u/cusmrtgrl

My husband moved out in May and has suggested we do couples counseling to work through the two big events that caused him to move out. We have done therapy before but this is different. He says he wants to remain married and work through these things (which do not involve infidelity, physical or verbal abuse, gambling, etc, just interpersonal things) but he wants to do so while still living apart.

I feel incredible distance from him and am worried that living apart while working through these issues will not help.

We have been married for 11 years and have 3 boys aged 3, 6, and 9.

Has anyone done couples therapy in a situation like this, with therapy to work through a few discrete events while living apart? I am hoping for insight into what to expect and how to make it (more) successful or anything that could help me feel like this could be ok. Thanks.

There is a lot to this story so if it feels like I’ve left out details, I have. I’ll answer questions to the best of my ability if there are any.

My (42F) husband (39M) has said some things that make me think he doesn’t like being a husband and a father. For context, we will have been married for 11 years next week and have 3 kids (3, 6, 9). He moved out about a month ago and is living in a one bedroom apartment a mile from the marital home.

He said he wants to be in control of his evenings, to be able to cook what he wants, he doesn’t like traveling with the kids, and he is loving the autonomy he has now. I have never stopped him from doing what he wanted to; he almost never asked for any time to himself or to make a particular meal. He also has never said before he didn’t like traveling with the kids (no one LIKES traveling with kids). He has had the kids at his place for dinner a few times a week and they have only stayed there a handful of days over night, so of course he has a lot more autonomy.

There are things both of us need to work on to have a happy marriage and that’s not what this post is about. There is no infidelity, addiction, 🌽, gambling etc. just normal relationship woes after a long marriage with kids.

I am worried he won’t come back because he hates being married and a father. Both of those things necessarily mean you give up autonomy of all kinds; there are other people in your life now that rely on you for different things and you can’t just do whatever you want.

Is it a fool’s errand to try to explain or convince him of this? Even if we divorce, he won’t have autonomy like he might expect; we will still be coparenting and have to make decisions about them together, in addition to whatever other things get codified in the divorce. He is clearly having some sort of crisis that I want to help him through. I have also actively been working on the things he has complained about and he has acknowledged this.

TL;DR: I think my husband of almost 11 years hates being a father ans a husband because of the reduced autonomy. Can I help him understand this is what life is like?

Has anyone had joint finances since before you got married and then switched to separate finances? How did that work? It’s a very long story but my husband moved out a few weeks ago for a trial separation that blindsided me. One of the things he wants if he comes back is to have separate finances. We have had joint finances since we were planning the wedding more than 11 years ago. We own a house, cars together and have 3 kids. I am curious about the logistics (how you split things) but also if there are any complications or pitfalls to this that you didn’t expect that I could be thinking about as I consider his request.

TL;DR I’m just wondering if anyone has gone from joint to separate finances with a house and kids and how that worked logistically.

My husband moved out one week ago. In theory it is only for a month, but I am working on coming to terms with it being the first week of forever. The kids are very sad and upset and it’s hard to hear them ask where he is and say they want him to come back. He is doing pick up and drop off for the older kids even when I have them so I saw him every week day last week and we have been chatting on the phone almost every day. It’s been very hard hearing about his days setting up his new life without me and the kids being excited to stay at his place. I am very proud of myself with how I’ve been handling it, the kids have been fed, cared for, loved, the routine has mostly been the same. I’ve only yelled at them a little, but have immediately apologized and explained why my patience is thinner. They are sad I am sad. Would love for positive comments only, please. Not “let him go” or the like as I am working on that internally. Thank you and I am sorry we are all here (unless you are happier being apart, then I am glad you are doing what you need)

You could be having what feels like a mental breakdown because your husband moved out and will probably divorce you and you still have to make your kids Mac and cheese and give them the right plate

My husband wants a trial separation and it started today. We have 3 kids (3, 6, 9). When he told them, they didn’t really register it. I think it will sink in over the next week when they don’t see him much except for when he picks them up to take them to school and then drops them back at our house after school. I’m numb tonight but I expect that won’t last too long. I’m not telling that many people who know me so I’m on the internet telling strangers because I need something. Comfort, maybe? I don’t know. Anyway, thanks.

My husband of almost 11 years is moving into his own apartment today. The plan is to try separation for a month. Since he wants the separation, he has to tell them. We have 3 kids, 3, 6, and 9. How is it going to go? I plan to take them somewhere fun tomorrow to try to distract all of us. The apartment is unfurnished so he has to buy everything. I will have the kids until next Sunday morning.

He says he still loves me and aside from wanting to move out and tension, things have generally been normal, him doing all the little caring actions he usually does for me. I am not an optimist but I am trying so hard to be optimistic and that last night was not the last time we sleep in the same bed.

I don’t know what I am looking for but whatever you say, please be gentle.

About a month ago, we were visiting my MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL, and nephew for spring break. During this trip, a really surprising incident happened. Before this, I had never had an issue with MIL and thought I was pretty lucky as far as in laws went.

My in laws house is like museum, lots of things displayed on basically every surface and every corner. We have 3 kids (3, 6, and 9). My 9 year old was looking at something of my BIL and accidentally broke it. They all scrambled to clean it up and I asked my MIL if it was replaceable and it was not (it was from Hungary). My son apologized to his uncle and his uncle asked if he wanted a hug. My son declined and my MIL charged me and said essentially it was her house, her rules and he should hug his uncle. I told her my son, his body and he didn’t have to hug anyone he didn’t want to. We left the house very quickly and I declared on the way out that they were never seeing the grandkids again (not my finest moment). We left the state we were visiting later that week, a few days earlier than planned.

Come to find out that she doesn’t like me and has been biting her tongue for a while about it. Everyone on his side of the family sees me as the problem and no one agrees with my action of leaving like we did and in light of his mom now feeling comfortable expressing her opinions about me, I am worried he is being influenced by them to leave me. She said that she thinks I am abusive to him, ordering him around. Husband said to her he did not think I was abusive. His (twin) sister is also against what I did and will be coming up to visit him sometime soon.

We can back from the trip early on a Friday. I had to leave Sunday for a work trip that was immovable. I came back on the following Friday and he had removed his wedding ring, opened a new bank account, and set his mind to divorcing me. He has said that before our trip he never would have thought about separating and has told me that he loves me and is still doing caring actions like before. He is moving into his apartment on Friday. We are trying a one month separation to see if he likes it better or not.

I am so frustrated and angry with MIL for meddling in our parenting and our relationship. And scared that he is such a people pleaser that he will leave me for her.

I just needed to share this with a group that would understand. I’ll take any advice and words of support. But also writing this out has been cathartic.

Edited to add I am 42F, he is 39M. We will be married 11 years in June. Maybe.

Edited again to add that he says I have not been treating him well over the past year or so (note I work for the federal govt in the executive branch in the US). He intends to have the kids 50% of the time but his apt is a 1 bedroom. He will sleep in the living room on a cot when the kids are there. The speed of this decision is what is making me think he is bringing influenced. How can he say he loves me and then blow up our lives?

My (42F) husband (39M) wants to try separation (first one month), but I am really concerned about the legal aspect of it. At the same time I want some financial assurances since we still have a home to pay the mortgage on, etc. We haven’t talked about terms yet and I’m starting to formulate my own, but I am so so desperately worried that as soon as he is out the door, that is it and the legal aspect of it makes it so much more formal. He still sleeps at home in the bed. We have 3 kids, 3, 6, 9.