Am I not ready for a relationship?
I really want to love him, I desperately try to hang onto the present and suddenly my mind keeps circling back to how it used to be. Being in an emotionally abusive relationship really changed the aspects of what I think, or I’m constantly wondering if im worrying or paranoid for absolutely nothing.
I think I love him, or atleast I’m trying to love him. I’m not exactly sure yet, for one I know that he’s somewhat good to me.
But there’s a pang in my chest that says otherwise, he reminds me of him and it scares me.
I’ve already had to dry my tears many times because he keeps doing things that give me flashbacks, either it’s snapping at me or being a little upset but that isn’t technically his fault and it’s usually normal in a relationship.
Loving someone is a gift, it’s trusting one another even throughout the hardest times. I don’t know if I’m capable of doing so, maybe I don’t exactly deserve love and that’s what kills me inside.
I love him, I really do but I don’t know if I’m capable of loving myself enough to love another person, or carrying the weight of another relationship that could turn into absolute shit.
He isn’t toxic, and he isn’t a bad person and completely loyal which is what I’ve wanted all along, what more could I want?
My PTSD ruins everything, the confidence of building myself back up again or just loving another person in general. I am trying so desperately to hang onto the courage, but it drains the living hell out of me.
Maybe a break could help, but at the same time it could ruin my chances of actually finding someone I truly like.
The real question I ask myself constantly is that am I the problem? Do I overthink too much or is it that I’m unable to get into a relationship right now?
Thank you for reading.