u/flamingo23232

Inspired by the great post earlier about connecting through the ages.

And now, a gratuitous Alan Bennett quote, from a play I hope we’ll never stop performing:

”The best moments in reading are when you come across something – a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things – which you had thought special and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours.”

TL;DR - I have to climb over my partner’s mess to get to my side of the bed. I’ve started using the torch on my phone to do so when it’s dark, even when he’s trying to sleep.

We are both in our late 30s / early 40s.

My partner sleeps nearest the door. In most of the house he is pleasantly tidy, but the bedroom is messy (his side and mine). I don’t mind the mess per se, but there isn’t a path for me to get into bed because of the piles of things. This has been the case for almost the whole time we’ve been together - about five years. I used to ask him to fix it, but gave up because sometimes you have to choose your battles.

I often come to bed after my partner has the lights off and is trying to sleep. It’s hard to clamber in the dark, especially because the piles of things tend to move. I have cut my foot before, trying to get into bed in the dark.

For a short while I tried hopping over him to get to my side of the bed. This was ok until I accidentally stepped on him one time. He understandably didn’t like that, and agreed to leave a path for me to my side, saying ”now that there is something in it for him”, he would. I guess he would say that was a joke but there wasn’t anything joking in his voice at the time. The comment was still bothering me the next day, so I brought it to him to talk about, but we just ended up having a big fight, and he couldn’t remember saying it anyway.

Months later, the floor situation is the same. I work long days and have a stressful job so can’t always make a path for myself before nighttime. So I don’t try to tiptoe anymore. I just turn on my phone torch to get me to my side of the bed. I appreciate that this isn’t kind or constructive - he is sensitive to light, and phone torches are bright - and I am mindful of the vicious circle of not looking out for each other. But I also need to get to bed, and at a certain point, I do need to look out for me.

To be clear, this man is very kind in lots of ways, and also loyal and sweet. Recently in couple’s therapy I asked him, ”it would be really nice if you could empathise with me and consider my needs valid, even if they are not what you would feel in that situation.” He was hurt and pretty angry, saying ”I spend almost all my time thinking you about you and how you feel.” And this is true!

If you have advice on how to move forward constructively, I’d appreciate it.

TL;DR - I have to climb over my partner’s mess to get to my side of the bed. I’ve started using the torch on my phone to do so when it’s dark, even when he’s trying to sleep.

We are both in our late 30s / early 40s.

My partner sleeps nearest the door. In most of the house he is pleasantly tidy, but the bedroom is messy (his side and mine). I don’t mind the mess per se, but there isn’t a path for me to get into bed because of the piles of things. This has been the case for almost the whole time we’ve been together - about five years. I used to ask him to fix it, but gave up because sometimes you have to choose your battles.

I often come to bed after my partner has the lights off and is trying to sleep. It’s hard to clamber in the dark, especially because the piles of things tend to move. I have cut my foot before, trying to get into bed in the dark.

For a short while I tried hopping over him to get to my side of the bed. This was ok until I accidentally stepped on him one time. He understandably didn’t like that, and agreed to leave a path for me to my side, saying ”now that there is something in it for him”, he would. I guess he would say that was a joke but it didn’t feel like one at the time. The comment was still bothering me the nexth day, so I brought it to him to talk about, but we just ended up having a big fight, and he couldn’t remember saying it anyway.

Months later, the floor situation is the same. I work long days and have a stressful job so can’t always make a path for myself before nighttime. So I don’t try to tiptoe anymore. I just turn in my phone torch to get me to my side of the bed. I appreciate that this isn’t kind or constructive - he is sensitive to light, and phone torches are bright - and I am mindful of the vicious circle of not looking out for each other. But I also just need to get to bed, and at a certain point, I do need to look out for me.

To be clear, this man is very kind in lots of ways, and also loyal and sweet. Recently in couple’s therapy I asked him, ”it would be really nice if you could empathise with me and consider my needs valid, even if they are not what you would feel in that situation.” He was hurt and pretty angry, saying ”I spend almost all my time thinking you about you and how you feel.” And this is true!

If you have advice on how to move forward constructively, I’d appreciate it.

Sometimes I like/need to lie on the sofa curled in a blanket, quiet and still, ideally in a dark room.

Usually this is because I am overwhelmed, as I have a stressful job with long hours.

Sometimes I get this burning feeling in my skin, I think it’s from the stress. It’s like exaggerated pins and needles. Aforementioned dark quiet blanket time (we’ll call this DQBT) helps, and it’s the only thing I’ve so far found that helps.

I would ideally like a little room where I could shut the door and do this, but my partner didn’t want this when we were flat hunting (it was an overseas move, we were flat hunting, he had to find the flat by himself as I had exams. This was my one ask, I don’t think he realised it was important to me because he kind of ignored it).

So I would typically do this on the sofa in the living room, or in the bedroom if he’s on the sofa. (I don’t need him to not be in the room, I just need to not have to engage in anything.)

My partner doesn’t like that I want/need DQBT.

This morning he told me it’s “unreasonable to want quiet time, because it’s nice to have a nice time together”.

This afternoon he says he wants to make it very clear he has no problem with me having quiet time, the problem is it effectively means asking him not to talk to me, and he shouldn’t have to feel like it’s a privilege to talk to me.

I do not want to need DQBT, but I feel like I do, because I don’t know what else to try or how else to make the overwhelm go away.

Am I being selfish here? What can I do to resolve this situation? I don’t really understand the parameters of the problem and I’m having trouble solving it.

(We’re both in our late 30s/early 40s and we live together.)

Mine are very heavy usually, but lasted two days less than usual and was way lighter.

Only when temperatures came down, two days -after I’d seen nothing, did my body release a tiny little bit more blood.

I thought this was very cool (and much nicer than bleeding heavily like I usually do).

I’ve been really struggling to get to the gym and the reason is time management and organisation.

It’s my happy place and coping mechanism, so this is not good news 😂

So I’ve found a not-too-pricey gym outfit and bought 5, head to toe.

No more decisions, no more scrambling to wash clothes during the week, no more forgetting the clothes so washing them three times - with any luck I get my exercise, healthy dopamine and mood management back.

I feel delighted and very proud.

“I tolerate it but I don’t respect it,” he said.

I get that he doesn’t want to be alone himself, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to change this.

It worries me when he doesn’t respect things I want or need because he doesn’t want or need them himself.

Not sure what the way forward is here.