u/Sorry_Ad_8000

Hi everyone!!

My wife has QuiteBPD and CPTSD from her childhood horrific abuse by her stepfather (SA) and a mother that had BPD and treated her like Cinderella (bad version) was constantly making her feel like she was never enough.

She was in therapy for years but I truly believe that she either told me that it was Manic Depressive Disorder and knew it was BPD or that as I read is very common she was misdiagnosed.

If you have seen my previous comments you know I’m here for help for BOTH of is. I love this woman to death but I’ve realized I don’t have the tools to move us forward and I took my vowed “till death do us part” very seriously.

The issue is that I feel like I’m loosing it and I’m depleted and currently of no use to myself which in turn no use to her and our marriage.

My question is how do I even start to approach the subject of us getting into therapy or her then us? I’m no innocent here I’ve struggled to meet her expectations via my own interpersonal issues. I’m a firm believer we all bring baggage to a relationship do it’s not that I’m blaming all in her. But currently she sees me as the sole problem.

There is a lot of built up resentment for surprisingly the same/shared reasons but from opposite sides. Basically we are needing very similar things from each other but missing the mark by a hair. We are in the same book just on different pages. We have a great foundation of love and commitment but we are failing to see each other in a way that we both need.

The trauma responses from her are the main hurdle here in the past I have failed to understand the depth of them and of course I have not been able to make her feel seen. We have talked about her past trauma but not really in depth and admittedly my misunderstanding of just how they live in her has rightfully made her feel the way she does currently.

I hope this comes across as I intend which is a cry for help for my beautiful wife. I don’t want to loose us but like I mentioned I just don’t have the tools to move forward. I want to learn them. I just feel like we can’t communicate and we need a third party to help. She is very intelligent and loves me as deeply as I do her but she’s hurting too.

This disorder is the most cruel on the planet I HATE it and just want to provide her with as much comfort as I can. She is as safe as anyone could be in my heart but I’m failing to get that into her.

Thank you all so much.

Married 7 years currently separated. Wife feels I need individual therapy BEFORE we do couples.

I feel the issues in me are couple related and not an individual issue that can be addressed without her context and input. It does me or us no good to try to “figure out what’s going on inside of me first” as she puts it when what’s going on inside of me was born out of the relationship dynamic.

The twist here is that she has manic depressive disorder/CPTSD and suffered horrible SA traumas in her childhood from her stepfather and emotional abuse/neglect from her bio mother. That MDD I believe after much research was a misdiagnosed of quiteBPD. I’m not a clinician obviously but the behaviors are not similar but EXACTLY as the criteria states. I also realize the CPTSD has much overlap of behavior but either way there is this element present on her side.

I’m not sure which place to start. I believe the first fundamental issue to attempt to address is basic communication. This in my opinion is a must to facilitate the issues on her mind and mine about the past dynamic.

Where should we start??

Thank you for your time.

First time post here and after seven years of marriage, we are currently separated for six months now. I’d like to keep this as clear and concise as possible so I’ll just say I am of the position that the issues between the two of us needs to be addressed together in a therapeutic environment, but my wife seems to think that I solely need individual therapy first before we can come together as a couple.

In 5 months out (separated and completely out of the family home) and I’m all F-D up and I mean BAD.

I have gone through the gamut of emotions most have gone through in here, reading your stories and reflections has helped over the last 2 months so I say thank you to all that have shared, BOTH partners and those who suffer with the disorder.

WHAT I KNOW:
-I did not cause this in my wife of almost 7 years

-I can not fix, solve or help her

-This is an excruciating disorder and she has genuinely suffered by its grip on her well before me and during our marriage

- Communicating with her on the phone or text regardless of the “tone” of the interaction (good, neutral, making me feel guilty or at blame) all makes ME feel horrible.

- I need to keep her calm until I can sever some financial and logistical aspects of our divorce.

- I AM a good person who made normal relationship mistakes that have been weaponized against me in a way that has beat me down lower than I have ever been in my 59 years of life.

- I am progressing through this process but despite doing as much as I can and trying to understand the steps I’m overwhelmed.

WHAT IM HAVING TRUBLE PROCESSING:
- The remaining non infested with FLEAS part of my brain know I am NOT a Narcissist, a cheater, pathological lier, secretly hate myself, controlling, manipulating, or toxic, but I’m struggling to regain/recall my previous perception of reality about who I am DESPIE this.

- I need to keep her calm until I can sever some financial and logistical aspects of our divorce. I liken the process of doing this must to a captive that for their own survival must placate there captor as to make is as bearable as possible to survive. This is creating MASSIVE guilt in me and an anxiety which I have never felt in life.

- Despite knowing with all intents and purposes she is ill through no fault of her own and suffered a horrible childhood at the hands of her Mother and Stepfather AND her behavior has been unequivocally severely damaging to me I still feel empathy for her. Unlike before, it now resides in a spot much the same as one that has a family member who has an untreated addiction to a substance, I know I must keep my distance for my own survival. But I do not know how.

- We have a previous history of over 25 years as family friends, I was friends with her and her husband who died several years before we connected as a couple and my child was friends with theirs. I actually purchased my home I currently live in from her Mother. So I feel this history is an added unique aspect which complicates things.

She is very high functioning and I in to the “quite” category. She runs her own company with over 30 employees, is financially stable and to others shows no signs of her disorder which are all consuming in her mind and ONLY present towards me. I cannot nor will I try to remain friends with her, she is too unstable (with me). I do not know how to deal with this side of my struggle.

I know there is no magic pill that will help all of this nor am I looking to find one. I guess despite the feelings of validation/hope I have felt from anonymously reading so much I’m just in need of some directed specifically at me.

Thank you for reading this.

Hello everyone I seeking some perspective on these things that I did prior to our almost 7 year marriage and during it.

The pretext of which I’m seeking feedback on this subject is of critical importance. This is not an attempt to justify my actions, invalidate her feelings on them or provide an opportunity for those hurt by their pwBPD to vent on them. Sharing similar experiences from partners is appreciated but please keep it constructive, by constructive I mean for it NOT to be sugar coated, but to be of help to both myself and her.

Im looking for brutally honest, fair, constructive opinions so I may better see things clearly. PERIOD.

This in my opinion is NOT a scenario exclusive to BPD, however the BPD element is a unique factor and presents its own special characteristics.

I am currently of the opinion that while these things clearly hurt my wife deeply and they were wrong to do, they do not rise to the level of separation/ marriage ending under the opuses of being a cheater and lier and untrustworthy. The sole purpose of this post is to gain input on this, take it in, and consider the possibility I’m wrong.

FIRST ISSUE:

Very early on in our relationship prior to marriage in a period of what I would call us not yet truly being set as a couple I made several comments on NSFW photos of women on Reddit.

These comments were such as “oh nice…” “You have nice…” “that looks yummy” “very nice body” and the like. At no time were they asking for DM or did I suggest contact or what I considered to be an invite for such, I had absolutely no interest in that. They were in my mind just commenting on someone’s physical body, nothing more. I was not dissatisfied with my wife’s body, was comparing them to her or in anyway looking to fill some sort of void she was not filling by doing so.

SECOND ISSUE: This actually happened PRIOR to her seeing the Reddit comments above.

I deleting SOME messages between a former girlfriend who I have been long distance friends with (more like brother and sister really) for nearly 40 years now. Our relationship was brief about 2 years long, way back in 1986. A few years after that I moved 3000 miles away West and have been here ever since.

In that time since I was married and divorced and she has been married to the same guy for nearly 36 years now. Over those years we have communicated about everything from our relationship, family, our businesses, just life in general in a way almost like brother and sister. She gives me crap, I give her crap, and we have been able to be brutally honest with each other without upsetting (ok not for long) the other by doing so.

We typically would communicate on holidays, our birthdays, family birthdays particularly her Mom (her Mom viewed me like a son) and other times to discuss business issues, or the former mentioned above.

A few months into my current relationship was Thanksgiving and my friend sent me a text with Happy Thanksgiving and well wishes, we had not communicated in quite some time and she was unaware of my new relationship. Like I said we have been communicating for decades so whether I was in one or not was irrelevant she or I would still communicate.

Naturally she was curious as would I be so I explained who she was, our past and that we still communicated from time to time PRIOR to us getting together, and that I had not heard from her in a while but we typically do around these types of dates.

My phone was password protected but after the message and discussion as a way to help her see I had nothing to hide I removed it.

After this my friend was having marital issues and she and I had spoken on the phone (while I was not home) and exchanged texts on the subject and life issues a few times. My wife took it upon herself to read these messages (not in my presence and kept it to herself for weeks) and mistook a reference to a Camel, a longstanding running joke we share that is about a literal Camel not the other sexual connotation.

As you can imagine this was not good, my wife despite the clear, unmistakable context it was used in the message insisted it was some kind of secret sexual code between the two of us. This caused a huge issue that of course I felt was blown out of proportion especially since I knew it was just an innocent conversation.

At this point I was totally freaked out about communicating with her because of this reaction. Prior to this based on our initial conversation I thought we were on the same page and she held it in a place she was ok with. After the Camel msg I was in the position of contemplating do I hide these from her or let her read them and risk the now understood inevitable misinterpretation of them.

Prior to this I had experienced increasing behavior of insecurity in her that I had initially brushed off as just normal stuff. Nothing overtly out of the ordinary but it had been rearing its head increasingly with innuendos that were clearly evident something was going on in her.

I had come to the decision that despite her feeling this way and what I thought was a compassionate desire to not want her to feel this way it was best to no longer share these with her. Honestly at the present time I’m not positive it was the right choice to make.

I had gotten a couple text from her while we were home together and my wife had seen the phone light up. I was in a bit of a state of panic, not because I knew they contained anything questionable but my mind started racing back to the previous ones and her reaction. So I left them be and we continued to watch tv I believe.

Later when we went to bed she asked how come you didn’t reply to her and I said well because this is our time plus didn’t want to upset you. THIS was not a good choice of words. Already upset and unbeknownst to me, she had been stewing in her mind since they came in a couple hours ago. She immediately demanded I show them to her and I calmly refused citing that the last ones caused an argument, she was already upset and I don’t want to because of that.

Knowing what I know now THIS was a horrible decision on my part.

Well, slightly understandably, she took this that I had something to hide but now either way I was already skewed so I drew a line and said no, I have nothing to hide but I didn’t last time either and you have been holding it inside of you ever since. She finally let it go and we went to bed.

I had later the next day deleted those 2, in hind site a poor decision but my heart was in a spot of not adding any more possible content to this already ongoing believe/fear she had that already lived along side of her natural insecurity which was unrelated.

Now here is the twist that I learned months after the fact. Before getting in bed I had taken a shower and she had ALREADY read them. They were very short just 2 of them and you could see their entirety in the preview. Again nothing at all that indicated anything that could be construed as well.. anything really.

Months later when we finally did have a conversation about them where she confessed that she had already read them and knew they were nothing but all she wanted was for me to say ok and she didn’t even want to see them, this because she already had seen them.

This was before knowing she has BPD/CPTSD and the unfortunate painful thoughts/feelings that come with those. I figured she had to trust my word and that based on our now daily life together she would come around in this and other things she was feeling. Like me I thought ok it’s her responsibility to trust me.

We had been family friends for over 20 years prior to us getting together as a couple and we already had a strong trust between us. I never doubted that I could trust her in this context nor did she.

This planted an unspoken seed of suspicion in her which she never outwardly expressed was still living and growing but it was increasingly evident in our relationship she was suspicious of me.

Since it was never directly spoken of (the friend thing) I figured it was, again that natural insecurity in her and kept hoping it would work itself out in her through my consistent actions, presence and behavior that demonstrated I was trustworthy. But unfortunately they never did.

She never gave me specifics as to the separation until last evening and literally only because we were talking about her son’s wife’s father who had been married 4 times as was a serial cheater. I told her I just don’t understand how people can do that and that I have always been one to be either in or out and never cheated.

Well much to my surprise for the first time I had learned she now thinks of me as one who is a cheater AND a lier and that those comments constitute evidence of that. Prior to this she had only cited here and there the reasons being fairly straightforward relational dynamics that she was not happy with and thought we needed to straighten them out yet would not even consider talking about them or consider the possibility of us seeing a therapist to help.

Needless to say it was a very long night for me and I was shocked, angry that not only she felt this way but she is just now verbalizing it and devastated knowing she viewed me this way.

At 3am I called her and much to my surprise she answered, she had been having just as rough a night as me. I wanted to communicate to her how I felt learning this in a loving way (I was very emotionally distraught but not angry) to express my upset in myself that I had made those comments which made her feel that way.

Long story short she said “I need actions not words” to which I replied, what do those actions look like to you and given the fact that you explicitly stated you do not want to talk about our relationship just “keeping things light” and becoming friends again so we can move forward from there? We have not even been in physical presence in a month and that was just me getting things from the house? How do we even begin to do that? Her reply was “I told you I do not want to talk about it”

She then said “stop trying to sell me” which to me completely invalidated everything I had just poured out of me. I was infuriated but kept it in and said ok I think we should go back to bed and without saying good by she hung up.

I was left as I have been for nearly every serious conversation in the past years, dazed, confused, questioning my present and past reality and angry nothing actually got accomplished that could help. I laid back down thinking this is never going to work and as much as I love her I need to let it go.

If you made it this far thank you for reading, I appreciate it.

Hello everyone!! This is my first post in here and just a quick background to add context.

We have been married now for about 6 years and been together for right about 7 years. She has BPD & CPTSD from some nasty childhood trauma from her step father and her mother. Not going to add details but it started when she was just 3 years old so think BAD.

My goal of joining here and the other BPD group is to LEARN about the disorder to help BOTH OF US. Today I need to focus on something that I have been wresting with for years now in our relationship.

This whole process of gathering information be it focused on me or on her to me ultimately helps both of us because we are a team, we are in this together.

The most prevalent occurrence that causes issues between us is that my truth, my inner most genuine concrete feelings or intentions that I KNOW are what I feel/intend are miss translated and ultimately invalidated by her.

By that I mean she will feel like what I’m saying is something typically at the complete opposite end of the spectrum of what I really mean and always, (when this happens not always,always) it’s “translation” is the connotation that I some how want her to get upset. Like as if I am against her and not completely with her and want the absolute best.

We are currently separated and last night we were up till 2:30am texting great stuff to each other after a long conversation. She sent me some old pictures of herself that I had never seen, I sent her some that she had not and it was a great time we both fell asleep happy with.

This AM I was just itching to tally to her again so excited and she was too. I over shared my emotions with her, we agreed to take this thing in baby steps but over the last few days we both have took some pretty big steps that to be fair were slightly premature. Nothing serious just connecting with our words and stirring up good feelings.

So I recognized my mistake and owned it but her process had already started. She was not angry but starting to start to get overwhelmed. Before we hung up she said “see it’s like you try to get me going and upset, you know the girls are coming (our daughters) this we kind to visit and it’s like you WANT me upset”

This is just the immediate example but it is the common ongoing narrative that she somehow has developed in her mind about what my intentions are. In summary that I’m somehow at my core not wanting her to be happy.

I desperately need some input from those of you that might identify with this feeling/interpretation. The scenario changes often but her thoughts on it remain the same and my feelings are always the same which is the complete opposite.

Today I wanted to wake her early to get her off to a great start of the day BECAUSE I knew they were coming, because I wanted to set the tone of positive but somehow it got completely reversed and she felt bad and I feel bad but most importantly my feeling as mentioned above my true heart felt feelings despite me expressing them (now and in the past) are completely wiped out by her interpretation of them.

I know this is part of her internal processing troubles, I really do but it’s as though it’s a horrible catch 22 in that if she took these things for what they really truly mean she would feel so much better and in turn ofcouse I would because that is the essence of why I say or do them..because I loved her and want her to feel good.

The is has been the single most concrete, intrenched, immovable stance she has held for years now and I obviously have not found a way yet to for lack of words and just as a description just take her close to me and bond her and whisper in her ear, “ sweetheart I love you and because of that I ALWAYS want the best for you in everything I say or do”.

But it just has never been able to tear down this fortification in her. I certainly have considered that our interactions over the last few days has raised her fears of getting close again, I get that, and my question here is not so much based on that but the fact that this has happened throughout or relationship.

I’m not complaining here, that does no good but I tried to put this in a context so you could see that it’s not situational. I mean obviously it is but the situational parameters come from inside her but likewise obviously I feel like since it was activated by me that I have a role and I need to own that but I don’t know what it is because again my intentions are literally the complete opposite of how she receives it.

I can and more if necessary, I WANT to understand this and I hope someone or many of you can shed some light on it. For further context we are not spring chickens both of us are in our upper 50’s.

Thank you

Hello everyone. I did a quick search and didn’t find what I was looking for so I thought maybe you could help me create it.

I would like to start sending my wife a positive/calming/grounding little text every morning she can wake up to. I would love it to give her a good start to the day. We are going through a very hard time and are currently separated. I’m not going to go into detail but it is related to her CPTSD and her BPD.

I only mention that because I have learned over times (almost 7 years) that “regular” words or should I say typical words or saying just go right through her. They just are so hard for her to believe. I’m not going to sugar coat it it’s been hell on me particularly for the last 3 months and I’m struggling also but I refuse to give up on her and us.

So I’d like to ask everyone to use this post to list things you in particular would love to hear from the one you love and that you feel like you just need to hear regularly. I think it would be nice for others to read your comments also when they need some encouragement.

The more I read and try to understand about this HORRIBLE disorder the more I think she has what seems to be commonly referred to as “quiet BPD”. She wants to process everything internally and although she is the strongest woman I know (on the outside) she desperately struggles internally.

I hope this is a good thing, in all honestly I think I have or am nearing the point where I just don’t know what to do anymore, my words seem to not phase her at all and all she is left with now are the thoughts in her head and this is torturing her.

Hello everyone I’m so glad I found this sub, by accident really.

I just recently learned/learning about this and I’d like to start a discussion that can possible give me so insight on my wife’s fixation on my 2 previous X’s going back as far as 6 years. We have been together for coming up on 7 years now and she still feels like I settled for her and have secretly wanted them this whole time.

I recently saw a post on another sub that mention RJ and thought that’s it, it actually has a name! I’d like to have a bit of a discussion on the subject if any are willing to.

Thank you.

EDIT: I forgot to mention BOTH of them it was I that ended the relationships so there was absolutely no lingering desire for them.

A recent excerpt from a message pretty much sums up her stance: “You knew all along what wasn’t inside you for me.. but I was a good stand in while you entertained others in your mind”

This text exchange just happened, Im J. Context of why it makes me feel crazy and I don’t even know what else to call it. The “thinking wow, I did this same thing..” comment by her was from almost 7 years ago when we had just started hanging out and it was the beginning of COVID. My business was shut down, I had just lost my 3 20 year old dogs 2weeks apart, I had ended a 4 year relationship (my choice) and my brain was FRIED.

I did not want to talk to anyone, see anyone, text anyone nothing but just grieve (not for my X lol) she would push and push and push me. Texting me and wanting me to respond. I get that she was ready for us (to be a couple) but I was in no spot and I told her in every way shape or form that it was not her, I was just completely burnt.

It’s not that I didn’t appreciate the motivation behind it, I knew she was concerned about me I really do. Fast forward till now and we have been separated now for 3 months and she has been in a “episode” a “split” a rage filled angry tirade at me (I’m now ALL BAD) hurt and pain and physical pain because of a couple health issues.

I honestly like all of the times before she’s receding to have done shit as innocent as this and it’s gets turned into some kind of weapon against my character. The tables are completely turned now and I text her and she doesn’t respond or she will purposely turn off her read receipts (she claims when she blocks me every time we try to have a conversation on the phone and she brings up shit that is 5-6 years old the gets triggered and hangs up) that they automatically reset to off which is BS (we both have newer iPhones)

I’m new to all the dynamics of these disorders well my attempted understanding of them anyway. I have literally been fighting this same exact view point from her since almost the first few months. I KNKW MY DAM THOUGHTS AND INTENTIONS. I posted tos in both CPTSD and BPD because I’m not sure what the heck this is but it is driving me insane. I don’t want to hate her but EVERY time we interact she feels it’s necessary (consciously you’re unconsciously) to make me feel like a piece of shit.

It’s as though for almost 7 years she has pushed and pushed for me to somehow get fed up with her and leave. Since we’ve been separated, that intensity is times 1000.

J: How is the stomach are you feeling better or worse?

J: lol I just noticed you saw my text after 7 hours

R: I saw it as soon as you sent it. I just didn’t open it because it only said ok!
Stomach is still off a little bit

J: Oh ok so why open it were you thinking about texting me? 😊

R: No, because I saw the blue dot 🔵 showing I hadn’t read it and I knew you were going to make a comment about it

J: Comment about what? That comment was funny not a jab

R: To you… however, it’s been how you have been you point out what I do not do that’s not normal. It’s not funny and it doesn’t need to be said..

I’ve told you this for years now.. yet, you do and have done the exact same thing hit I do not point it out to you.

I’m not being hateful just being honest ..

Instead of you thinking… wow, I did this same thing and how you must have made me feel over and over.. you just point it out the intent doesn’t matter it’s the simple fact that you find it necessary to do it..

R: Thank you for checking on me.

How was your day? Did you get stuff in the attic done?

J: Yw yes

R: That’s good and you got all your groceries yesterday?

J: yep

After an almost 7 year marriage like relationship we recently split up for a “separation”, it was not my choice. After 2 months now things just kept getting worse because I am the “bad one”. Not that I did a bad thing but that EVERYTHING I did was bad. She, like she had done for the entire relationship has continued to refuse to hear/believe/attempt to understand my side of things.

This decision was hers and the second time she made it unilaterally without my input in 7 months now. I have spent nearly the entirety of the relationship in her courtroom trying to prove to her that I loved her, wanted her, desired her, admired her, respected her, didn’t hate her and the entire list I see in most of these posts that people feel with BPD.

I also see the incredible frustrations most feel with this very issue and it is just so sad. What makes me sad is that if she only knew how much I cared and how completely opposite I truly felt in my heart. Also it’s sad for me, having someone repeatedly deny your reality is crushing.

I have spent the majority of that time separated trying to figure out my role from her perspective which is quite impossible when she has repeatedly stopped conversations by hanging up, blocking me or going into her usual rage about a different subject than we are trying to talk about. Sure there are other subjects that need to be discussed but not multiple in one conversation.

In the last few days I looked up CPTSD/BPD and it has shed a whole new light on things. This is not me blaming it all on her it’s about how NOT knowing she had these diagnoses denied me the opportunity to at least attempt to (when appropriate) respond, wait, consider, adjust and better contextualize my behavior.

I mean that not in an enabling way but much like adjusting your mindset appropriately for someone that you care about that has an illness.

I started off the day with anger from lastnight about her horrible treatment of me yesterday and for the last 2 months. She has been hell on wheels to say the least. After our text last night I was fed up with every time she speaks or responds to a text (even about simple logistics) it makes me feel like bad. Not sad but like I’m the horrible person that she has made me into in her mind. Again I’m not Mr. Innocent I have made my fair share of wrong and bad decisions but they like most of us in a relationship we’re not made in a vacuum.

At this point I am just very sad. These conditions are not a life sentence and they can and are worked through with the proper professionals and a personal commitment. I’m not sad I could t save her, people cannot be saved or attempt to heal save that are not ready inside themselves. I’m just sad I didn’t know more about it long ago.