stick my hand in there. But no one got curious about why I was struggling with this task, they just got upset.

It’s just crazy to me how much this has impacted my self-esteem and how much easier and more effective it would’ve been to help me instead of shaming me. This was literally a double-bind for me. They wouldn’t show me how to do what they wanted and then got upset when I didn’t do it. I was trapped in a no-win situation. No wonder I just sat and stared.

I’ve been going to therapy for about four years and have been hitting it hard the last two years. It’s working---I’m beginning to understand how my anxiety and depression is largely from how I was raised. I feel like a blindfold is being lifted and I’m beginning to see a lot of the dynamics my family relies on---passive aggression, subtle mocking or put-downs, guilt trips, ignoring anything about me that is different than them, assuming things about me instead of actually asking. The more I see these patterns, the less I have been able to tolerate them. I feel like I’m in a rough spot, because even though I’m beginning to see the patterns, I still don’t feel strong enough to start setting boundaries with them.

This is especially coming up now because I’m visiting my family for Mother’s Day this weekend. Usually when I visit them, the weekend consists of hours of listening to everything that’s been going on for them. Then they take me on a tour of all the creative projects they’ve been working on while I validate them. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind, but it lasts hours and I feel like I have to stand there smiling and complimenting them the whole time. It feels like a hostage situation.

I guess I’m looking for advice on how to handle this transition period, especially this weekend. I just don’t think I’m emotionally ready for a full-on confrontation. I’m also worried that if they notice anything off, they’ll think something is wrong and try to dig it out of me. (They don’t know I’m in therapy or thinking any of this). Or they could take it personally if I seem distant. I could also just be overreacting! This is so scary, because I’ve never set boundaries with them before and I just don’t know how they’ll react. But I also don’t think I have the stamina (dissociation) anymore to sit there and pretend to be happy and engaged and validating for hours on end.