I knew I wasn't her soul mate and I still loved her unconditionally
I knew from the start that I wouldn't ever be what she needed, as much as I continually tried to. I honestly don't know if anything from anyone would be enough for her, because she would always move on to the next that was wrong with me after I fixed the last.
She was there when I got fired, of course it was my fault because I didnt do enough, she left. I was a "broke bum" until I got a better job 3 weeks later, she's back. I choose the job training center in Orlando to be closer to her instead of the one in Tampa where My family and I live. Right after she coincidentally got fired. She would cry in my arms every night and tell me she's a bad nurse and I would brush her hair, rub her back and tell her, you're a great nurse this just means you weren't meant to be on that unit. Encouraged to put out applications when she wanted to rot in bed.
Folded her clothes that had been piling and piling up. Told her not to worry about finances right now even though her savings was much larger than mine. To break her out of this depression I surprised her with a 2 day 2 park trip to Disney World one of her favorite places.
My anger management is the issue apparently even though throughout all the arguments I never yelled, cursed, threw things. Im not perfect I know I had the ability of doing all that, but I told her I only get like that when you just up and leave over a small disagreement make me think it's real this time and then come back into my arms. Over and over and over again.
I Spent 1 year completely celibate because that stuff made her nervous and I wanted her to know im here for you you you not what you can do for me physically. I told her id wait forever and I didnt care as long as I was with her. I genuinely meant it too. After that year I stayed another whole year celibate from strictly intercourse. Again I was happy that things were happening physically but it meant more to me that she was finally comfortable with me in that setting. Everytime she'd have a panic attack because she was "scared you're going to get bored with me." Everytime I told her while holding her as tight as I could in my softest voice, I will never get bored of you I love you so much even if theres a chance of it never happening id still rather spend all this time waiting with you.
She always asked me to be vulnerable with her not hold it in, so I didn't. I broke down, cried, sobbed as a grown man in front of her. More than my own mother or sister have seen me cry. I was comforted until, another meaningless argument turns into a relationship ending fight to her, then I cried too much, be a man, you look like a baby right now. Youll never be anything. Youre own mother barely wants you around. Yet I bit my tongue I knew how much it hurt to hear her say those things, and I didnt want to hurt her like that.
The last fight started over me not getting up to put the sheets on the bed fast enough. Here it all comes "you're worthless" "im so much better than you" "stop crying be a man for once." Now she leaving, im yelling, crying, begging like an idiot, losing my temper. I stopped yelling I said please let's just stop for right now as I took a step to her to try and be close she says fuck you no. I instinctively grab her by the wait to try and make this all stop. Oh no I messed up big time I should have never grabbed her regardless of how I intended it I just saw her leaving and everything in me was scared of losing her so I tried to stop it. I realize what I did immediately drop my hands and quietly start packing everything I have. Im being told the police are going to be called im going to be arrested as im packing I walk out the garage door Feb 12 758 and I haven't spoke to her or been back since.
I would still do anything for you the minute you called.
That last interaction makes me blame myself for the whole relationship. Im sorry, I love you Amanda.